Nobody Likes Soccer

M's Clinch .500. Celebrate Good Times!...I Will

2009-09-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

2008 was a tough year for being a Seattle Sports fan, there wasn't a franchise or program that wasn't abysmal or stolen from us. Even with the Hawks going 4-12 and the Dawgs going 0-12 the Mariners and their $110 million payroll for 101 losses stuck out as the clearest example of pure fail.

Coming off a solid season prior, many fans felt the addition of Erik Bedard via trade would be the key to success in '08. That with the acquisition of a "true number one" domination would surely follow for the M's. Instead it turned out to be one of the worst trades ever. So terrible in fact that it caused many fans to actively forget about the Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek for Heathcliff Slocumb trade.

The M's were in such a terrible state of disrepair after Bill Bavasi's tenure it seemed that there truly was no floor. I felt that no matter who was hired as the next GM they would have a Chernobyl sized clean-up in front of them. Fans seemed resigned themselves to the idea of a long rebuild. Enter Jack Zduriencik.

As a former Director of Player Personnel for the Brewers many in the blogosphere, including myself, worried that Zduriencik was too much of an old school GM when hired. With a solid field of up and coming stat-oriented candidates Zduriencik seemed too scout oriented to complete the overhaul needed to make the M's decent again. Feeling wrong never felt so right.

Tonight, with King Felix making his second to last start(ever?), the M's won their 81st game this year, ensuring a .500 record for the season. I, for one, am at Billy Mays on the excite-o-meter. My beloved M's seem to be building towards something good. FINALLY!!

Equipped with the best defense in the league-a full 20 runs better than the next best team- and possibly the best defense of the decade, a pitching staff and line-up(however impotent) built for the stadium it look to have a solid foundation for the future. The upgrades all over the team have added 20(!!!) wins so far to this season's total all thanks to Jack Zduriencik.

I am very excited to see what moves he makes over the winter to upgrade the offense and tweak the bullpen. Seeing what he has done so far I expect nothing less than a philosophers stone type move of turning Carlos Silva into Albert Pujols somehow. I kid, but I know there will be some move he does that has me standing and cheering when I get the news, even if it's in the middle of class.

Stanford Goes Mike Vick on Dawgs in Palo Alto

2009-09-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

There have been many litmus tests for the coaching staff so far this season. The LSU game was a test to see how these new-look Dawgs would fair against a perennial power from the SEC. Despite the loss most eveyone would say that was a test the Dawgs passed. Next came Idaho, could the coaching staff, that had everyone patting them on the back for a good loss the week before, get their kids ready to play against an also ran of college football. A strong win in front of the home crowd, the first in almost two years, gave them a pass for the test. Then came USC. It was Coach Sark's chance to go against his mentor and his always high-powered Trojans. Another test passed. After the win catapulted the dawgs into the top 25 since god knows when there was another test to pass. Could the coaching staff keep the team focused on the road after a big win and get a win against an up and comer in the conference? That answer was a resounding "FUCK NO!"

The Dawgs played poorly from the start yielding a touchdown on the opening kick of, a rather ominous start to the game. Things went downhill from there. The Dawgs defense that had stiffened against the vaunted running games of LSU and USC provided as much resistance as Jeramy Stevens' date at a frat party. Big Toby Gerhart rumbled to the tune of 200 yards rarely finding anybody to run over til at least the second level. Though on one run he ran through a couple weak arm tackles on his way for a 60 yard touchdown.

The pass defense didn't fair too much better. Oh sure, they didn't give up near as many yards but when you're running the ball the way Stanford was you can get away with having your quarterback go 7/14 as Andrew Luck did. The dawgs might not have forced luck to throw as much as they had hoped but when he did throw it was on roll outs or off of play action. With the Stanford running game giving UW a Lexington Steele like pounding any play action was bit hard on and left Stanford players wide open for the reception.

After a decent looking first half marred by a single interception Jake came crashing down faster than the crew of the Challenger. Yes, he was hurried, but even when he wasn't his passes seemed to lack the certainty of prior games and his decision making was off as he tried to force the ball to his receivers to make plays. This is why Jake shouldn't leave for the NFL after this season, contrary to what all the talking heads were saying about him last week.

One thing that had seemed to be the hallmark of this new coaching staff through the first three games was their ability to make adjustments at half-time and learn from first half mistakes. Going into the half I had faith in the coaching staff that they could figure out how to stop the run and get some points on the board to erase the 10 point deficit. That was not to be the case tonight. The Dawgs got run over just as bad in the second half as they did the first. In fact they failed to even score the entire second half. Which is damn shameful. It's not like Stanford has an elite defense that should be able keep the number of UW offensive playmakers out of the endzone. And yet they did.

In my mind, if a team can beat USC they should be able to beat anyone in the Pac-10. That didn't happen this week and that worries me. Hopefully this terrible loss will allow the coaches to go hard on their players this week to make sure there is not a repeat performance this week as the Dawgs head to South Bend to play Notre Dame and Charlie Weiss's FUPA.

Oregon Is Killing My Stiffy!!

2009-09-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

What is the opposite of a schadenfreude hard-on? Whatever it is that is what Oregon has been doing to me lately. I can't say I appreciate it too much either.

After their nationally televised implosion against Boise State it seemed Oregon was in for a dark season. They lost arguably their best player in LaGarrette Blount, head coach Chip Kelly looked like he dropped a load in his size 12 huggies overnights during his debut, and Newly minted AD and former headcoach Mike Belotti stalked the sidelines unable to relinquish the reins of the program. I was loving every second of it.

The next week Oregon barely managed to get past a weak Purdue team. It was a sloppy game on both sides and Oregon was lucky to have come out of the game with a win. Belotti was still down on the sidelines and not in his AD's booth. He continued to tell anyone who would listen about what the problems were that were haunting the Ducks. Despite the win I could smell blood. This was a weak team due for collapse at any given moment. Too bad they just kept winning.

After coming out of another sloppy game against an overrated Utah team with a win I was certain of one thing. This Saturday, against the Cal Golden Bears, Oregon would meet it's gruesome demise. I could picture Oregon being swallowed whole by the Cal juggernaut. Sure, I knew Cal had QB issues but I just assumed possible Heisman front runner RB Jahvid Best would run over the Ducks and QB would not be a factor for BSU. How wrong I was.

Oregon beat the holy hell out of Cal. I mean they did Cal like Monica Belucci in "Irreversible". It was a grisly scene at Autzen Stadium with the mangled corpse of Cal laying there after a 42-3 mauling by the Ducks. It turned my stomach worse than a Luis Buñuel film. My head is still spinning with confusion.

How had this team that seemed destined to fall on black days and start it's slow descent to the bottom of the Pac-10 managed to not only pull out wins out of it's ass but to also dismantle a Top-10 team like Cal?

I wish I knew how this turnaround has occured. Sadly, all I really do know is that Oregon's success has left me flaccid. And that's no way to be.

Leroy Hill Out Til Week 8. Fans Rend Their Garments.

2009-09-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

I remember for my 12th birthday my dad took me to Toys 'R' Us and told me to find a toy a 12 year old would like. I figured this was his fucked up way of telling me to pic out my present. Vague directions such as these were nothing new, my dad was often rather indirect about what he wanted. It was easier for him to get mad later that way. Anyway, I frantically searched up and down the aisles for my present, admiring action figures, looking over board games, ogling legos. Then I found it, my excalibur, a Nerf Ballzooka. 8 barrels of ball blasting menace sure to make me the king of all Nerf wars. I was stoked. I could already imagine the pwnage I would inflict upon my opponents. I could picture them running from a hail of little yellow Nerf balls.

I took my prize up to my dad, doing my best not to lose my cool from my excitement. He brought it up to the cash register, paid for it, took it out to his Blazer and put it in the back. There it remained for weeks, mocking me. Every time I got into the back seat I would inevitably look into the back seat and see the ballzooka sitting there in it's box just waiting to be used. Every time I'd look at it and get depressed thinking of all the cool things I could be doing with it. My dad eventually gave it to one of those buy a present for a needy kid places in the mall.

Losing Leroy Hill for 8 weeks after just a few plays in the first game reminds me exactly of this situation. Hill was to be a integral part of the new look West Coast defense. His blitzing and ability to track down plays in the backfield made him an intriguing weapon for D coordinator Gus Bradley. Now Bradley has to sit and watch as hill stands on the sideline with a groin injury. He'll probably cast a longing glance at what he can't have, much like a 12 year old me. The difference is Bradley gets Hill back after a few long weeks where as I never got my ballzooka.

UW Upsets #3 USC. Sark asks Carrol "How's My Ass Taste?"

2009-09-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

Many Dawg fans believed that USC was vulnerable after last week's tough win over Ohio State. I, however, was not one of them. I'll admit that. I was afraid that USC would run us over and leave just a purple and goal smudge on their helmet.

Such fear was not unfounded. USC looked solid playing a tough OSU team on the road and coming out with a victory. UW, on the other hand had a lot tougher game with Idaho than the score would indicate. If not for a few costly mistakes by Idaho there might've been a game. The defense looked less than stellar and against a monster like USC not a mistake could be afforded.

The first drive by the Trojans did little to allay my fears. It took all of 6 plays, 80 yards and a little over two and a half minutes for USC to score the first touch down of the game. The Dawg's defense looked over matched against an elite O-Line as they were gashed for big yardage. It was the moment I feared. Playing an elite team that already had a tough game to get everything in line for I worried we wouldn't be able to sneak up on them like perhaps we did against LSU.

A quick three and out by the UW offense did little to instill confidence in me. I was close to slipping into the abyss of dejection after a Trojans field goal gave USC a 10-0 lead but was thankfully saved the next UW drive when Jake ran the ball in for the score. That drive kept the Dawgs more than close enough to feel confident about their chances. A game that seemed almost out of reach at 10-0 felt damn winnable tied at 10 going into the half.

Even then I worried, though. I should have felt ecstatic about the former 0-12 Dawgs hanging with a National Championship contender. Instead I knew that USC was a second half team. I'd see too often USC not play sharp in the first half against a lesser opponent only to steam roll them in the second half. I feared a disembowelment when the Trojans came down the the tunnel and took the field for the second half.

Luckily, what I saw was a defensive battle throughout the second half punctuated with USC turnovers. Key turnovers at that. It seemed everytime USC would get into scoring position they would magically turn the ball over to the defense. That's not to take anything away from the UW defense, they played out of their minds. Holding USC to 13 points is impressive no matter what but the turnovers were uncharacteristic of a Pete Carrol coached team.

What impressed me the most about that game, more than the defense coming through, more than special teams doing a great job on Joe McKnight, was the continuing development and stellar play of Jake Locker. USC might very well have had the best player at nearly any position. There was one position where UW had a clear advantage and that was at quarterback. Despite consistent pressure and taking hits like the sham-wow hooker, Jake looked poised throughout the game. He did his best to stay in the pocket and make USC pay for keeping a spy on him.

The 3rd and 15 will be a play forever remembered in Husky lore. It was a perfect example of Jake's using his legs to keep the play alive down the field where in years past he woulda just ran with it. When Jake started to get flushed out of the pocket he kept his eyes downfield and spotted Jermaine Kearse open down the sideline and hit him to convert the crucial first down.

Jake went 21/35 completing 60% of his passes against a tough Trojans defense. He made reads, put touch on his throws and all around looked like the savior he has hyped to be when he arrived down on Montlake. Jake very well could be the best QB in the conference and I think he has the tools in his playmakers to have a great season. Best of all he allowed Steve Sarkisian to ask his old boss "Pete, how's my ass taste?"

2009-09-19T17:20:00.001-07:00

Woooo!!!!! Holy Fuck!! Wooooo!!! Dawgs beat #3 USC!!!
I say this without hyperbole, that has to be the biggest win since the Rose Bowl win over Michigan for the National Championship. On another note, Jake Locker very well might be the best QB in the Pac-10.
How crazy is it that a year ago Jake was shakier than a Sodo bum going through DT's when he's dropped back to pass and this year he's making throws with precision and confidence. The turn around is amazing and has to be attributed to the ability of the new coaching staff to actually teach unlike the last regime who seemed to feeling learning was done via osmosis.

I'll have more on this game later. But, for now, Go Huskies!!!!!! WOOF!!

Seahawks Pwn Rams in Season Opener

2009-09-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

2009 marked the beginning of a new era for the Seattle Seahawks under head coach Jim Mora. As often is the case with new things people worried about the changes to the team. How would the offense fair without offensive mastermind and devourer of clams, Mike Holmgren? With John Marshall gone would that mean no more zero blitzes for the defense? And if that was indeed the case people wondered what new surefire play would the 'Hawks design to give up first downs? All these questions and more haunted 'Hawks fans until Sunday afternoon.

I doubt anybody really expected the Rams to be any good this year, even Rams fans. That said the 28-0 ravaging of St Louis was still damn impressive considering all that separated the two teams last year was one win. If not for a turnover filled 1st quarter the game would have been even more of a blowout.

After a rocky start Hass looked as comfortable as ever under center. Hell, there was a decent number of plays where Hass took snaps from the shotgun, something Mike Holmgren only occasionally let Matt audible into.

Overall the thing that impressed me the most, other than Aaron Curry absolutely leveling Stephen Jackson, knocking him off his feet before escorting him to the turf with his shoulder, was the creative new play calls on both side of the ball. This was not The Walrus' ordered yet predictable West Coast offense. In fact, I'm pretty sure Holmgren must have knocked over his bucket of clams in anger and astonishment on more than one occasion while watching the game.

The quintessential play that demonstrated how far the play calling has come since the old full back draw was run out of a Sea-Cat formation. Seneca Wallace lined up at QB in the shotgun with Hass out wide on his right. After receiving the snap Wallace threw the ball to Hass who faked like he was going to go upfield with it before he threw the ball back to Seneca who took off up the sideline for a huge gain.

I've opined for years that Seneca, while a decent back-up QB, could be so much more than that given the chance. Like Antwaan Randle-el but with a better arm. I often dreamed of all the crazy plays that could be designed to use Senecea's athleticism and sighed knowing Holmgren would never dare to risk injury to Seneca even if the gain from such plays far outweighed the chance at injury. Seeing my dreams materialize in front of my eyes like that gave me a lot of hope for this season and a lot of love for this new coaching staff.

The run game looked decent with Julius Jones breaking off a 62 yard run that showed he still had some of his old speed still in him. Edge was serviceable, plodding forward and taking what he was given while always falling forward. Justin Forsett looked solid as a 3rd down back and proved worthy of wearing Maurice Morris' old number, 20.

The receivers went all Jack the Ripper on the Rams secondary carving them up all day. TJ Houshmazode(championship!) looked like Bobby Engram 2.0 running crisp routes over the middle, absorbing contact and making good yards after the catch. Deon Butler caught a couple passes and threatened with his deep speed. The true star was Nate Burleson. Always a great athlete Nate struggled with the demanding precision that Holmgren's offense required. The new coaching staff recognized his talent and instead of trying to force him into a role for which he is not quite suited they are trying to develop a role that takes advantage of his strengths. Bubble screens, quick hitches and getting the ball out to him fast if his man plays off were all part of the new Burleson repetoire.

Remember when people complained John Carlson was slow? Well, how does the fact that a slow player got off for 6 catches, 95 yards and 2 tubs grab you? I loved JC last year. In a lost season his play was a savior. As he develops more of a rapport with Matt he will become even more of a monster.

Defense was solid. Some fools worried that the 'Hawks had shown too much of their new defensive schemes in the preseason and that once the season started teams would be ready for our defense. Like I said before, no one expected the Rams to be good or even decent but a shut out is damn satisfying. The depth of versatile players on the defense means the days of zero blitzes with Brian Russel left in cover-1 are over. And thank Christ for that.

I have faith that the 'Hawks can regain their winning ways this season and prove last year's 4-12 record was a fluke. With the way 'Hawks played yesterday the division title will be back in our hands by the end of the season. And that, friends, is always a good time

College Football Round-up: Jim Tressel Shits His Sweater Vest, Charlie Weiss' Fupa Loses To Michigan, Chip Kelly Escapes to Lose Another Week

2009-09-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

I fucking love College Football. I love it even more than I love the NFL. I love the crazy offenses. I love the spread options, the pistols, the triple options, none of which would you ever see in the Pros. I love all the conferences and big time programs and their storied histories. I love the great monuments to sport with names like The Horseshoe, Death Valley, and The Swamp. What isn't to love about stadiums that become the largest cities in their state on game day? But more than all that I love all the teams, and I love their coaches.

Or, I should say, love to hate their coaches. After watching Dave Wannstedt attempt to coach the Miami Dolphins years ago I made a vow that I never wanted to see him or his mustache succeed. Therefore, I hate Pitt. I was never a fan of Charlie Weis or his gunt in New England and I've always hated the chi-mo endorsing Golden Domers of Notre Dame. Now that they've joined together I can focus my dislike of them into a burning beam of hate like the sun through a magnifying glass. It doesn't matter who the head coach of Oregon is I will hate them til my heart turns black. Ohio State is much like Ben Affleck, their undeserved earlier success has led them to have a false sense of importance.

The fun thing with College Football is the preseason rankings which the networks hold up as the one true barometer of how good a team is before a single game is even played. As one might expect with such a flawed system teams are often vastly overrated in the season. Often times the overrated programs have coaches on my hate list which makes my hatred for that school/person that much more potent. I'll sit intently staring at the screen channeling my will hoping it will cause them to fail. And when they do, how sweet it is!!

Saturday and Saturday night provided so much fail I could hardly keep from ripping off my pants and masturbating I was so excited. Let's do a ~~quick~~ lengthy recap, shall we?

I was at the Dawg's game when Michigan upset Notre Dame and Charlie Weiss' FUPA in the waning seconds on Saturday. Despite my inability to see Notre Dame's demise, my heart grew two sizes knowing that ol' Uncle Charlie might not be long for the head coaching job at Notre Dame. You see Michigan has been terrible in recent years falling from perennially proud contender in the Big 10 to a team that lost to Appalachian State just two years ago. Then the school that was built on the tradition of the I formation and running over people decided to switch things up and hire the architect of West Viginia's high powered spread option offense, Rich Rodriguez.

Sad thing is, the current personnel of Michigan fit Rich-Rod's system like Oprah in Britney Spears' "Oops...I did it again!" cat suit. I thought the Wolverine-spread experiment was destined to fail and all signs seemed to be pointing that way. However, after a win against hated rival Notre Dame and the man whose gunt enters a room 5 minutes before he does Rich-Rod just bought himself more time. Conversely, Charlie Weiss and his flap are now on the hot seat from the loss. A Notre Dame team on the rise isn't supposed to lose to a Michigan team in the doldrums rebuilding. That they did gave me a schadenfreude hard on at a rather uncomfortable time. It's tough to stand and cheer when yer worried about cock-braining the old lady in front of you.

The most anticipated game of Saturday was a rematch of last years rout of Ohio State University by USC. Despite losing 8 players to the NFL draft many thought USC's defense would destroy Terelle Pryor and the Buckeye's offensive while the Trojan offense would be able to make enough plays to win handily. Others like OSU Alum/former player turned announcer, Kirk Herbstreit, thought that playing in front of 106,503 fans would rattle USC's true freshmen QB Matt Barkley. That combined with OSU's tough defense would spell doom for the young USC team.

There is a reason no one really listens to Herbstreit, and scrotum sucking ball-fondling odes to his alma mater are a large part of that. Never trust Herbstreit to be objective when it comes OSU. Actually just never trust him in general when it comes to OSU.

USC trailed 10-15 starting their last drive of the night and they faced an uphill battle against a tough OSU D and the 100,000+ strong of the Horseshoe. A touchdown would win the game. However, USC should have never been given the oppurtunity to score and win. They should have been down at least 19-10 in the waning minutes of the game. But the Buckeye's went conservative and kicked field goals on two occasions when inside the USC 5 yard line. Buckeye fans can blame Jim Tressel for the loss.

Jim Tressel's attire is a perfect reflection of what kind of play caller he is. His short sleeve button up wants to say "laid back and cool guy" but is drowned out by his cinched up tie, glasses and trademark sweater vest all of which scream "The stick up this man's ass has a stick up its ass!!". Tressel's arch-conservative, anti-abortion, pro-deregulation leanings were on full display early in the second quarter when a long drive left OSU with a 4th and goal from the USC 1. The playcalling the prior 3 plays had been bad enough, a weak pass play, then two runs straight into the USC line. Then rather than do something crazy like spread out the USC D and let Terelle try and make magic happen with either his arm or legs or even try a QB sneak with the 6'6" 240 lb Pryor Tressel opted to just kick a field goal.

Now, I realize it was early in the game and common football logic dictates that you just take the points in that situation. However, you are playing USC who destroyed you the year before, you are at home, you know that you NEED points against a Pete Carrol team AND even if you didn't convert on 4th down you leave USC backed-up worse than me after a cheese binge. Your defense has been lights out all game and chances are you get the ball right back.

But that's not the Tressel way. Nor is it to try and create mismatches for your WRs by spreading out the offense every once and a while. Hell, if Tressel does that he might have actually have given Pryor some room to run, the one area USC had trouble with OSU's offense. Tressel however decided to rail against universal health care and kick the field goal. He lost as a result.

The night cap of despised coaches/programs was the University of Oregon vs. Purdue in a way less cool match-up of Big-10 vs Pac 10 than USC vs OSU. After last week's debacle against Boise State I was hoping to witness Oregon's descent into a season of hell. A loss to Purdue would be a healthy push down the stairs. Sadly that was not the case.

The head coaching job at Oregon is Chip Kelly's to lose and he looked perilously close to losing it last week. As Kelly watched his team fall apart due to sloppy play and mental errors you could see he had the Ty Wilingham face of "Oh shit, this is not how I thought things would happen. What do I do now? What do I do now, dammit?!?!". The whole while Mike Belotti the former coach turned AD was down on the sidelines giving pep talks to players and telling what they were doing wrong. Yup, the AD was down on the sidelines doing more coaching than the head coach. Not the way to start the season.

The were various times in the Purdue game, a turnover here, a missed assignment there, when the Ty face would start to creep onto Kelly's visage. Luckily the Ducks managed to stop Purdue on 4th down with a minute left to seal the deal. That didn't stop Belotti, again down on the sideline, from dispensing coaching wisdom to the sideline reporter.When asked when asked what he thought of the tams play so far he got rather specific saying something to the effect of "Well if the WR made a crisper cut out of his break and the QB wasn't drifting away from the line when he threw and the right guard kicked out instead of in on that last play I think we could've had a touch down.". In the brief interview Belotti also mentioned that he still hadn't figured out where he wanted to be on game day up in his box or down on the field, but the manor in which he said it made it seem as if he intended on being down on the sidelines but knew that his proper place, as an AD was up in the booth.

The fact that Oregon escaped another terribly sloppy game, this time with a W was rather upsetting for me. I'm an addict for Oregon fail. But still, seeing them struggled with a lower tier team like Purdue did warm the cockles of my heart. For I know that they are not the contender they painted themselves as to start the season. They are not in the top tier of the Pac-10 and since the second tier includes everybody but USC and Cal at the top and WSU at the bottom that means that there is a decent chance we can beat them when they come up here this year. That'd be sweet!

All in all it was a fun Saturday of football with lots of good game and some quality fails as well. Who knows what next week holds? Will Charlie Weis' gunt gain sentience and attempt to remove itself from it's host? Will Jim Tressel have tie too tight and suffer at stroke because of it? Will Mike Belotti push Chip Kelly out of the way and resume the mantle of head coach, the headset with it, while Kelly cries in the corner like a kid who had his favorite transformer stolen? Only time will tell.

Huskies Destroy Idaho. Vandals Rape Dawgs D

2009-09-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful late summer day down at Montlake. A slight breeze rustled through the trees as fans walked through the perfect 80 degree day to take their seats to see UW play The University of Idaho. Though the crowd was noticeably smaller than the week prior at the rainy LSU game there was still a feeling of anticipation and nervous excitement in the air. And how could there not be? The Dawgs were favored by 21 over Idaho to end their losing streak that had spanned parts of 3 seasons. The Dawgs were gonna win big and everyone knew it. The crowd wanted blood. A Roman coliseum crowd faced more uncertainty than those in attendance at Montlake today.

After a quick first down and then 3 and out by the defense Jake and company took up residence at their own 3 yard line to start their first drive of the day. And what a drive it was as the Dawgs moved at ease through the over matched Vandals defense. Jake Locker used his legs to scramble for the 3 yard td to cap the 97 yard drive. I'm not sure the last time The Dawgs had a drive near that long but the crowd ate it up. That drive gave creedence to most fans' thoughts that this game would be a cake walk and that the starters shouldn't be back in after half. Sadly, that was not to be the case. Idaho would not go quietly into their locker room.

The Dawgs defense that displayed dominance in the opener against LSU played as passively as possible. The second Vandals drive started with decent field position thanks to terrible kick-offs by kicker Eric Folk and poor coverage on the returns. Those expecting to see a complete and total mauling of the Vandals offense were sorely disapointed. The Vandals drove 40 yards and kicked a field goal. This seemed to be the story all day. The Dawgs would have a solid drive for a score only to have another shitty kick-off combine with lack of pressure on defense to result in a Vandals' field goal.

Field goals are not much to worry about and by halftime the Dawgs were up 21-9. But the Vandals refused to give up and after two second half touchdowns(one was in garbage time, but still) they covered the spread and only lost by 19.

I want to be happy about this win. The Dawgs amassed 374 yards of offense and moved down the field almost at will on the Vandals. The running game led by Chris Polk again looked solid. Johri Fogerson toted the rock and caught some passes and looked impressive while doing so. Jake Locker again spread the ball around completing 17/25 passes. He showed touch and timing that had never existed prior to this year. Yeah, he stared a couple receivers down like Oprah at a buffet line but hopefully he'll be coached out of that. Like I said, the offense was amazing.

However great the offense was the defense was inversely mediocre. Most pundits thought that UW would dominate the line of scrimmage and live in the UI backfield disrupting the QB all day. Sadly, this was not at all the case. Amazingly the same defense that manged to get adequate pressure against a far superior line in LSU was having massive troubles making a ripple against Idaho. And when blitzes were called the middle of the field was often left susceptible to big gains. It made for a maddening combination. It also made me shit my pants in fear at the thought of hosting USC next Saturday.

If the Dawgs play anywhere near this poorly on defense/special teams against the Trojans they'll crumble like R.Kelly's will around young women. Nick Holt needs to find something and fast otherwise the Dawgs'll just be a smear on the road in the wake of the big red USC machine. And I really would rather not see that.

Dawgs Dominate LSU. Lose Game. New Era Brings Hope

2009-09-06T13:56:00.001-07:00

Keep this man smiling by winning some games this season!

I'll admit, when the Dawgs chose to receive the opening kickoff of the 2009 season I was rather nervous. The sickly sour taste of fear in my mouth was overwhelming. 14 straight losses can make even the most optimistic Dawg fan a cowering pup. This is especially true when playing a national powerhouse like LSU. A team like that could dismantle a 0-12 UW team and leave more psyches shattered than a Catholic Priest at camp full of Boy Scouts. With a violent defeat all the talk about coaching the players up and causes for optimism would drain down the players' legs. I worried about the ramifications of a quick 3 and out before LSU took the ball and scored.

All fears of failure were erased when The Dawgs marched down the field like Sherman through Georgia, consistently picking up good yardage on the ground as well as through the air on the first two downs allowing them converting manageable third downs. Then Jake Locker hit true freshman James Johnson for a 17 yard catch and run touchdown. A statement was sent, "These are NOT your 2008, 0-12 Huskies!" The stadium erupted in cheers and a huge burden was removed from the backs of UW players.

The entire team was crazy with excitement after the crowd caused Ciron Black, he of the Outland Trophy watch list, to false start moving the Tigers from 3rd and goal from the 2 to 3rd and goal from the 7. The Tigers failed to get a td and had to settle for the field goal. Momentum seemed very much on the Dawgs' side. Then the first costly mistake happened.

Jake Locker had improved much in the offseason under new head coach Steve Sarkisian. That much was one display during the first drive. But the fact that Jake still has a lot of work to do to become the QB he can be was shown very clearly to start the second drive. First play of the drive Jake dropped back and fired a pass out to his right failing to see linebacker Jacob Cutrera who tipped the ball to himself and ran for the TD. The Dawgs were all of a sudden down 10-7.

After a brief stint on the sideline during the kick off Jake and the rest of the Husky offense took the field again looking to make up for the mistake on the last drive. And for the most part they did as they drove 63 yards and were much like an early 90's junky on Capitol Hill, they were looking to score. Then disaster struck this team again as Chris Polk, who had a great night running the ball and ripped off a 33 yard run earlier in the drive, fumbled on the LSU 5 yard line. The defense held and forced a punt but the chance to go up was lost. On the next drive UW had to settle for a field goal to tie it up.

Those two plays, in my mind were the most critical in determining the game's outcome. If UW puts together a second drive to match their first or their third, sans the fumble, there is a good chance they are up 14-3. At that point the defense had been shutting down the vaunted LSU run game and it is entirely possible that they could have gotten the ball back with another chance to score before half.

That's huge when facing a superior opponent, to get on them early and not let up. The relatively Young LSU team might have been rattled and probably would have had to alter their game plan. In that case the Huskies would have been in control and playing like the favorites. Sadly, that didn't happen. While the Dawg's managed to stay within barking distance the rest of the game, a slow 3rd quarter combined with the expected come aparts in the secondary made the chances of them pulling out a win rather slim.

Overall though, I was very impressed with this team. They out-gained the Tigers 478-321 and absolutely controlled the time of possession 36:52 to 23:08. Chris Polk, whom I thought look way over-matched last year was dynamite all night. He was quick to and through the hole. He managed to get to the edge well and he rarely went down after first contact. My favorite play of the night was his dishing out two terrible stiff-arms tow LSU defenders on his 33 yard run, damn impressive.

Jake Locker passed for 321 yards and 2 tds in the game. If not for the interception it would have been a near flawless performance as he went 25-45. His completion percentage might have been a few ticks higher if some of Jake's receivers held onto the passes. Jake's scrambling ability for big gains was limited by the fast secondary of LSU. Patrick Peterson, a 6'1" 211lb corner made sure that Jake was kept in check and no quick passes to receivers were going to go for anything after the catch. Peterson seemed to be everywhere for the Tigers. Even being relatively limited Jake still managed to run for 51 yards and pick up crucial first down with his legs.

The Wideouts looked solid, Aguilar and Johnson really impressed. Though Aguilar did have a crushing drop in the 4th quarter on a perfectly thrown ball by Jake. It hit his hands but he just could not reel it it. Johnson, however seems to be the prototype for the new UW WR. Big, fast, strong and great hands. In just his first game he had 6 catches for 60+ yards. If the WR's can hold onto the ball Jake might have some fine options in the passing game.

The tight end, a crux of the pro-style offense Sark ran at USC, as well as a traditional position of talent for UW, seems to be making a resurgence. Both Kavario Middleton and Chris Izbicki saw a lot of playing time and did well with their blocking. However, it was Middleton who flashed his much talked about athleticism and pass catching prowess by snagging 5 passes for 45 yards and the last TD of the game. If the kid keeps it up he could be something really special.

The D game up some big plays and struggled a bit with the option last night. But for the most part they played damn well. Daniel Teo Nesheim managed to occasionally get into the LSU back field and get pressure which is incredible considering the talent on LSU's line. Also impressive was Ta'amu Alimeda who was constantly commanding double and triple teams all night. He even got a sack and a pressure on consecutive plays when he twisted left into the backfield on one play and then mirrored the twist to the right on the next. LSU's running game was supposed to run us down like a dog in the street. That the Tigers had to run the option to get to the edge says a lot of out the d-line and linebackers.

Special Teams was remarkable in that they didn't let any of the Dahmer-dangerous LSU return break loose for a long gain or a TD. Folk, the kicker missed a 42 yard field goal and was kinda shaky on a few of his PAT's but still I'll take it.

The entire game the coaching staff could be see right in the ears of their players coaching them up. Regardless of whether it was a successful play or not the coaching staff was wanting to talk with their players and let them know what to do better next time while at the same time letting them know they did good work. Compared to the old Willingham regime's style of coaching this hands-on approach felt almost like bondage. And who doesn't like a little pain with their pleasure?

I was also impressed with how varied our offensive sets were. When Sark was hired I was worried about his pro-style leanings and what that would mean for Jake's legs. I should have known that a bright mind like Sarkisian's would not let such a tool go to waste. Aside from the normal single back pro-sets and various I-formations seen last night there were also glimpses of the spread shown. Jake even ran a read option keeper, something straight out of last year's playbook. To keep LSU honest UW ran and threw out of the spread and had much success. Jake also had some designed rollouts and bootlegs drawn up for him. As the season wears on and Sark gets more comfortable with his personnel and his personnel with him I think we will start to see that playbook really start to open up. When that happens watch out because who knows what wrinkles Coach Sark will add to maximize his talent.

The refs were terrible missing a few calls and a calling a few they shouldn't have. All in all another day for Pac-10 officiating.

The broadcast crew was terrible. There was a real homosexual overtone to everything they talking about and that is aside from voraciously fellating the Bayou Bengals the entire game. There were numerous mentions by one of the broadcasters about how good looking the LSU's football players were followed by b-roll footage of the Tigers walking into the stadium. The broadcaster went on to say that he felt many of the Tigers could win beauty competitions. I'm not sure what relevance that held on last night's game but that didn't matter to the announcer. After the gushing over the (se)x factor for LSU the conversation turned to how much Jake Locker reminded them of Brady Quinn. To prove this point they showed Jake at pre-game warm ups, wind blowing his purple workout shirt against his body, steely blue eyes looking out across the lake, not a shot of him doing anything football related just sexy shots of Jake. The whole thing was hilariously uncomfortable. .I wonder what the folks in the smaller towns of western Washington thought about such homoerotic antics being beamed into their house.

From the way the Dawgs played last night I think it's safe to say that 2009 will be nothing like the dismal years preceding it. If the coaches can get their players up to play at that level every game, something I think they are very capable of, then watch out! This team could shock some people and maybe pull out 6 wins. I'm keeping my expectations muted until we get our first win and see if this intensity is as lasting as I hope it is. I'm predicting 4 wins on the season. Believe me though, it would not shock me at all for the Dawgs to beat some Pac-10 teams and make a bowl game for the first time in 7 seasons. WOOF!!

Matt Millen on ABC

2009-09-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here basking in the glory of the opening Saturday of College football while watching Oklahoma State play Georgia on ABC. Life is good, I think, and then I recognize a voice. It's the same one I heard giving his professional opinion during the NFL draft. It's presence in the braodcast booth at this college football game is just as baffling as it's presence at the draft. I shake my head in disbelief, trying to tell myself that this voice I heard could not be the destroyer of Detroit dreams I believed it to be. Then I am greeted with terrible confirmation with a shot of both broadcasters in the booth. My ears hadn't deceived me. The voice I heard did belong to one Matt Millen. I punch myself in the face.

Last January I tuned into NBC to watch some playoff football. Normally I bypass the windbags on the pregame show and turn on the braodcast only right before kickoff. This day I was slightly off with my timing and what I saw shocked me. There was Matt Millen, recently fired GM of the winless Detroit Lions, sitting on the set going on about what this team needed to do to get their offense going and what that team needed to do to keep up on defense.

I didn't understand it. How could one so inept, who had failed so spectacularly on such a grand scale, be allowed to attempt to disseminate information on the exact thing he was so terrible at? How was anybody supposed to take Matt Millen seriously, let alone NBC for hiring this train wreck of a man? I know that sports are an old boys network that run more on who you know rather than how well you do your job but even given that knowledge Millen's hiring made no sense.

Then came the draft. I managed to miss most of it due to prior obligations(read: work crew) but what I did catch was Millen again going about why this player of that player will or won't be successful in the NFL. One of the most consistent failings of Millen's reign in Detroit was his failing to draft productive players and yet there he was telling America which college kids would or would not make in the NFL. The zombified corpse of Layne Staley giving out advice on how to kick heroin and stay clean could not have been more unqualified.

Now I'll be forced to listen to Millen every Saturday comment on the game I'm trying to watch on ABC. I can only hope that, somehow, Millen's stache grows over his mouth inhibiting him from talking. Either that or during a broadcast at Michigan or Michigan State a disgruntled Lions fan goes all Mark David Chapman on Millen. Otherwise it may a long college football season.

Another Reason To Drink Today: Seahawks Cut Brian Russell

2009-09-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

It's the opening Saturday of college football today which means many of the readers of this site are out drinking somewhere in celebration. They now have another reason to beer bong another half rack of Pabst. Brian Russell, the ball cancer of suck, was cut today by the Seahawks.

BRuss has been much maligned not only here and Seahawks super-blog Field Gulls but his suck is so glaring that NFL humor site Kissing Suzy Kolber has a "Brian Fucking Russell" tag. That's right he's so bad and KSK mocked him so much he warranted his own tag. Fucking terrible!!

I'm not going to go into detail about the level of BRuss' suck or write a long mocking ode to a terribly incompetent player. The summation of the dark age of Brian Russel at free safety can be found here and here as written by intrepid 'Hawks blogger John Morgan. He details the depressing depths of suck that BRuss created far better than I ever could. Also, check out the gifs in the comments section here to relive the white terror that was Brian Russell. Then after you get done with that pound a couple drinks down in celebration over the fact that, as a Seahawk fan, you will no longer have to worry about Russel making nobodies like Domenik Hixon into stars.

Cheers!!

Neck Beard Out, 6th Round Rookie In

2009-09-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

That 2010 first round pick the Seahawks acquired from Denver in return for Seattle's 2009 2nd and 3rd rounders is looking better and better. First, the Broncos got rid of Cutler. Then, they had a less than stellar draft. More recently, WR Brandon Marshall was suspended one game for conduct detrimental to the team after fucking around in practice and batting passes down and generally acting like an ass. Now, the Bronco's will be without their starting QB, Kyle Orton, for the final preseason game and possibly the first game of the season.

After slapping the hand of Bear's player Adewale Ogunleye Kyle Orton received what is known as an open dislocation. Apparently this is when the dislocated bone cuts through the flesh and pops out through the skin, fun. The Bronco's are trying to be coy about this whole thing and are reporting that Orton will only miss the last preseason game this Sunday and that he should be ready to go by the season opener.

Now, I'm no doctor and have no medical experience outside of occasionally smoking medical marijuana. That said, I have to believe that when a finger is dislocated to the point that the bone is sticking out the person with the dislocation won't be able to throw the pigskin around for awhile. Let alone throw the pig-skin with 300+lb men chasing after you. Plus with dislocations and especially dislocations involving lacerations there is always a chance at ligament damage which means rehab would be necesary and that would push the time table for Orton's return back even farther.

Should Orton not be able to go and back-up Chris Simms out for another 2-4 weeks with a high ankle sprain the Bronco's playcalling duties fall to 6th round rookie from Fresno State Tom Brandstater. In other words, the game would be a sure loss.

This is great news for Seahawk fans. A top 5 pick is looking more and more like a real possibility with the way things have shaken out in Denver this season. I still find it amazing that one man could destroy a team so throughoughly in his first few months on the job. But damn if Josh McDaniel's hasn't done exactly that. Oh well, I'm on a schadenfreude high right now and will be cheesed out of my mind until the placement of the pick from Denver is official.

Stay Classy University of Oregon

2009-09-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

As a fan of the Pac-10 or of college football in general, for that matter, there are many reasons to hate the University of Oregon. They are a new money program in the Pac-10 whose fans think WAAAY too highly of themselves and their teams and are reputed for their assholish actions, Nike Founder Phil Knight bankrolls their athletic program and pays for cutesy uniform changes every few years like the addition of the silver wings on the shoulder pads this season, and the town of Eugene is a shithole from all accounts I have heard. Tonight UO gave fans a new reason to hate them, LeGarrette Blount and his über-classy sucker punch of a Boise State D-lineman.

Now, I'm sure the lineman said something rather unpleasant to Blount to elicit such a reaction, possibly having to do with the comments he made prior to the game about Oregon owing Boise State an ass-whoopin' after the embarrassing loss at home last season. And perhaps it was an even worse comment than that and he deserved to be punched. But for Blount to cold sucker punch the Boise State player as he turns away to talk to his coach is terribly low. Even for Oregon.

To cap off the altercation with a little more class Blount lost his damn mind on his way out of the stadium. A couple Boise State fans had a few choice words for Blount that did not sit well with the already steamed star. Blount shook his escort out of his shoes with a Barry Sanders like fake as he went to confront the fans. In the end it took almost 6 people to tear Blount away from the stands before he could decimate the offending asshole.

Again, the fans probably had some pretty fucked up things to say to Blount as he walked by. Blount's blow up probably stemmed from rather racist comments judging from Blount's reaction and the fact that the game was in Boise. Still, incredibly racist/fucked up comments or not there is no excuse for the player to attempt to get into the stands like that. No matter how much he may want to and no matter how much the fan(s) might deserve it.

Blount, who is arguably Oregon's best player, will more than likely be out the rest of the year if not kicked out of school and out of college football for good. I have a hard time seeing a different outcome.

As messed up as the sucker punch and following quasi-brawl were it's hard not to take enjoyment in this incident at Oregon's expense. I'll admit I got a nice little schadenfreude hard-on right now thinking about the ramification on the Oregon program. Thanks for the good times and stay classy fellas!

Dog Day Afternoon in Philly

2009-08-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

After an Odyssean journey that led him from the back woods of Virginia, to the federal court house, to the county jail and house arrest Mike Vike (aka Ron Mexico) has found a new home, the City of Brotherly love, Philadelphia.

Apparently( and not surprisingly) Eagles' management doesn't have faith in former second round pick Kevin Kolb as the heir apparent Vick will start the season as the back-up to Donovan McNegro. Perhaps as the season progresses Vick will be incorporated into the Mad Dog formation with DeSean Jackson. It will be at that point the sporting world will finally find out how much of that once jaw-dropping, pants shitting, erection giving, atheleticism Mike still posseses.

Philly seems like a good fit for Vick both in terms of personel and scheme. More importantly though, the notoriously surly Philly Phans seem like the perfect fan base to ~~boo~~ root for the Felon. Philly doesn't strike me as the same type of city like Seattle, San Fransisco, or San Diego where extreme liberal leanings will cause protesters to congregate and mindlessly protest their teams signing of an animal abuser like zombies at the mall in "Dawn of the Dead".

I'm sure protesters will show up in Philly, as well. But I hope that some of the more rough Iggles fans threaten or just plain kick the shit out of the PETA style douchebags who will inevitably flock like vultures on a carcass, jockeying for best camera position to properly display their moral indignation. Much like the stupid hippy protesters at Grey's Harbor, I hope these self-righteous fucktards get the shit kicked out of them. The battle between Philly fans and protesters is now my reason for giving two shits about the Iggles.

With Vick's arrival in Philly routine camp battles lose their allure compared the incoming spectacle. All of a sudden the preseason got a lot more interesting.

Welcome To The Seattle Mariners Jack Wilson And Ian Snell. Hope You Survive The Experience!!

2009-07-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

Much happened yesterday in the 100+ degree heat of hottest day in Seattle history. People complained, children swam, workers sweated through their clothes completely and The M's made a much anticipated trade. Former Pittsburgh Pirates Ian Snell and Jack Wilson are now Mariners.

Given up in the trade was former 3rd overall pick, failed catcher Jeff Clement, utility player turned everyday shortstop who's hitting woes make my struggles to put bat on ball as a little leaguer look good by comparison, and 3 Single A arms. Clement had lost favor in the organization because of his inability to catch, a required skill for a player signed to be a catcher. Clement's papíer maché knees caused him to miss significant time this year and also hindered his ability to get into the catcher's stance, another not so good sign. He looks to be a 1st baseman for the Pirates. :(edeño was only ever brought in to be a back up, but with Yuni sucking and subsequently traded he was forced into starting duty where his bats was about as effective as the French resistance. None of the 3 minor league pitchers were all THAT exciting, they were single A after all, but Brett Lorin was supposedly a pretty interesting prospect.

In return we get Jack Wilson, a light hitting, defensive wiz of a shortstop. The down side is that he is 31 years old and owed a decent amount for 2010, $8.4 mil. A major upgrade of the shortstop position to be sure. Still it's like going from a flesh light to a real doll, sure it's an upgrade but you can still do a lot better. Ian Snell was a highly regarded pitcher before mental health issues forced him to request a demotion to AAA. Many fans gave Snell no end of shit for being a pussy and wussing out when the pressure was one. However, if George Romero's "...of the Dead" movies have taught me anything, and they have, it's that the greater Pittsburgh area is an apocalyptic wasteland filled with flesh hungry zombies. If my commute to work was filled with fending off the undead and hearing the constant baritone of their guttural moans I would become suicidal as well.

All in all not a bad trade. Though not the trade many fans were hoping for. Wilson is not as sexy and Reid Brignac or even JJ Hardy, who're 8 and 5 years younger than Wilson respectively. Both seem to have better hitting upsides as well and would be cheaper longer term solutions at the position than Wilson. Snell could be a great value if he regains his form of a couple years ago, as he has a few relatively cheap club options left on his contract. But Snell was done with Pittsburgh and everyone knew it. Many thought it would be possible to trade someone like Wlad for Snell. Even if that was an exaggeration of Snell's stock, it probably wasn't too far off base.

Giving up the arms we did along with Clement and :(edeño seems to tilt this trade in the Pirates favor which is odd. I was hoping that Jack Z would pull off some jaw dropping trade like the 3 team deal with Tampa and Cleveland that had been rumored. Not only would have we aquired the long term shortstop of the future but we might have been able to get rid of Washburn(probably provided we ate the rest of his salary). Now, it seems, the M's over played their hand with Washburn. They made the deal with the Pirates and hoped they could restock what they lost by trading Wash. It looks like now he might not being going anywhere(which isn't a terrible thing) and we might not get anything for him when he leave(which rather sucks).

I have faith in Jack Zduriencik. He's made some damn good trades and pick-ups prior to this trade and I hope he pulls off some deadline move that will cause me to quieltly rise out of my seat and give a monumental slow-clap.

2009-07-27T20:20:00.001-07:00

People always complain about red sox fans taking over Safeco. And rightly so. Those bastards descend upon Safeco like a plague of locusts decimating everything in a cloud of bandwagon douche baggery replete with pink Boston hats and matching shirts.

Forgot in the hatred of Massholes is the annoying surge of politeness that comes from the mass of unwashed Canadians who storm the Safe when the Blue Jays are in town.

There have been a couple times during the course of the game today where a loud cheer has erupted from the crowd. When I look to see what splendid feat the Mariners have performed or if some streaker is eluding the cops I become disapointed. Instead of being blessed with something good going on I am forced to watch a replay of a Toronto base hit or nice defensive play. It's damn tiring getting ones hopes up only to see fail.

Damn it, Seattle fans!! Beat those pinko commie Canadians into a stupor by fucking out cheering them. Quit being so polite to opposing fans. People are starting to get the wrong idea about us. It's bad enough I have to listen to their goddamn farce of a national anthem before the game. But to be outcheered by these sub-human Canucks is more degrading than co-starring in a Rocco Siffridi movie.

2009-07-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

So, I'm trying something new. Mobile blogging!!! Dunno how this'll work but it'll allow me to post any breaking news on the blog while I'm at work. My first post will be quick.

There have been rumors swirling about a possible trade of Jarrod Washburn + parts to Milwaukee for shortstop JJ Hardy + parts.

I like this trade. Perhaps The M's don't receive as much back as they would in the rumored 3 team deal that would send Morrow and Clement to Cleveland, Victor Martinez and (can't recall who else) to Tampa, minor league switch hitting short stop Reid Brignac and pitcher Scott Kazmir to Seattle. But they don't give up near the potential of Morrow and Clement.

For my money the M's would be hard pressed to get a much better deal than a year and a half of club control JJ Hardy for half a year of Jarrod Washburn's unsustainable results.

Make it so, Jack Z!!

Well, That About Does It

2009-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

The Mariners were outscored 33-5 while getting swept this series. That fucking sucks! It especially fucking sucks because for the first two games this series The M's faced the two worst pitchers of the Indians rotation and could still barely muster up any offense getting shut out once.

Meanwhile, the Angels refused to lose and have opened a 7 game lead over The M's in the division. The M's had racked up one of the best records in the AL since late May and are two games farther back as payment for their efforts.

Surprisingly I have not come here to bitch. In fact I am rather...ok with the circumstances. I wish The M's coulda stayed in the race for longer but I know it's for the best that they didn't. Much more time stuck in limbo and the M's might not have been buyers nor sellers. At least by falling out of contention now The M's can unload out valuable players for useful parts. A shot to make the playoffs still exists for the M's, for sure. Though it is doubtful that the M's will be able to overcome the obstacles and overtake the Halos. These losses allow Jack Zduriencik and his staff to make the moves necessary to not only build this team for this year but to also make moves that will be good for the club in the future without the fans bitching that he is waving the white flag.

With some solid additions to the big league club that a trade of veteran talent could acquire and a couple tweaks to the roster The M's could almost be more competitive now than they have been. A quality shortstop, a decent bat at catcher, more pop at 3rd and actual production from the DH spot can help get the M's farther than most would have thought possible especially after trading their veteran pitching.

If Veteran pitching does end up going it will be Washburn alone, sadly. Often I had prayed to Jobu to keep Erik Bedard healthy, if only long enough for us to trade him. My prayers and rum were taken with no result. Erik Bedard, after a great start to the season, is headed back to the DL and therefore will not be eligible to trade. Barring a long term signing(not sure if that's a good idea) Bedard will turn out to be one of the worst trades in M's or, hell, MLB history.

Still, Washburn can fetch a nice prize with his sparkly ERA and impressive w-l record. Plus there are other prospects who might be traded, Morrow and Clement, two players whose respective roles on this team have been in question, have been part of may rumors.

All said falling out of contention might have been the best thing possible for the M's to stay in contention as odd as that sounds. A few roster moves and this line up might be better than currently constructed. I have faith in Jack Z. So far he seems to know what he's doing and will do the right thing like Mookie in "Do The Right Thing". In his moves that he has made so far this season he has been damn good and finding quality talent for cheap. Ryan Langerhans and Chris Hannahan have been nice, above average players acquired for next to nothing. Let's see what he does with his moves in dealing "proven" talent for "propect" or "young" talent. My guess is it will kick ass. I mean, the JJ Putz trade has been nothing short of a coup.

Already Z is looking towards the future while still caring about today. Michael Saunders came up yesterday and looks to be the new starting left fielder for the rest of the season. Perhaps Shelton will get more looks at DH and 1st. DH has been a sarlaac pit of suck with Griffey occupying it, young talent might be all that is needed.

So, while I'm bummed that it appears we are not going to make the play-offs, I'm also damn excited about the future of this team not only for the rest of this year but also going forward for 2010 and beyond.

Stuck In The Middle With You

2009-07-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

Since May 27th the M's have gone 30-18, one of the best records in baseball and something I would have sacrificed my first born for at the beginning of the season (I have 4 nieces. I don't need my own kids to screw up when I have my brothers I can screw up with no consequence to me.) And yet despite winning at a pace faster than a meth-head on a cleaning binge The M's have LOST 2 games on the Angels in the division standings.

I have lamented for some time now that I am growing a bit weary of this tease of a season. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that we are even in contention. Especially last year when dreams of contention went tits up after the first month. But still, this Jimmy Cliff like limbo that The M's have themselves waiting in is less than ideal.

The M's have some valuable trade trips in Bedard and Washburn with which they could add quality pieces that could fill holes at a place like SS. But I fear that if Zduriencik were to trade Washburn now, which he really should do, Wash's trade value will never be higher, there will be a large backlash. Smart fans might recognize the trade as a savvy move but the majority of fans would be screaming their heads off. Despite Jack Z's prior successes with trades so far I worry that this fan uprising might put pressure on Lincoln and Armstrong to do something.

Even if L&A stay above the fray and let Zduriencik do his thing I worry that just being so close to contention will force Jack to hold onto his two pitchers. I worry that if The M's hover on the fringes too long they'll lose Bedard and Washburn at the end of the season for almost nothing.

I'm all for staying in contention as long as possible. This will instil in the fans a sense of confidence in the front office and carry over to next season, which is always nice. But goddamn is it ever annoying to see that hard scrabble wins the M's have been accumulating fail to make a dent in the Angels division lead. It feels like The M's blew up on of Cybertron's moons only to see the Angels/Unicron come through it unfazed. To quote Spike Witwicky "It's not even dented!!! Ahhh shit! What're we gonna do now?" Damn good question. I wish I knew

"Ohhh We're Halfway There. Oh-Whoa Livin' On A Prayer!" A Mariners First Half Recap

2009-07-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

The lazy days of summer are my my half-breed ass like bloggers on this whole Erin Andrews Fiasco. As such I haven't posted in a bit. Granted, not a whole lot significant has gone down since I last posted. Erik Bedard and Jarrod Washburn are still with the team. There is no shiny new shortstop on the team nor a load of prospects to scrutinize. I guess Yuni got traded for something more than a bag of ~~horse~~balls. This along with the move of picking up Hanahan for a 3rd base stop gap upgrade and the Lnagerhans for Morse deal show Zduriencik's ability to incrementally add to the team for little expense now or in the future.

Upgrades used to feel like such a zero sum game. Need a 5th starter? Trade your best bullpen arm for Horacio Ramirez. Need a DH? Trade away an oft-injured but damn-useful-when healthy player for a washed up Jose Vidro. Close to contention? Trade the farm for a damn-good pitcher who even at his prime isn't worth what was given up. That the new front office recognizes that +.5 wins here, +.3 wins here and +.75 wins there add up to just the same as a +1.55 upgrade but for much cheaper, is fucking great. It's like the act of cleaning your bong, combined with a new bowl piece and building a make shift ice catch is a lot cheaper than purchasing a new bong altogether.

Anyway, now that we are a little over the halfway point of the season I figured it was a good time to look back on what has been and what might be. As opposed to recapping every player or unit as a whole I will give out awards that highlight various players or units. At 49-43 The M's have been alternatingly great and terrible. They started off the season that made me look prescient when I mentioned the possibility of play-offs before the season started. Then they had a terrible May that made me look like a fool for the exact same statements. But a quality June and July has brought this team back into contention. Now if those damn teams ahead of us would stop winning.

The Beer Goggles award-Jarrod Washburn: Yes this man pitched as one hitter his second to last start and yes he's been one of the more consitent pitchers we've had. Here's the thing, Jarrod Washburn isn't that good and he knows it(check out thought #3). He has benefited from great outfield defense and spacious Safeco Field. His peripheral stats are all in line with his career norms save for a low BABIP(batting average for balls in play) which may rise a bit as the season wears but not too much with this D. So he's pretty much the same pitcher as he's always been. Trade him no for fuck's sake!!

The Private Willian Hudson Award-King Felix: In stark contrast to Jarrod Washburn King Felix has made the leap from damn good when he's on pitcher to a true ace. Opponents cry "Game over, man! Game over" every 5 days. He has finally learned to mix his pitches better to keep hitters off balance and is unafraid to throw his breaking stuff for a strike in any count. If he keeps up this type of work throughout the season the M's might have a Cy Young winner in their midst.

The R. Lee Ermy Award-Rob Johnson and Ronny :(edeño: I was unaware that they stacked shit that high. This award is a tied because both have been attrocious with the bat so far this season. Dave at USSM thinks there is hope for RJ and others feel :(edeño is bound for a major uptick in production.

"That's right, Iccccemaan! I am dangerous!" Award-Franklin Guitierrez: Many saw him as a decent player thrown in the Putz deal. Your average all glove no (bat) love outfielder. After a slow start Frankling Guitirrez has gone on a power surge. With his new found power stroke Gutz has blossomed into a beauty like Allyssa Milano post "Who's the Boss?"

The Moonraker award: Another great pickup by Zduriencik, Russell Branyan has gone apeshit once given regular playing time. Currently he has one less dinger so far this season than his career high. WTF?! While he's been struggling a little as of late, smart minds point out he soon should be hitting balls closer to the moon than Apollo 11 ever did.

"Who are those guys?!"Award- Justin Vargas and Garret Olson: Two more players from the Putz deal. These two have come on like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid in place of fallen starters Carlos Silva and Chris Jakabauskus. These two prove with moderate stuff and great defense much success can be had. The fact that these two have been decent at the end of the rotation makes me higher than Dennis Hopper in "Blue Velvet".

"I'm so gangsta prissy chicks don't wanna fuck with me!" Who else but Ichiro? I'm not sure Seattle fans know just what a special talent they have in Ichiro. Much like people didn't realize for a long time how damn good Jay-Z was. Jay then went on to go make the Kingdom Come album and people realized that the great HOVA was gone. Don't do the same with Ichiro Seattle.

I'm damn tired and my brain is bleeding from the after effects of a crazy weekend. I may add a second part to this post for some of the unmentioned other stars on this damn team. Until then, peace be upon you!!

Perfect Day Ruined By Mariners Game, Larry the Cable Guy

2009-07-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended my second Mariners game of the season and while all the events surrounding the game were fun the game itself was one of the worst M's losses I've ever seen.

Meeting up with my friend Pat, I was crazy excited about going to the M's game. The game I had attended earlier this year I had been with a bunch of friends and co-workers so I didn't get to watch much of the game. This time I was sure to be able to focus on the action all the field. This proved to be my undoing.

Everything was going fine prior to the top of the 9th inning. We had brought in some delicious Tetsu Hellfire ramen for lunch from Samurai noodle that we ate while periodically heckling players. The flask of Crown Royal served to keep us warm in the overcast and drizzly weather.

The game had been fun. Yes, Jason Vargas had been lucky to give up no runs. He had men on in scoring position almost every inning he pitched and that was damn nerve wracking. But somehow he managed to get through it and the M's held on to a 3-0 lead. The ballpark seemed to be kind yesterday as it allowed me to see Jose Lopez hit a dinger out to left field. I've been to many games where the most exciting part is the hydro races. The ballpark also gave me a great driving catch by should-be-all-star Franklin Gutierrez. There was a sense of universal euquilibrium that hung in the air. Another series win seemed imminent. Then the 9th inning happened.

David Aardsma came in to some crazy montage on the big screen and it felt like the game was over. I mean the win expectancy was somewhere in the mid 90's. It's just you never know when that ~5% of failure will strike. Earlier in the season Aardsma's appearances inspired more fear in M's fans than the entirity of the Sinestro Corps. His command had been suspect and the atkins diet of all fastballs seemed to be a portent of looming failure. However, recently Aardsma has cleared up his walking ways and been damn near dominant. I expected him to come in and dominate. How naïve of me.

Out of the gates Aardsma's comman was off, getting behind in the count to the 7-8-9 batters. A fly ball dropped in, then he issued a walk, at which point a line drive single was scorched to the gap in right center. Bases loaded, no one out. Still I remained optimistic. A strike out and a double play could end the inning and the game. That was not to be.

To be clear this wasn't the terrible walk the world Aardsma of earlier in the season. Yes he gave up one walk, but the other two men of base got their via surprising luck. The same luck would be his undoing as the next 6 of 7 balls in play were groundballs, a pitchers friend, an omen of a possible double play. Not for the M's. Adam Jones singled to third base and Chris Woodward not being Adrian Beltre was unable to make a play on the ball and get an out, run in. Then a sure double play ball was hit to Jose Lopez, who picked a terrible time to play like shit. Jose dropped the ball on his was to second for the first out. Still no one out, still bases loaded, 3-2 now. A force out keeps it at 3-2 now with one out. Then a succesful pick off attempt got Aubrey Huff for the second out. A groundball single up the middle scored one more and the game was tied. It very well could have stayed there if not for Jose Lopez again. This time he rushed his throw to first baseman Russel Branyan and skipped the ball to him, still 2 outs.

The entire crowd was in shock. There had been glimmers of hope in that inning and Jose Lopez chased them away. The crowd had been lively before now they sat stunned as if 2girls1cup had been played on the big screen. The inning ended with The M's down 3-5. Little hope remained with Wlad and :(edeno as the first two batters of the inning.

Normally when a team is down in the 9th inning by a managable margin the scoreboard operator puts on some hackneyed montage of inspirational clips from movies like "Rocky", "Hoosiers", or even "Animal House". While not very orginal or fun they at least are not maddeningly offense. That was not the case at this game where a video of LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY(!!!!!) was shown to the crowd teling the M's to "Git r dun". More than anything in the innings prior this pissed me off and saddened me the most. This is what we have come to for inspiration? Racist faux truckers with an insipid catch phrase and a overly managed "every guy" image" are now replacing the cliché but sensbile movie montages? Sweet merciful Zombie Jesus eat my brains now so I no longer have to watch my country devolve into a bunch of morons spouting out tired catchphrases like "Git r dun" and little John's "Hohkaay", as they are fresh and orginal. "Idiocracy" wasn't a great movie but as the days go by it seems more and more prescient.

Wlad and :(edeno made two quick outs as expected, pushing us to the brink. There was a rumbling in the crowd, a feeling that rose up to our superstar and pleaded with him to do something, anything, to keep the game alive. They were saying "Help us Ichiro Suzuki, you're our only hope!"

Ichiro did his best by lining a double into the gap. The crowd came back to life when it was revealed that Griffey was coming up to pinch hit for Chris Woodward. The fans started to clamor as hope filled the void that had been created by Jose Lopez' ineptitude. As much as I wanted to believe that there was something magical that could happen, I just couldn't. I knew better. Everyone around me saw Griffey as he was years ago when he played here, a once in a lifetime talent that could make a pitcher pay for a mistake. I however, saw a sad old man unable to catch up to a low 90's fastball. That sad old man hit a soft roller to second on the first pitch he saw. Game over man, game over.

This was twice in the past two games that the bullpen had fallen apart like a post-Evander Mike Tyson. Many had warned of regression from the pen. It still hurts when those warnings come to pass. Luckily Dave Cameron of USSM says that there may be help on the way. Though until those options come through it is hard to know how many more cock punch game like the last two the bullpen might dole out.

Jarrod Washburn Flirts With Perfection. Perfection Tells Him To Tuck His Sack Back. Wear Some Rouge

2009-07-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

All manner of improbable things have occurred this week for the Mariners. First, they acquired a damn good outfielder, Ryan Langerhans, to replace the injured Endy Chavez for practically nothing. Then, they managed to go 5-4 on a road trip against the best teams in baseball in some parks that should spell death for our pitchers. It was a road trip that the M's could have returned from 2-7 or 3-6 and it would have surprised no one. That they managed to come out with a winning record revived hope that seemed colder than Billy Mays a mere month ago. Then came the return home against a tough pitching match-up against a hot Brad Bergenson and Jarrod Washburn who's results belied his peripheral stats. Not did the M's manage to mount some decent offense against Bergenson but Jarrod Washburn threw a one hitter. The one hit was the only thing keeping Jarrod Washburn from a perfect game.

Part of me is happy he didn't get a perfect game because 1) I wouldn't have been able to see it and 2) Jarrod Washburn has been a miserable acquisition prior to this year, so fuck him and 3)King Felix deserves to throw a no hitter or perfect game before Washburn. However, it would have been a damn cool thing to happen even if I didn't get to see it and I'm not so bitter I wish to take team accomplishments away out of spit for one player. Plus that would have upped his trade status up even more.

Right now the M's need to sell high on Washburn. He is an improved pitcher this year but, like I linked earlier in the post, his recent success is far more luck-based that skill baded. The M's should trade him before th luck starts to trend south. I'm pretty sure team like the Phillies would be willing to give up some pieces to have washburn shore up their injury-riddled rotation. Guys like Jason Vargas, Ryan Rowland-Smith when he comes up from Tacoma, and Garret Olsen provide the same profile of a pitcher with extreme fly-ball tendencies who reled on the outfield defense to make outs. Anything useful the M's could acquire for Washburn might end in public masturbation I'd be so excited.

Same goes for Erik Bedard. Sure he's been great when he's healthy but Bedard and health get along like The Sham-Wow Guy and hookers. Even when healthy it's not as if Bedard has gone deep into games. The best to hope for is for him to string together a few good starts so he can be traded before the deadline.

It's nice to be excited about possible trades to keep us in contention. At this point last year we were 18 games under .500 hundred. To be 4 games over this year and only 3 1/2 out of first means my summer banter can have a qaulity sports tinge to it and not just be about the badassness of the Black Lantern Corps.

NLS Discussion Post: How Much Do An Athlete's Off-Field Activities Color Your View Of Them

2009-07-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

The recent passing of Michael Jackson opened an intense debate among the populace. Namely, how much do Michael's alleged chi-mo ways effect the way we, the public, view his legacy. Do the multiple allegations of banging boys change the fact that he may have been the greatest entertainer of our time?

There were many people with whom I talked in the days following his death who said something along the lines of "Fuck him! I hope he burns in Hell for being a pederast!" They didn't think about him as the King of Pop or his huge influence on pop culture. To them he would be remembered as someone who he diddled kiddies. Nothing else he did during the rest of his life mattered in the least.

Other people I talked to felt like the allegations should have nothing to do with how they view Michael The Entertainer. They felt that all his accomplishments and the body of work over the course of his career stood on its own. That his later legal troubles should be a footnote in the legacy of Michael.

Me, personally, am somewhere in the middle. I don't think it can be overstated his influence on pop culture. Modern R&B artists like Usher, Ne-yo, Chris Brown, et al. owe their entire careers to the work Michael put in all those years ago. Groups from New Edition, a J-5 clone, to N'Sync were built in a mold that the Jackson 5 created years ago. Pop music had never seen such a prolific single artist prior to MJ and more than likely won't see one after.

My childhood memories are filled with memorable Michael Moments. I remember how excited I was when Michael guess starred on my favorite TV, The Simpsons. I remember the video premiere of his epic video "Black or White" on Fox. I still get chills when I see clips from the Super Bowl XXVII halftime show. The way he popped out from under the stage and paused a moment to revel in his awesomeness set a bar for half time shows that I doubt will ever be topped(unless you count the Janet/Justin wardrobe malfuction. But that was awesome in a completely different way).

While I will always hold a special place in my heart for MJ, but there was a certain amount of luster removed from his status by the allegations that he fondled a few children. I don't buy the idea that these charges came from people just looking to cash in. Even in such a litigious nation such as this charges of child molestation aren't filed lightly.

Even with the knowledge that he may very well have gone all Catholic Priest on a few kids in his time, I view Michael's career as a net positive. This is interesting for me because I often hold players' off-field/off-court actions against them. Kobe Bryant might be one of the better players ever but he's an asshole and a alleged rapist. Jim Brown may be an all-time great running back and social justice crusader but he also beat the shit out of his wife and girlfriend. Muhammad Ali, might have been the best boxer to lace up a pair of gloves but from what I read in Ghost of Manilla by Mark Shram he was quite the slandering asshole. I have a hard time separating my hate of Karl Malone and his dirty play from my hate of his being repeated dead beat dad.

Despite my feelings that players actions off the field and their deeds on it should both be considered when discussing how great they are, not everyone agrees. I have a friend who cares not about a player's off field transgressions. He feels that whatever accomplishments a player has should be the only means of judging them. That Michael Jordan's habitual gambling was so crippling that he would cheat a grandma to win has no bearing on Jordan the ball player. The Fade Away speaks for itself.

So what say you, faithful reader, intrepid fellow bloggers? Should be judge a player only on the merits of his game? That is what we tune in or pay to see after all. Or do you feel a player should be responsible for his downtime actions? Do you feel being accused of something like rape should forever be a black mark on the resume of a player? Let me know in the comments section. Or my fellow bloggers on this site, write a response post.

"If Only Someone Had Warned Us The Bullpen Was About To Implode!"

2009-06-30T22:29:00.001-07:00

After a rally the inning prior tied the score at 5-5 and the game feeling winnable again Sean White displayed the pitching ability of his snowboarding namesake. Which is to say, he allowed 3 runs and fucked things up quicker than Artie Lang on Joe Buck's talk show. If only some sage-like person had warned that the high highfalutin ways of our bullpen were about to end. Oh wait, someone did. Armed with this knowledge today's implosion would seem less painful. This is not the case, or at least not for me. I kept hoping that somehow the 'pen could push their regression back just a few more days at which point they would suck all collectively at once before returning to mediocrity. Sadly, this did not happen.

In a battle of highly touted bullpen arms turned struggling starters the M's tried their best to stay with the Yankees. Going into the today the game was predicted to be a death march for the M's. This prediction was due to Brandow Morrow being a extreme right handed fly ball pitcher going against left hand heavy lineup built to take advantage of the short right field porch like Jerramy Stevens on a drunk girl. These factors combined with the fact that even pop up bunts are being blown out for homers in the new stadium made the chances of a close low scoring game about as likely as finding a well adjusted person on reality TV.

In a reversal of expectations Morrow magically managed to give up 2 fly balls compared to 12 ground balls which helped him not have the Yankee's hitters go all Kobe Bryant on him. However, ever struggling with his command, Morrow walked 5 compared to just 4 strike outs. The walks ended up being his undoing and he was pulled after 98 pitches. He limited the lumber of the Yankees to just 3 runs with only one of them coming as earned.

Things look bleak for the rest of the series as the M's run out Washburn, another extreme fly ball pitcher, against Petitte and then another flyballer in Jason Vargas against CC Sabathia for the finale. I'm holding my expectations low and praying to Jobu that the Mariners can manage to come out of the series with at least 1 win. However if things start to fall apart I'm gonna root for some real fail only so that there is an impetus to trade Bedard and Washburn.

In reality, with Beltre gone and Chris Woodward not being the answer, this team needs some serious luck to make it into the playoffs. I know many would see trading two of our better pitchers as punting the season and giving up on '09. In reality this is not the case. With the upgrades in areas like the middle infield could make for a net gain for the pitching loss.

These next few series before the all-star break will prove our mettle. My guess is, though, without key contributors like Beltre and his awesome glove at 3rd this team will start to fall apart. Sad but true.

Well, That Was Unexpected

2009-06-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

Behind the decent pitching of Garret Olson and the bullpen combined with a few timely runs the Mariners managed to escape Chavez Ravine in East LA not only with their wallets and money but also come out 2 wins richer putting them at 3 games over .500 this year. Going into the series I had felt we would be lucky to come out with just one win. It's a damn pleasant feeling to double that prediction.

After getting knocked around like Rihanna in the first game the M's went all Lifetime movie and took the fight back to their abusers. Felix threw 8 innings of 4 hit 1 run(unearned) ball, keeping hitters off balance with his pitch selection. He even threw 8 breaking balls out of his first 20!!! In the past few games Felix has been looking deserving of his title of King, mowing down all opposition. He has come to chew bubblegum and kickass and he is all out of bubblegum!!

The M's offense, while not a juggernaut, has come back from it's comatose state in May and shown some quality power. This is a nice change of pace as there was a stretch where even the shittiest of right handers(Vincente Padilla, Sidney Ponson et al) could make this team look like a bunch of blind little leaguers. There is a comfort from not expecting to be shutout every time this team faces a moderately good right handed pitcher.

This stretch of 7-3 over the last 10 games has all come at a time when this team has had more injuries than a hypochondriac. Outfield defensive specialist Endy Chavez was lost this week when he tore his ACL in a collision with "shortstop" Yuniesky Betancourt. A few games later Betancourt was put on the DL with a hamstring pull or possible tear. Jarrod Washburn has missed time with a back injury and Erik Bedard has been bothered by shoulder inflammation and will hopefully be back on July 5th.

An already injury plagued team was told yesterday that it would lose 3rd baseman Adrian Beltre for 6-8 weeks when he goes in for surgery to clear out bone spurs in his shoulder. There is a lot of speculation on how the team will make up for the production of his combined bat and glove. While the organization has a derth of oufielders and 1b/DH types in the system 3rd base is not a position of depth. To get the most out of Beltre's absence it may take some creative ideas on player positions.

Many people are lobbying for Griffey to take over as the every day left fielder for the team. What people fail to realize is even if Jr didn't have to get 3 liters of fluid drained from his knee every time he sees extensive time out in the field, he is simply not a good defender. Luckily the front office recognizes this and brought in Ryan Lagerhans, whom Dave Cameron lobbied for the team to pick up. Lagerhans isn't quite the defensive wiz that Chavez was,though who is? But he brings more patience and lefty power to a team in desperate need of both.

As the team heads out to the east coast to face the Yankees and Red Sox there looks to be little hope to continue to play so well against top teams. But hell, no one expected them to take 2 of 3 from LA. So maybe with a little energon and a lot of luck they can come out of the road trip above .500. If not, I make a simple request, tank the damn trip and acknowledge that you are now sellers!! We have a lot of attractive and valuable pieces for trade. I'd like to either see us gain a little ground on those ahead of us or just end the suffering all together.

US loses 3-2 To Brazil In Confederation Cup Final. Americans Make Collective Wanking Motion

2009-06-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

After much hype and hope had built up surrounding Team USA's advance into the Confederation Cup final for a rematch with Brazil the end result demonstrated to burgeoning American soccer fans what the rest of the world already knew. The US has a long way to go before being on the same level of the elites of the soccer world

Many pointed to Team USA's victory over #1 ranked Spain to advance to the finals as a a soccer equivalent of the Miracle on Ice minus the cold war implications that made that game so poignant. The truth is to even be allowed to play Spain the US was afforded an absurd amount of luck. After being dismembered by the far superior Brazilian team the US not only needed to defeat Egypt by 3 but needed Brazil to kick the shit out of the Italians by at least 3. Somehow both these improbable events transpired and the US had it's shot at#1 ranked Spanish team.

Many people, because they lack originality, are dubbing Team USA's toppling of soccer powerhouse Spain, "The Miracle on Grass". Personally, I feel that title is more fitting for Michael Phelps. I barely have the motivation to put on pants when I am high and yet he managed to win 8 Gold medals? THAT'S impressive. Anyway, more than skill or tenacity or teamwork or any of the other horseshit the media throws out as the cause of the worst defeat of Spain by the Americans since the Spanish/American War there is only one reason Team USA came away with a 2-0 victory. They were luckier than Longshot holding a four leaf clover with a rabbit's foot shoved up his ass. The US team had all of 2 shots on goal and magically they both went in. Meanwhile, Spain had 11 shots on goal and failed to score worse than me on prom night. So yes, the result was a nice shiny win but the idea that the win was somehow a defining moment that would propel the team on to better things was wrong. You play that game out with the same amount of shots on goal and I bet 9 out of 10 times USA loses.

Truthfully I expected another beat down at the hands of the Brazilians. They do so many things better than us it's not even funny. Better waxing, better women, better movies about street gangs, better plane crashes, you name it they do it better. So it only made sense that their soccer team would be far superior as well. The first time these two teams squared off the disparity between the teams was evident and the US went down 0-4 to Brazil.

This time though the confident US team came out and kicked some Brazilian ass, going into the half up 2-0. Coming out of halftime the Brazil team woke up and realized that they could beat the US team drunk and high. They then proceeded to score 3 goals in the half to win 3-2.

Here in Seattle, where soccer is the new hip thing to like, this years fixed gear bikes, there were people who actually cared about this loss. The rest of the country made a dismissive wanking motion and either went back to watching NASCAR or baseball or drinking heavily, as it should be. Soccer pundits try to pump fear and say that one day America too, like the rest of the world, will bow to almighty deity of soccer. Good thing that'll never happen. Because if I know one thing it is this, Nobody Likes Soccer

M's Continue To Flirt With .500. Heavy Petting Expected Soon

2009-06-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

The M's came into the series against hated rival San Diego their Catholicism looking to pick up a few more wins before they head out on the hellish 9 game road trip that takes them to the home run heaven of the new Yankee Stadium, minuscule Fenway Park, and out to Chavez ravine in East LA. Today was not a good start to the series.

Garret Olson showed why he is a back end rotation starter/long reliever by taking the M's Win Expectancy down below 10% before handing the game over to Roy Corcoran to add another 3 runs to the Padres lead. Corcoran has been less than stellar in his small amount(10 2/3 innings) so far this year. His line drive percentage is at 27% compared to last years 10.2%. Combine that and a walk rate of 10.13BB/9 innings and you got a dealy mixture like Codeine and Promethazine. Hopefully as he gets healthy he'll start pitching better, until then I'd like to not have him in while the game is at all still in question.

The M's decided to show itself later in the game with both Griffey and Branyan homering do satisfy the crowd with requisite dingers to keep them distracted from the loss. Griffey's homer was the 5,000th HR in M's history. Rather fitting he be the one to hit it.

Scoring 7 runs and only losing by 2 stings like a mofo. Many fans will blame Corcoran for not stopping the bleeding by letting the 2 runners he inherited score but then adding 3 earned runs of his own to the mess. In reality Olson put is in the tough spot by giving up so many runs earlier. Over 90% of the time the M's lose that game with just the 4 runs that Olson gave up in his 5+ innings of work.

No matter who was to blame for the runs given up there was no excuse for the M's offense to only awaken once the decidely mediocre Chad Gaudin left the game with the best line of his career. Same old story I suppose. Right handers with a pulse are the M's kryptonite. It's really sad.

Tough loss against a pretty terrible team. We do it again with Morrow starting again(I know WTF?!) and then Washburn to close out the series. Hey M's try to not to lose the series to a terrible Padres team. PLEASE.

Seahawk Fans Must Be Jizzing In Their Pants Right Now

2009-06-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Star wideout for the Denver Broncos, Brandon Marshall, has requested to be traded. Apparently his want for dismissal has something to do with him feeling that the team hasn't been supportive of his recent relationship issues. And by relationship issues I mean his repeated beatings of his girlfriend. Although, I'm sure having his up and coming QB traded away to Chicago for a neckbeard doesn't help matters.

Normally when I player asks to be traded the team feels no obligation to indulge in his wishes(see: Boldin, Anquan). The player is under contract and if they choose not to play they don't get paid. For some reason Bronco's GM Pat Bowlen fails to understand the concept of leverage and will be giving into Marshall's demands.

As I Seahawk fan I have a huge hard-on over this development. And not just the schadenfreude variety, though I do love how they kicked out ol' Leatherface Shanahan and his succesor has managed to fuck things up in the few short months he's been there. But this hard on is one that derives from fantasies of a top 10 pick in next years draft, quite possibly a pick in the top 5.

With Cutler gone and Marshall on his way out this Bronco's team looks like it has the potential to break the lions 0-16 records set last year. Going 0-18 would seem impossible with a 16 game season but with the ineptitude on display from Bronco's leadership anything is possible. The fate of the Bronco's season lies in the DT shaken hands of a drunken neckbeard, a rookie running back, and a piss poor defense. Sam Bradford here we come!!!

I have to give McDaniels credit for such a Machiavellian scheme of ineptitude. He truly is the brightest of all Belichek's pupils. Crennel, Weis, Mangini, they all took years to ruin their respective franchises and and alienate themselves to their fan bases. McDaniels, ever the wünderkind, has managed to surpass his predecessors in mere months. Papa Belichek must be so proud, y'know, if he wasn't really Ultron in disguise and actually felt emotion.

Right now the idea of two first round picks(one possibly top 5) in a loaded draft next year has me riding a wave of euphoria similar to what David Carradine must have felt in his final moments. The return to respectability in the NW is coming about sooner than expected.

This whole debacle make me happy for many reasons but among them is that this clip is relevant again.

In America, First You Get The Money, Then You Get The Power...

2009-06-16T11:35:00.000-07:00

Donte Stallworth is a lucky son of a bitch. He was given his sentencing today, a little over 3 months after the Cleveland Browns wide receiver was arrested for vehicular manslaughter and DUI after mowing down a pedestrian like he was living out "Death Race 2000". The results, in my mind, further the idea that the OJ trial was much less about race and much more about money. I feel that in today's society people like OJ, Paris, or Donte aren't getting off because of race or celebrity, they are getting off because they are rich as fuck.

At the time of his arrest, given the witness reports and his .126 blood alcohol level, it seemed a forgone conclusion that Stallworth would be serving a LONG time in the pen. The normal sentence for non multi-millionaires for this crime is a decade and a half stint on the big house. Donte Stallworth received 30 days in jail. Granted he also is under house-arrest for two years, has to complete 1000 hours of community service and in on probation for 8 years. But compared to 15 in the slammer all that is a slap on the wrist. Plus he'll only do 2/3rds of the time if he's a good boy.

His ability to escape what seemed to be certain hard time in the pen is a feat more impressive than David Blane freezing himself in a block of ice. Though, unlike Blane's trick one does not need any sort of experience to get themselves out of such situations. All you need is a healthy amount of cash money.

The exact terms of Stallworth's plea agreement that allowed him to catch the bullet of prison time like Ozymandias are unknown. What is known is it must have been a fuck ton of money to be able to convince the court system to drop a sentence from 15 years to 30 days.

In his ability to get off relatively free, Donte Stallworth exposed something that is known to anybody who has ever gone through the court system, you get what you pair for. It doesn't matter what you do murder your ex-wife, drive drunk, kill someone while driving drunk, rape somebody, all you need is a lotta cheese and you are off like Mister Miracle, Scott Free. Money is power, like you needed me to remind you.

Look at Leonard Little, whose case is eerily similar to that of Stallworth's. In 1998 he was driving home hammered when he ran into Susan Gutweiler, mother of one, killing her. For his actions he received 90 days in jail, 4 years of probation and 1000 hours of community service. As if that wasn't bad enough in 2004 Leornard was pulled over for speeding when the cops noticed he had bloodshot and watery eyes, and reeked of booze. After failing three field sobriety tests he was hauled in for DUI and speeding. This would seem like a clear cut case and that Little was going to be going away for a long time. But Leonard's copious piles of cash had other plans. He got off with just a speeding charge.

So while many people are rightfully outraged about this whole thing, they seem to lose sight of the fact that Donte is merely living out the American dream. You can have the best of anything if you are willing to pay for it, here in America. Legal counsel is no different. So try not to act too surprised the next time some athlete/celebrity type gets off with minimal consequences after paying more than the GDP of a small banana republic. That's the American way.

Rocky Mountain Lowe Colorado

2009-06-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

After a solid stretch of baseball got them back to .500 the M's hiked up the Rocky Mountains to face their first interleague opponent on their home turf and their National League rules, The Colorado Rockies. The Rockies were better than their record suggested and were on an 8 game winning streak coming into the series against the M's. There was hope that this could be there series that could move the M's from being tied with Anaheim to making a serious push for first. Of course it's the Mariners so that didn't happen.

Jarrod Washburn fell apart as the first game progressed, and after some early offensive explosions the M's bats went dormant. The Next game Marked a new Lowe point(get it? genius I know) for a bullpen rife with low moments so far this year. On a single on the third base side of the mound by Troy Tulowitzki Lowe Picked up the ball and had a chance to get the runner out. Instead his throw was as off target as a Glenn Beck rant, sailing wide right and allowing Tulowitzki to advance to second. Next batter put down a bunt and Lowe tried to get cute and throw out the lead runner at third. Instead he showed off his poor command throwing the ball on the foul side of third base causing Beltre to have to wheel around and make the tag to no avail. The next batter lined in a run and then Lowe walked two more batters to load the basses. The damage was mitigated by a sac fly and a ground out. By then though the final nail had been hammered in. The 2 runs scored that inning ended up being too much for the M's to overcome.

Then just today the offense seemed to disapear and again the starting pitching fell apart late giving up 5 runs the inning before heavy rains caused the game to be called. It was not the way anyone wanted to end the series.

Now the M's are back to 3 games under .500 and being generally annoying. They can't seem to decide if the want to be a good team and make a push for contending or if they wanna be mediorce and be seller at the trade deadline. A few weeks ago I had written off this team to be sold off piece by valuable piece. Then they had to go on this run that brought them a tie with the Angels at .500 and all I could think was "So you're saying there's a chance!!" Now this terrible stretch of three games has made me wonder what the hell is going on.

Damn it, M's I need stability in my life right now. You can't keep reentering into my life just when I've made my peace with you for the season only to have you walk out on me right when I start to truly believe we have something going. It's not right. I wish I could quit you.

Montana to Washington

2009-06-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

I had meant to write about Skyline QB Jake Heaps choosing BYU over local school UW. This seemed like a big blow, not necesairly because he was an irreplacable talent but because Coach Sarkisian was making a strong push to keep all the top in-state talent to stay home and play at UW. Getting Jake heaps to commit to UW would have bee a great recruiting tool for the rest on the in-state players.

The ghosts of incompetence from the last regime haunted this commitment from the get go. Ty failed to start recruiting of Heaps in any sort of timely manner especially considering how many other schools wanted him. Ty probably felt that similar to courting a girl you don't let 'em know how much you want them and by doing this she will fall over herself trying to be with you. Sadly, this style of recruiting does not work these days when colleges proposition recruits like they are Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal. UW's lack of interest led the school of Magic Pants(BYU) to do some heavy recruiting using religion as the main point of interest.

When Sarkisian came on as Head Coach one of his first acts was to get into contact with Heaps and his family in attempt to make up for lost time. It turned out to be too little to late. BYU had planted its insidious seed in young Jake's mind. I was crushed.

But now there is word that Nick Montana has given his verbal commitment to UW. Montana, does that last name sound familiar? That's because he's the son of fucking football legend Joe Montana. OH FUCKING YEAH! Now, I don't know a whole lot about Nick, but I have heard he may possibly be a better QB prospect than Heaps. That Heaps may be farther along, but Nick is more athletic and taller and has the tools to be the better QB.

Another thing, how bad ass will it be to have Joe Montana in the stand on Saturdays? This program has needed a boost in vitality and a raise in profile. Adding Nick Montana could very well do this.

So, all in all it sounds like that by losing out on Jake Heaps may have been a better thing than getting him. I'm getting excited as more and more recruits commit to UW. Sark seems to have recruiting down and his development of QB's speaks for itself. If he continues racking up quality recruits the future will look pretty damn bright.

In WTF News: Rashard Lewis and His Giant Vagina Bring First Finals Victory

2009-06-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Back in 1995 there was much optimism in Orlando. The Shaq and Penny duo had led the Magic to the first NBA Finals in the short history of the franchise against the streaking Houston Rockets. Having the best record in the league that year a championship seemed almost assured against an aging Olajuwon and Drexler combo. Little did the Magic know that going to into halftime of game one up by more than 20 points was the closest they would get to winning a game that Finals. Hakeem used the dream shake to get past Shaq and Penny to a series sweep.

Now some 14 years later, after a tough overtime loss against the Lake Show in game 2 in which Rashard Lewis stepped up and had a monster game with 34 points 11 rebounds and 7 assists, it seemed that another sweep might be imminent for the Magic.

But Rashard and his flapping vag had other ideas. Not to be kept for the pleasures of winning after such an uncharacteristic show of testicular fortitude Rashard Lewis' vagina must have made a speech to the team. That is the only explanation for the Magic coming out and shooting a finals record 75% for the first half and 62.5% for the game.

Rashard and his gash stepped up again scoring 21 with 5 rebounds and 5 assists and helped lead the Magic to their first Finals victory in franchise history. Not even Kobytch's normal attempts at heroics aka forced shot after forced shot could save the Lakers from defeat.

I don't know what to make of this interesting turn of events. Especially as it comes mere days after discussing what a little girl Rashard is. Apparently I should have called him out as a terrible waste of talent earlier in the season. Perhaps then he wouldn't have silently murdered my fantasy basketball team as it slept with his ineptitude.

Truthfully, Rashard's play only further proves my point. During these last two games Rashard has shown the diverse skillset that got him a max contract two years ago. He's taken people off the dribble, posted up, passed the ball well, and even decided that a manicure is a small price to pay for the glory of grabbing rebounds. If Rashard played like this all the time the Magic would consistantly be one of the elite teams in the league. Instead he acts like a gay guy in a strip club, hanging out on the perimeter and the Magic struggle against teams like L.A.

Anyway, kudos to you and your lovely vagina Rashard Lewis. Way to bring the first Finals win back to Epcott Center. It'll fit in nicely with the Mickey Mouse Ears and 3d glasses from universal studios.

One less Ivory Backscratcher for Lebron

2009-06-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

Lebron James learned that the media's right to ask inane post-game questions will not be obstructed for any reason. Especially not because he was in a bad mood after a crushing loss to the Magic that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs. To do so is tantamount to not giving David Stern a reach around when visiting his office. The consequences of such a slap in the face will be harsh indeed.

$25,000 was the sum of the punishment meted out by Herr Stern to show that blowing off the media will not be tolerated. Let this act as a deterrent to all the rest of you primadonnas who think they are too big for the media.

While $25,000 might mean one less ivory backscratcher for Lebron, nonetheless it is a ridiculously large amount for merely failing to acknowledge the media. It's not as if some deep insight about Lebron was going to be gained by having him answer a bunch of stock questions. The questions would probably be along the lines of "How do you feel about coming up short in the conference championships again?" and what is he going to really say to that? "Well, if I had any sort of talent outside of myself on this team maybe I could do something. But when the second best scoring option on the team is Big Z I'm kinda limited, y'know? Give me the talent they got on the Lakers and I win 80 games easy!" Fuck no! And even if he did that's not the kind of honest answer the media wants. They want easily digestible bullshit like "It's disapointing to work so hard and come up just short. I'll continue to work hard this summer and be prepared to make another run next fall."

I understand Lebron's decision not to talk with the media. What I don't understand is David Stern felt the need to make this into a public recrimination. The fine almost seems to be saying "You were a bad boy, now give back part of your allowance."

I hate David Stern for many reasons. His part in stealing the Sonics from Seattle, his enforcing of a new dress code to "clean up" the NBA's image, to the cracking down on hard fouls and giving out bs fines for said fouls. Add this to the list of reasons to hate Stern, putting media access before the feeling of his players. Fuck you, Stern.

NBA Finals Kobytch vs. Rashard Lewis' Flapping Vagina

2009-06-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence. The M's kept losing despite my attention so I stopped blogging in protest. Plus the whole school and getting laid aspect.

What could draw this intrepid blogger out of his mouse hole where he'd been hiding from societies pressure like something out of a Dostoevsky novel? The goddamn NBA Finals that's fucking what!!!

The sporting world cried one large collective tear after the Magic eliminated Lebron from the playoffs. Gone was the a once in a lifetime oppurtunity. Two athletes at their absolute apexes of marketing. Yes, the world was saddened because there would be no live action recreation of the duo's terribly annoying commercials. There would be no muppet Lebron hollering like an idiot, clapping his hands and covering the room in ~~cocaine~~ baby powder. No muppet Kobe raping muppet neighbors.

The lack of muppet rape doesn't mean this can't be a fun series. Far from it. Instead of rooting for great performances we as fans can send our hate to whomever we choose. For me that will be Kobe and Rashard Lewis' winged gash.

Kobe hate is understandable. There isn't a thing that man does these days that doesn't feel scripted. Plus I'm upset at him for elbowing Ron Ron in the throat. You don't do that to Ron Ron. He saw a kid stabbed through the chest with a chair leg. What've you seen, Kobe? The Mail Man's delivery running down the inside your wife's thigh?

Rashard Lewis is a bit more complicated, though my prior description should give some insight. I hate Rashard Lewis because he has no testicles. Instead he has a giant flapping twat. Rashard is getting paid maximum money to hang around on the perimeter and shoot threes. In the Cavs series he didn't even do that well, outside of his "clutch" shot in game 5 and his 18 point outburst in game 6.

Rashard Lewis has the skills to match his contract. At 6'10" he can post up most small forwards, from there he can either take them off the dribble or shoot over them. He should be an incredible mis-match with his ability to shoot and decent handle. Instead he proves an easy cover. His man just has to shadow him around the 3 point line and keep a hand in his face to rattle him. Or just kick his big toe if you want to keep him out of the entire series.

Rahard's softness keeps him at least 25 feet from the basket it also precludes him from even thinking of grabbing a rebound. He might break a nail trying to snag a board. Manicures aren't cheap, y'know.

For being a lanky motherfucker with decent athleticism Rashard is a terrible defender. Not so much by skill but by effort. Rashard would much rather rub his engorged clit with 8 guage sandpaper than work up a sweat by playing D. Whoever his ostensible assignment will have break out series. I can guarentee that.

So, as I've outline above this is an seminal moment in hate. Not since San Antonio was winning championships has there been such an oppurtunity to unleash the bitterness on super athletic multimillionaires. Jesus couldn't bother to give me more than a 12" vertical? Well then I will root for his finest works of athleticism to fail miserably. I can hardly wait.

Dreams of Contention Have Been Morrow'nd

2009-05-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

Fag!

Were you aware that dia-bee-tuhs is the #1 cause of suckitis in the US? No? Well, then you must not have been paying attention to the last two Mariners games. Morrow, the M's young diabetic closer, entered both those games hoping to earn a save and keep hope for contention alive. Instead he decided to kick the chances at hope square in the balls and then urninate all over them. Last night given a 1 run lead to work with Morrow promptly gave up 2 runs for the loss. Today he was given a 2 run lead and gave up 3. Note to Mariners, Brandon hates being given things.

As painful as these past two games have been to experience there should be no real surprise in the outcome. Morrow has always struggled to throw strikes like Pookie with crack in "New Jack City". This year the problem has risen to new levels. Not helping things is Morrow's desire to throw only one pitch, the fastball.

Morrow used to have breaking stuff. Sexy breaking stuff. Breaking stuff that combined with his gas made him a damn fun pitcher to watch and an even tougher one to hit. Then he got a taste for the closing. The M's tried to work the buttplug into Morrow to stretch him out for starting duty but the damage was done. Like a pitbull that has tasted child flesh Morrow was hooked. Closing was all he thought about. The trade of JJ Putz allowed Morrow to give a bunch of bullshit reasons about his health to get back to his coveted closers role. Once a closer again Morrow forgot all about his breaking stuff and became fastball obsessed. That is why the M's are 16-19.

I can understand falling in love with the fastball, especially when you can throw it at 99mph. That's like having a sex cannon for an arm. There's nothing not fun about that. But just like real life it can't be sex all the time. You gotta mix things up, keep people on their toes. At this Morrow has failed. In his mind if he misses with a fastball he thinks to himself "Just throw the next one harder." Occasionally, against inferior hitters, this strategy has worked. The Rangers are far from inferior hitters. They feast on fastballs. Even if they are thrown at 99mph.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. Perhaps forcing Brandon Morrow to play russian roulette as an example to his teammates. Maybe a good flogging. Hell, making him go Tony Montanna on a pile of pixie sticks would also work. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is this rollercoaster of a season sucks so far.

I could handle if the M's had been playing around .500 ball all season and had dropped a few more than they had won. But going 15-10 got me all excited. Now I have MLB blue balls, not fun.

In closing let me eloquently express my dissatisfaction with the course of events so far this season. GODDAMN IT! WHY MUST YOU MAKE A FOOL OF ME YOU HARLOTS? I STOOD BY YOU WHEN EVERYONE SAID YOU WERE NO GOOD AND THIS IS THE GODDAMN THANKS I GET? FUCK YOU!!!!

Please play better.

Ok, You Guys Have My Attention. Now, Stop It!!!

2009-05-14T00:10:00.001-07:00

"I'm not dead yet!" "We'll see about that!"

The Mariners managed to find a new way to lose today, as the rest of the division won their games. I have admit, I'm afraid I may be behind this disastrous collapse that has seen the M's go from 15-10 to 16-18. My negligence has caused this team to falter.

You see, before the season started I extolled the virtues of the new look M's to anyone who would listen. I told them our new GM knew what the fuck he was doing and that, while certain players leftover from the old regime hamstrung his ability to compile an optimal roster, he had built a team that could compete today that also was not in the hole to anyone in the future. Once the season started and The M's started winning I listened to every game on the radio or caught an occasional game on the TV. I blogged the hell out of this team to start the season. I told my readers that there was every reason to be optimistic. Then, like a parent lets go of their child and the bike as momentum takes over, I stopped paying as much attention to the team.

I figured I could trust the team to do well without me as I focused on school and getting laid. How selfish of me. To attract my attention again The M's knew all they'd have to do is revert to what had me watching them the past few years. If they played terribly I would come back. It's just like when a child holds its breath to get a parents attention or that psycho girl you're dating who threatens to hurt herself if you leave. I know in both cases ignoring the problem normally causes it to go away. And when Erik Bedard broke the losing streak two games ago I thought my plan had worked. Little did I know.

Truthfully I'm rather glad I haven't been able to watch this team implode. Just listening to Dave Neihaus describe two straight batters take a walk from a pitcher struggling with his command and then hear him tell me that Yuniesky Betancourt swung into a double play on the first pitch is maddening enough. I can't imagine seeing the pitch location would do anything but infuriate me more. Same goes with Felix starting off the game with 25 of 27 pitches being fastballs. I think I would punch something if I had to witness one of the many casual errors commited by Yuni or Lopez. I might have gouged out my eyes Oepdipus style if I had to witness this teams offense get dismembered by the Unicron of terrible right-handed groundball pitchers like Vincente Padilla, Bartolo Colon, Scott Feldman and others.

I believed contention this year, damn it! I don't buy into the idea that these are our Mariners and they will always be hapless losers. I won't be a shell-shocked fan constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I believe in what Zduriencik is building with this team. But damn if this skid isn't awfully familiar.

This extended slide has put us in a very precarious situation. If one was a terrible writer really reaching for an analogy they might compare this to hanging off a cliff from a vine with a tiger above and a tiger below. But that's some wussy arsty fartsy bullshit we here at NLS won't stand for. 3 1/2 games out isn't a terrible amount to be out this early in the season. At the same time the premise of contention for the M's this year was to grab the division lead and never let go. Just like the offense this team is not built to come from behind.

No one wants to admit this team's season is done before June. But the sad reality is it very well might be. Even if the season is not over yet Zdruriencik faces the uneviable decision of whether or not to become a tenement finisher and gut this team of all or most of it's valuable pieces. This move would be tantamount to waving a white flag and declaring the season dead. The casual fan would hate it if this were to happen but smart fans know that the M's farm system is more of a barren wasteland than Super-Nanny's womb and top flight prospects would help ensure this team could remain competitive years from now. Selling off players like Bedard, Washburn, Beltre and maybe even Felix or Ichiro would be a necesary evil like taking the fat girl home so yer buddy can bang her hot friend.

These next few games will be hyper-critical in determining the M's fate for the rest of the year. If I pay attention will they stop making idle threats and no longer hurt themselves or will I regret the decision when I watch them unravel. Only one way to find out. Ok, Mariners, I'll play your little game now quite fucking around and win something!!!!

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

2009-05-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

She just didn't tell me they'd suck this hard.

The Mariners managed squeaked out a series win over the weekend against the A's bringing hope to their fans. Going into their series with Texas sweep looked very possible. The 1-2 punch of Felix and Bedard was set the shut down the always high powered Texas offense when cruel fate stepped in.

Felix came down with a mean case of the ~~swine~~ flu and was not himself last night. Not himself in the sense that he was throwing a large amount of breaking balls and k'ing Texans like he was the second coming of Santa Anna. Keeping with my Alamo simile, just as Santa Anna killed many Texans he also stretched himself too thin and the army took a heavy toll, Felix k'ed many batters but when a Ranger did manage to make contact the ball left the park. Felix may never throw a breaking ball again after this terrible outing. That he won't is a travesty because those are his best pitches.

Today Erik Bedard took the mound to face the Rangers. He had hoped to pitch well and help the team out of the park early for some ~~arbitrary drinking day~~ Cinco De Mayo festivities. Pitch well he did, giving up only 1 run through seven innings. Too bad for him the run support failed to show up. Vincente Padilla sent out a notice to the M's bat's telling them the game had been canceled and that there was a team meeting at Peso's instead.

The fact that the offense struggled against a RHP is nothing new. Dave over at USSM wrote an article a few days ago talking about this glaring weakness. The gist of the post was that the M's need power left hand bats like David Hasslehoff needs rehab. Without anyone in the line-up to make RHPs worry fans will see many more games like these even against terrible pitchers like Padilla. As Dave pointed out

You know how I keep harping on the roster being too right-handed and how it’s costing us wins?

Padilla, career vs RHB: .241/.300/.370
Padilla, career vs LHB: .299/.381/.484

The Mariners are starting seven right-handed bats and two left-handed bats today

There is one in-house option that could possibly destroy the foul beast of RHP like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. His name is Jeff Clement. Many people, including I, lamented Clement's demotion at the beginning of the season. Few foresaw the lack of a daily dose of Jeff in the line-up would be the factor that would cause the center not to hold. Yet here The M's stand defeated after being 1(!!!!!!!) hit against a very pedestrian Vincente Padilla.

There is no good reason for Clement to languish in the purgatory of AAA. His defense can't be any worse than that of Rob Johnson. His bat, however, would be a YUGE upgrade. Even if Clement continued to move like a retarded rhino behind the plate his bat would more than make up the difference. I know Jeff has done some unknown and unforgivable sin but now is not the time to hold a grudge, Zduriencik.

M's fans will have to sit through many more games like the one today if some action is not taken to remedy the lack of lefties on the roster. I for one would like not to endure such punishment. Can we please have the shiny new toy of a power LH bat? We needs it so bad!

Why Losing Leroy Hill is Not as Bad as People Think

2009-04-26T23:53:00.000-07:00

The Seahawks have taken the franchise tag off of Leroy Hill making him a free-agent. Since this announcement many fans have been losing their proverbial shit. They seem to be under the impression that losing Leroy Hill would be akin to when Hutch decided to leave Seattle. This is simply not the case.

First, it's not even certain that Leroy is gone. There is a real possibility that he could test the free agent waters and come back to a reasonable deal with Seattle. His value is about as low as it could be right now. All teams that needed a linebacker have filled that need through free agency or the draft so the market for Hill is limited. Of the teams that do want him I'm not sure how many are going to a) be contenders and b)offer him the kind of money he wants. But supposing a deal doesn't happen I don't believe fans need to be too concerned and here's why:

-Hill can competently replaced by a linebacker platoon. DD Lewis can play most downs and be subbed out in obvious run situations or more pass rush is needed. David Hawthorne showed flashes in limited action and could be the thumper half of the platoon. Will Herring might not be a bad choice either.

-Given that the Seahawks are moving to a more Tampa 2 style of defense Hill's abilities might not fit what The Seahawks are trying to do defensively scheme-wise. I love the way Hill gets after the ball carrier and blitzes but that maybe required less next year and the price Hill would want wouldn't be justified for what we are asking him to do.

-Aaron Curry has the tools to be even better than Hill. This is projecting a little bit but I think many experts would agree that Curry has better tools with which to work to become a helluva linebacker. Curry posses better coverage skills, better ability to track the ball down downfield not just in the backfield, Curry should be almost as adept as Hill and attacking the blocker and getting to the ball carrier, and with Curry's athleticism it would not surprise me if he doesn't turn into a pretty damn good pass rusher.

-It's not financially viable to have that much money tied up in one position. That was part of the reason we got rid of Julian Peterson his hit against the cap hindered the ability to sign free agents. A perfect example of this type of situation is the Chicago Bears. Lance Briggs whined like a little girl missing her teddy and got a huge new deal. But Brian Urlacher, feeling like he'd been putting in work longer and harder than Briggs, wanted a new deal as well. Chicago doesn't have the money to pay both what they feel they are worth. It's a shitty situation and best to avoid it if at all possible.

-Great Linebackers are helped to be that way by their d-line. Look at Ray Lewis. In Stabby's Superbowl days he had a pair of monstrous lard-asses keeping him clean from blockers in Sam Adams and Tony Siragusa. He suffered a decline in production until Haloti Ngata was drafted and now he has enjoyed a resurgence. Urlacher became elite and helped that team to the Superbowl only after Tommy Harris was added. In 2007 The Packers Linebackers were great at hitting the ball carriers like they were Rihanna, when their line was playing great. In 2008 when the line fell apart the Linebackers looked less threatening than Uppum from "Saving Private Ryan". Antonio Pierce and Kawika were nobodies until Justin Tuck, Michael Strahan, Osi Umenyiora, and Fred Robbins dominated the opponents line.

-A good defense does not need great LB's. Take Philly for example. That team has ran out whiteys like Mark Simoneau, Chris Gocong and Stewart Bradley on a regular basis and still managed to be a damn good defense. This is because brings enough pressure to crush the Beyonder and he doesn't need his LB's to be great.

-If another team was to go and sign Hill The Seahawks will receive a 3rd round compensatory pick. Wikipedia on compensatory picks:

In addition to the 32 picks in each round, there are a total of 32 picks awarded at the ends of Rounds 3 through 7. These picks, known as "compensatory picks," are awarded to teams that have lost more qualifying free agents than they gained the previous year in free agency. ...the placement of the picks is determined by a proprietary formula based on the player's salary, playing time, and postseason honors with his new team, with salary being the primary factor. So, for example, a team that lost a linebacker who signed for $2.5 million per year in free agency might get a sixth-round compensatory pick, while a team that lost a wide receiver who signed for $5 million per year might receive a fourth-round pick.

-Lastly the Seahawks save a ton of very precious cap room if they don't sign Hill. Having cap room effectively allow the Seahawks more freedom during free-agency as well as being able to resign their own player. Given that it is highly likely we have a top 10 pick next year-SUCK IT BRONCOS! DIE DIE DIE!!!-that extra cap space could help sign the QB of the future for this franchise.

Losing Leroy Hill this season may not be optimal and it also very well might upset some fans. I don't share this concern. I think that for the reasons I listed above this club could lose Hill and still be just as good as if he was on the roster. So worry not Seahawks faithful for the fear you feel, this too shall pass.

Fear and Loathing at the NFL Draft part II

2009-04-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

More random thoughts from the first day of the draft.

Someone needs to round up Hugh Jackman and Anthony Hopkins to go on a mission into the heart of Raidervania and put a stake through Al Davis' heart. With the #7 overall pick the Raiders selected Darius Heyward-Bey. I liked DHB as a later round semi-sleeper WR, but his amazing 40 times was as good as spilt blood to Count Al. Instead of doing the smart thing and trusting he would be around later in the round The Raiders reached and took DHB as the first WR off the board.

In the second round Count Al, again enamored with the life giving nature of the 40 time, selected Michael Mitchell a safety out of Ohio University. This move prompted astonishment from the commentators. Mike Mayock of NFL network muttered "I had him listed as my 50th best safety!"

The Raiders now have a nice collection of players that are straight line fast but might never make it in the quick cuts, stop and start NFL. The Villagers are getting restless, don't be surprised if they aren't outside Count Al's castle with pitchforks and torches if the season goes south.

The Lions proved that, despite lip service being paid to advanced statistics as a means to move the team out of the incompetent shadow of the old regime, nothing had really changed. Matt Stafford got signed a contract worth $78 million/$42 guaranteed a large raise over what Matt Ryan was signed to last year as the #3 overall pick. Nothing endears a player to the destitute populace of the #1 most dangerous city in America like a hugely exorbitant contract, especially in the midst of a fierce depression.

I thought this was a terrible decision as the holes on defense and the O-Line were setting up a young QB with one target for terible failure. The Lions had the chance to look like geniuses with their second pick. Needing to redeem themselves for the Gosder Cherilus tackle debacle of last year and Michael Oher sitting for them at #20 it seemed like fate gave them a second chance. Instead, The Lions punched fate in the face, grabbed it and forcibly had their way with it. The Lions selected TE Brandon Pettigrew. As nice as a quality tight end is for a young QB, not having their head taken off every play is much nicer.

Scott McDaniel seems to be trying to get himself killed before the season even starts in Denver. After having signed Corell Buckhalter, JJ Arrington, and Lamont Jordan in the off-season the Broncos drafted Knowshon Moreno with the 12th pick. At a time when any number of defensive players could have helped the team, they decided to go with one of the easiest positions to fill. With their next pick they selected someone who seems will be out of place in their defensive scheme. Their next pick was on an undersized corner. And they traded next years first, likely a top 10-15 pick, to the Seahawks.

The Iggles selected Jeremy Maclin from Mizzou. This is interesting because Maclin seems to be Desean Jackson pt. 2. It's funny after never getting McNabb anyone to throw to the got him the same thing two years in a row.

Those are just my thoughts people. I sadly doubt I'll be able to do much of a recap on tomorrow's happenings but we'll see.

Fear and Loathing at the NFL Draft

2009-04-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

I love the NFL Draft. There is something intriguing about grown men in absurd pin-striped suits that fawn over young men in a manner that brings their sexuality into question. I love the draft day trades and maneuvering to gain better draft position. I enjoy the cold comfort of knowing that Count Al Davis will continue to suck the life out of that franchise by reaching terribly to snag a guy based only on his 40 time or how far he can throw a football his knees-God knows how often that scenario comes up in a game. This is the first look the general sporting populace has to see these players before they are stars or Ryan Leaf style epic busts.

Seahawks' drafts under Tim Ruskell are rarely anything exciting but often are quite solid. Using the methodology of taking the most NFL ready players who are contributors both on and off the field the Seahawks keep the bust rate rather low while sacrificing a bit of upside in the name of security. While the draft so far has followed the same model it has been infinitely more fun to watch.

Given the #4 overall pick after a dismal 4-12 season many people expected the 'Hawks to take a true game changer with their first pick. With Matt Stafford off the board to the Lions-Happy Trails Matt. Hope you enjoy living in a bombed out shell of a city- Many, myself included, hoped Tim Ruskell would pick Mark "Dirty" Sanchez, QB out of USC, as the heir apparent to Matt and his bulging disk. A Offensive Tackle was another area in need of upgrade with Walter Jones' status unclear. Instead the Hawks let a lot of people down by taking arguably the best player in the draft Aaron Curry, LB from Wake Forest.

I'll admit, I wasn't thrilled at first. The more I thought about it, the more I liked this pick. Curry is a versatile player and can do anything asked of him. Yes we unloaded Julian Peterson to the Lions to save ourselves his hefty cap hit and because the talent in the LB corps seemed redundant. Adding Curry moves hill to the weakside where he can use his downhill tackling ability to attack the ball carrier and go for sacks. Curry moves to Hill's spot and provides a headiness in coverage Hill never dreamed of possessing. Given Curry's athleticism it would not surprise me at all if he was sent on the blitz occasionally. His skillset is not unlike what we thought we were getting when we traded for Peterson a few years ago, before it was apparent his coverage skills had eroded.

As I said in an earlier post, a domninant LB probably has the least impact of almost any position on the field. That said talent is talent, and many pundits thought Curry could be the first overall pick and was the best player in the draft. Having Curry also gives the Hawks leverage in their negotiations with Hill. Should Hill persist to feel his $36mil/6 year contract is nothing more than a formal cockpunch, the 'Hawks could easily trade him and still have a damn fine LB corps.

The second round held a lot of promise for Seattle as many of the players that could be brought in and have an immediate impact on the team were still on the board. But no amount of promise or expectation could have prepared me for what came next.

Many fans felt Ruskell should have traded out of the #4 pick and accrued more talent later in the first. When he didn't they gnashed their teeth and howled. With the second pick of the day Timmy heard these cries and traded the #37 pick for a 2010 1st rounder to the Denver Broncos who are in full implode mode after the Cutlerfucker fiasco.

Getting next years first rounder is huge. Denver looks to be pretty terrible and didn't help themselves by drafting Knowshon Moreno at #12, taking a 3-4 OLB with #18 even though I'm pretty sure they still run a 4-3, they then traded up to snag an undersized corner with the Seahawks #37. 3-13 isn't out of the realm of possibility given the Broncos' schedule next season. If this turns out the case the Seahawks could be in a damn good position to draft the QB of the future in next years draft that features Sam Bradford and Colt McCoy.

Seattle traded it's 3rd and 4th rounders to get back in the 2nd round and select Max Unger, C Oregon. Unger looks to be the bizarro Chris Spencer. Where Spencer was monstrously stong, crazy athletic and more raw than 2liveCrew lyrics Unger is not going to blow up anybody with his strength, good in space and is a member of football Mensa. In the zone blocking scheme Seattle is moving towards Max Unger looks to be the galvanizing and forceful leader that will convert this unit of disparate parts into a cohesive unit that will open up lanes for our running game. That is an exciting thought.

It seems Ruskell pulled out his philosopher's stone and transmuted a relatively weak draft class into quality functionable pieces of the future. Getting the Broncos #1 draft pick from next year makes the draft a masterpiece, so far.

Why Judging a Pitcher Based on Wins is Fucking Stupid

2009-04-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

Quite often when talking with baseball fans about the subject of pitching and the relative merits of certain pitchers number of wins inevitably comes up. For instance in defending Daisuke Matsuksaka of the Red Sox they'll say "He had 18 wins last season!!!!" while leaving out he played behind a crazy offense, a pretty good defense and had a crazy high and unsustainable strand rate. Another example of this was the defense of signing Jarrod Washburn to contract with double the salary and years of the next closest bidder. People would point at the 18 wins he had the year the Angels won the World Series and say that he was a gamer and "knew how to win". This is a load of horseshit. Jarrod Washburn knows how to win like Kanye West knows humility.

Tonight's game by Erik Bedard is a perfect example of the meaningless nature of wins as ascribed to MLB pitchers. Bedard had another incredibly solid start going 7 innings and while having only had two runs scored against him. His fastball wasn't as deadly as his last start but his curve sure as fuck was. Of the two runs that he "allowed" neither were his fault. The single up the middle by Miguel Cabrera that led to the first run was a function of Yuni playing too far towards 3rd base. The second run scored was due to Ichiro pulling a Dennis Miller analogy with the ball and going far over Rob Johnson's head, allowing the second run to score.

Prior to that the M's had failed to scored runs with a man on 3rd and only one goddamn, twice. First, Junior was unable to get Endy chavez in when his attempt at a sac fly failed to leave the infield and the Beltre grounded out to end the inning. The second came in a similar fashion with Yuni hitting a shallow fly and Jose Lopez, attempting to score on the play, was thrown out at home.

Due to this double edged sword of ineptitude Erik Bedard is now 0-1. Read that again 0 and fucking 1. Despite regaining his dominating form of two years ago, Bedard has only one loss to show for his effort. It wouldn't surprise me if he loses another few games as the season goes on while pitching damn good like he did today.

So you see, a misplayed fucking bloop single, combined with offensive and defensive ineptitude can cause a perfectly winnable game for a pitcher to be hung in his loss column. And yet this wins often are the major key that the average fan points to as a sign of success. Which is why the majority of the sports watching public are fucking idiots. Wake up sheeple! There are better ways to evaluate pitching performance.

6-2? Did Someone Spike My Tea with Shrooms Again?

2009-04-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

It's early in the season still and at times like these it is very easy to overeact to small sample sizes and lose perspective on the season. But 6-2 after a big win over the Angels, HOLY FUCK!!! Not even in my most wild orgasmic fantasy did I envision the M's to start off the year so well. This is exactly what the team needed to prove to the general viewing public that they are as different from the 2008 team as the coach's daughter in Remember the Titans is from 2009 sexpot Hayden Panetierre.

Had the team started out shitty and came home with a losing record not even the Return of The Kid could get most casual fans interested in this season. Instead The M's have been treated to great pitching performances from King Felix and a finally healthy Erik Bedard. Not only that but they've been witnesses of the Death to Flying Things outfield of Franklin Gutierrez and Endy Chavez. With Ichiro coming off the DL this outfield will make defense sexy again. Add in the high-wire act of the bullpen and their always exciting attempts to get out of innings and you have a pretty damn fun team to watch. Which is something no one would ever say about last years team, not even while drunkenly booing the team as per Ichiro's suggestion.

My more recently developed rational/statistical side knows this kind of play isn't sustainable. M's starting pitchers have been stranding a shit ton of runners and at some point the luck is gonna run out and some team is gonna hit us hard when one of our pitchers gets into a bases loaded situation. Same thing with the bullpen. Throwing gas is all well and good but soon a patient team will force the relievers to actually throw strikes and that's when thing get dicey. David Aardsma's battle against Jack Cust to end the finale down in Oakland is the perfect example. Cust, being a fastball hitter, kept fouling off the high heat he was being fed before lining out to Endy Chavez. A little luck the other way and the great play on the ball isn't made and Bedard's beautiful game is wasted.

Meanwhile the primitive f-complex part of my brain is screaming out in sheer joy as we amass early season wins and vanquish our enemies like Vigo the Carpathian. The sight of Griffey taking walks is glorious to me. The unbelievable hot streak Endy Chavez is riding allows me to forget about his inevitable regression to the mean. Listening to Dave describe Carlos Silva pitching and it not be a terribly painful experience is dizzying. It's nice to see my favorite Seattle Sports team do well again.

Even often alleged pessimist DMZ at UssMariner.com points out this heartening factoid

The M’s, at 6-2, have now won 10% of last year’s total. If they go .500 the rest of the way, they’ll finish 83-79, an improvement of 27 games.

I'll buy that for a dollar!

Even if the Mariners eventually regress to their true talent level I'll be happy. This team is fun to watch again. Felix and Bedard are a latter day Riggs and Murtaugh, a pair of lethal weapons, The offense while pretty damn terrible doesn't have that feeling of bleak hopelessness of last season, and the team speed and defense The M's possess ensure that every ball in play is a bit of enjoyable chaos.

Thanks Zduriencik for putting a quality team together after such a shitty 2008 season. Now that's change I can believe in!

Sounders Lose for First Time This Season. I laugh.

2009-04-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

I went to a buddy's house tonight and, before heading to the bar to listen a quality cover band, we finished watching the Sounders FC lose their first game of the year 1-0 to Kansas City. I wonder how many fans will jump off the bandwagon now and adopt the 4-2 M's.

I understand soccer pretty well along with most of it's idiosyncrasies such as stoppage play, yellow and red cards and the general overall strategy of the game. That said I still find it a terribly dull sport. Too little happens over the 90+ minutes of game time to keep my interest.

Too often forays into opposition territory result in nothing of note. Either the ball is stolen away or a weak shot on goal is attempted before the goal keeper clears the ball to the opposite end of the field. Most of the game is spent in the middle ground just trying to get the ball within respectable range to take a shot.

When a team can lose one of its most integral cogs like the goal keeper, as the Sounders did tonight, and only lose on a infrequent type of shot in the waning minutes consider me unimpressed. Imagine if LeBron went down against the Spurs and they put in the 3rd string point guard to run the show, they Cavs'd be done for.

Having watched the heated and yet still not that entertaining rivalries of Chelsea vs. Liverpool and Man U vs Arsenal of the British premiere league I can say one thing with certainty. The MLS is a joke on par with the WNBA. The talent level of most teams is laughable. David Beckham is a celebrity known for his corner kick more than his actual soccer prowess and other than him does the MLS have a single marketable star? Not really, no.

When Casey Keller the Sounders goalkeeper got a red card and was ejected from the game the 3rd string back-up came from Western Washington University. Name one other sport where a mediocre back up from a tiny school can be made to look passable from lack of talent exposing his marginal skills. Sure on occasion a QB comes from nowhere and lights it up but that has to do much more with surrounding talent more than anything. But a quality O-Line, running game and receivers can cover for a shit ton of short comings *cough* Elisha Manning *cough! In soccer the other team may never come down to your side of the field due to craptastic play.

The other thing thast bugs me about MLS is many teams cannot come up with original name. DC United, what two teams combined to create your franchise and thus live up to the name "United"? Real Salt Lake, in Spanish real means royal, what royalty is you team named after? Finally Sounders FC(Football Club), we already have a football team in Seattle they're called the Seahawks not only that but you play in a league called Major League Soccer not Major League Football. Why the fuck do you have an FC in your team name? Come up with real team names that pertain to the home city and the MAYBE I might gain a little respect for the farce of a league you call MLS.

Basically MLS soccer is a boring spectacle than anyone who's had minor playing time at a DII school can play for. On top of that, the league has co-opted names from European Premiere leagues without any context. It is for these reasons I don't care whether the Sounders win or lose. because frankly nobody likes soccer.

Just Look on the Bright Side of Life

2009-04-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

So, yeah, today's game was a hidden turd at the bottom of an otherwise enjoyable cereal. But let us not forget that prior to Diabeetus Boy coming in and failing like Jay Cutler's soaked insulin pump things were looking damn good for the Mariners. It is in this vein that I write this post.

Erik "Girl Parts" Bedard pitched a helluva game. Yes he only went 5+ innings and he gave up three runs that let the Twins back in the game. More than that, he struck out 8 and only issued two walks. Listening to ol' Dave Niehaus on the radio it sounded like The Interview's curve had more bend than Beckham's famous corner kick. If the ump hadn't been calling a ridiculously small strike zone Bedard would have struck out the last man in the 5th and that would have been the end of his night. It didn't and he ended up giving up 2 more runs before he left. M's fans should take solace in the break on his curve and the velocity and movement on his fastball. His stuff tonight was that of the man we gave up so very much for. One of the best pitchers in baseball.

Franklin Gutierrez has been a pleasant surprise as well. Brought in for his terrific defense his hitting prowess was an afterthought. Astute minds like Dave at UssMariner.com thought that Gutierrez had the potential to be the next Mike Cameron. Which means he would be a great defender with a solid bat. So far that looks to be correct, all he needed was a little playing time.

The bullpen was solid tonight. Corcoran pitched two scoreless innings striking out 2 and not allowing a hit. David Aardsma was the beneficiary of the improve outfield defense with some hard hit balls luckily being caught allowing him to go one inning with no damage. Work on that fast ball location there, bud.

There's 160 more games if I get too upset about each one I'll be dead from stress before the year is out. I gotta temper with my anger with what good happened as well, or else chemical abuse happens and that's no good.

The end of today's game sucked, to be sure. But let's remember the lyrics to that great Monty Python song "Life's a piece of shit/When you look at it. So just look on the bright side of life."

Hello Losing My Old Friend. I've Come to Talk to You Again.

2009-04-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well, the Mariners didn't take long to let down their fans in dramatic fashion.

Holding a 5-3 lead going into the bottom of the 9th with newly re-minted Brandon Morrow and his insulin pump coming in to close the game out, 2-0 was looking the M's right in the face. At that point the M's dropped to their knees and blew the hell out of the game.

After cutting down the first two batters like wheat before the scythe Brandon Morrow seemed to forget that the key to pitching is throwing strikes. The next three batters were walked to load the bases. It was at this point I felt my own ulcer start to build. Maybe Ichiro and I can score some black tar together.

Morrow, over his career with the M's, has more command issues than a mute dominatrix. Normally his spotty command is offset by 97mph heat that burns away his blemishes like liquid nitrogen on genital warts. Tonight his lack of command ended up killing him.

Miguel Bastista came in and gave up a high chopper to bring the Twins within one to the first batter. When the game is on the line the pressure can erode a pitchers confidence in his stuff. Miguel Batista doesn't have good stuff to begin with, so when the pressure is on results like tonight's 2-run single it is to be expected.

After the glorious high of last night's win this loss is a real kick in the balls. I need some stability, M's, or we're through.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

Holy Shit! I Just Enjoyed A Baseball Game

2009-04-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

The last time I watched a baseball game, Griffey was still a Mariner.

Since then, I've come to hate it.

Baseball's slow, there are 18 quadrillion games and I can only keep track of so many Hernandezs. Hence the hatred. Except for that one time when a certain friend of mine got baked with me and explained why the Oakland A's always make it to the playoffs. It seemed brilliant for about a half-hour.

Despite my decade-long feud with baseball, I watched the Mariners beat the holy hell out of the Twins tonight and it was great.

Granted, I was cooking dinner and not totally playing attention, but the game seemed to move a lot faster than I remember. I kind of want to watch another game.

It's still not football, or even basketball, but it'll do until the NFL preseason starts.

Full circle. Man, I feel old.

Dominatr(Fel)ix: An Omen for 2009?

2009-04-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, in perhaps what will be my new tradition, I am doing my season preview for the M's after the first game. Because we here at NLS like to do things a little differently. And also because I was too upset last night to post.

If you have been following The M's through the off-season you'll know that GM Jack Zduriencik put together a team that cannot only contend this season and but also has the financial flexibility to make moves to improve in the seasons to follow. This may not seem like much but if you have any knowledge of the Dark Ages of Marinerdom(Aka the Bavasi years)you know this is a very welcome change.

If you just joined us then you are probably wondering who the hell these guys are. In truth they aren't too different than the fictional Cleveland Indians from "Major League" though sadly lacking any felons(if only my dreams of making it to the big leagues panned out). A bunch of relative nobodies who'll more than likely come together and exceed most people's expectation. To familiarize you with the '09 M's I'm gonna do a quick rundown to help you out.

Starting Pitchers:
King Felix
Erik "The Interview" Bedard
Silva
Washburn
RRS

Basically it's Felix and Bedard starring in "Two Aces" and then a ton of ?'s. Silva should be better than last year but it's hard to be worse. Washburn should not throw teammates under the bus, also not suck like a toothless hoo'er. RRS is decent, a likable Australian Washburn with cool glasses. If Felix takes a step foward, mixes things up(which he didn't do that well today) and doesn't go Rocco Siffredi on the fastball and Bedard can keep his girl parts clean we'll have the best 1-2 punch outside of Rocky Bernard.

If you get a couple drinks of regression towards the mean this rotation looks downright fuckable. But reality can knock the beer goggles right off and hopes of greatness can disappear in an instant.

Bullpen:
A bunch of live arms, most of whom have trouble throwing strikes but should still be rather effective. Morrow and his insulin pump are now the closer(that still pains me to type). Last year's #1 draft pick, Josh Fields, will join the club sometime later this summer adding to the BP depth.

Line Up:
C: Johjima
1B: Branyan
2B: Lopez
SS: Betancourt
3B: Beltre
LF: Chavez/Balentien
CF: Gutierrez
RF: Ichiro
DH: Griffey

Nothing too intimidating here and yet it should be a shit ton better than last year's line up. Not giving at-bats to black holes of suck like Vidro, Sexson, and Cairo can only help. If this line-up doesn't give you confidence, that's alright. This line-up doesn't do much for me either. But having and actual DH and 1st base bats is a nice change. That said we're not gonna be the Sox or Yankees with run scoring. This is definitely not our strong suit.

Defense:
This is the area that the 2009 M's are the most different from their '08 mouth breathing breathren. When Ichiro comes back the M's will run out three CF to roam the expansive Safeco outfield. Where last year Raul Ibañez seemed to almost magically push balls away from him through a force field of suck, Endy Chavez will catch damn near anything over the 3rd baseman's head. Sure, on occasion they'll let Griffey out of his DH cage and let him roam left. But for the sake of his and the fans' health he will probably DH far more often than he fields. Also gone is Big Suxy, who despite his freakish frame was an abysmal defensive first baseman.

Defense helps pitching espescially in Safeco field. Flyballers like Washburn and RRS will benefit the most from this paradigm shift. Hell look at the 2001-2003 rotations. Not a true ace in the lot. You had tools like Aaron Sele and John Halama win 15+ games. They never topped those feats. Why due to defense!

Overall:
Solid Pitching, meh Offense, and spectacular defense will be the hallmark of this M's team. Along with most other smart people on the interwebs I'm predicting about 70-80 games and a chance to compete for the AL west which is Terry Schaivo weak. Hopefully my predictions come true and we can put the nightmare 2008 season behind us. If not it'll be another long season spent waiting for the hope of football to save us.

Some fool might ask something like "Well if the Mariners end up sucking and the Sounders FC keeps on winning won't you be forced to accept soccer?" The answer to this fuckwit is a resounding "Get fucked. Nobody likes soccer!"

More Good News For People Who Love Bad News

2009-04-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Seriously, fuck me running!!!! According to sworn enemy of the blog Geoff Baker things done changed. Phillipe Aumont, the M's 2007 #1 draft pick, is now being converted to a full-time reliever. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
This is a terrible idea!!!!! Words fail me to express how terrible of an idea Aumont in the pen really is.

The M's will now have used their last three first round picks on starters in Morrow, Fields, and now Aumont. This is after Zduriencik put together a, probably, passable bullpen out of spare parts. Which is the exact type of thing the A's have been doing for years. Taking FAILED starters and making them bullpen studs and flipping them for picks has been incredibly successful for them. It is an amazing waste of talent to move potential starters to the pen.

This move also really sucks because, unless Zduriencik makes some crazy move or we magically manage to draft Strasburg, our rotation past this year looks Olsen twin thin. Bastista and Washburn are gone. So, most likely is Bedard. That leaves the rotation with Felix, Silva who, despite his girth, only counts as one pitcher and RRS. Which is one good pitcher and two marginal ones. Gone are the innocent days where dreams of Felix, Morrow, Aumont led rotations floated happily through my head. In this post-apocalyptic rotation reality there is no hope, no hope, no hope, no hope at all.

The move shakes my faith in Zduriencik to it's very core. There is no good reason to make Aumont a reliever. NONE! I don't care if there is a chance he may not become a starter. Oh well, let him FUCKING TRY FIRST. If he can't hack starting then have him be a reliever. To just move him to the pen when he's only TWENTY FUCKING YEARS OLD is incredibly short sighted!!!

Let's not leave out Zduriekcik's reasoning on the move.

"We felt that this was a guy, who, if used in a relief role, could be on a real fast-track to the major leagues,'' he said. "And we're talking a real fast track.''

and according to Baker

Zduriencik said that when you look at Aumont's size, most notably his 6-foot-7 height, it lends itself to being a top-of-the-line reliever.

Yes, because he is 6'7" that means he is perfectly suited to come out of the bullpen. WHAT KIND OF TRIG PALIN REASONING IS THAT?!

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm stunned. I can only hope this is some sort of sick joke. This is not the news I was hoping to hear less than 24 hours before the start of the new season. I feel like Brad Pitt at the end of Seven and I just found out Aumont's head is in the box.

Ichiro: Seattle's Newest Superheroin

2009-04-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

So the bad news just keeps rolling in, first Clement to AAA and then Morrow to the pen now it seems Ichiro will now start off the season on the 15-day disabled list due to a bleeding ulcer. I'm not sure what I have done to upset the sports gods, but I will drink heavily in their honor in attempts to make it up.

Not only will Ichiro miss the opening road trip but he'll miss the home opener too. Despite his normally sluggish hitting in April the team could have used him healthy to try to build a lead over the injury ravaged Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim(dumbest team name ever? dumbest team name ever) to start the season. Now M's fans must watch the spectacle of a one legged man(Griffey) attempt to play the outfield. That thought is giving me an ulcer.

Fear not though sports fans. Modern medicine has advanced the treatment of the condition that ended the lives of luminaries like J.R.R Tolkien and James Joyce, to a minor inconvenience. With a little rest the treatment should take care of the ulcer in no time and The M's will have a healthy Ichiro for the rest of the season. The hard part will being convincing Ichiro he needs that rest.

Even if Ichiro decides to push it to come back early and the problem lingers he can always self-medicate. I know Seattle's smack reserves aren't what they once were but he should still manage to score some horse. If he does that Ichiro'll be able to manage the pain of a festering wound inside his stomach.

Hey, it worked for Kurt Cobain!

Tony Bennet Croons in Pullman, No More

2009-03-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

Wazzu Men's Basketball Coach Tony Bennet has been confirmed as the new head coach at the University of Virginia. This comes as a blow to a 'Zu program that had been on the rise the past few years, making it to the NCAA tourney Bennet's first two years and falling just short after going on a late season run this year.

There was a hard-nosed, blue-collar, slow-down defensive style cultivated in Pullman that was a stark contrast to the up-tempo pace of their western counterparts. This ~~boring~~ methodical style may be on the outs now with Bennet's departure. A new coach means installing a new system and getting current players to buy into said system.

Even with quality young players like Klay Thompson and DeAngelo Casto, the retooling of the program will take time. At a time that the Dawgs strong core of young players are preparing for another year in Romar's system and are being bolstered by a strong recruiting class, the Cougs will be playing catch-up.

I could go on about how this move weakens the division; that it is better to have 3 good teams in state not just 2; that a healthy rivalry with WSU can only help the Dawgs. But I will spare you these banal truisms and merely say this: BAHAHAHAHA! Suck it Cougs!!!! That's what you get for blocking funding for Husky Stadium renovation you mouth-breathing, in-bred, Eastern Washington fucks!!! *ahem* I mean to say: Sorry, Cougs. Buck up, the sun will shine on you again.

The timing of this move proves a little questionable for Bennet. Last year at this time he had offers for the head coaching position at both LSU and Indiana. To take Virginia's offering now is just baffling. Which-HAHAHAHAHA! Oh shit, you guys are screwed! HAHAHAHAHA!- must make this move all the more puzzling for Coug fans.

On a more serious note, let this be a lesson to sports fans everywhere. Don't believe the head coach of your favorite sports team when he assures the media and the fans that he'll stick around to build a solid program there. That statement is about as true as the stripper that claims she doesn't do house-calls. Flash enough money and they get amnesia, quick.

Please sweet baby Jesús, don't ever let Romar leave us!!!!

Brutal Youth

2009-03-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Lest Seattle sports fans get to optimistic about the M's chances for Contention '09 the Sports Gods dealt out two harsh tokes today. Faster than you can say "Bill Bavasi" two pillars that the M's had hoped would be part of the core of youth the they would build around for the future were removed from the picture.

First supposed slugging catcher of the future, Jeff Clement, was sent back down to AAA Tacoma. This is no good at all. Clement has already destroyed AAA pitching in his two stints down in Tacoma. Yeah, he didn't exactly pull a Sasha Grey and light the world on fire in his limited time up in the bigs last year. And sure he displayed the grace and footwork of a drunken David Hasselhoff behind the plate this Spring Training when he was fighting for his job. So he's made it hard on himself.

That said, AAA is not the place for him. He has shown he can destroy AAA pitching and and work to his defense can be done at the major league level as a back up. This move destroys his value on two fronts. First if he is no longer considered a catcher by the M's and they hope to move him to a 1B/DH role then his uniqueness as a slugging catcher evaporates. 1B/DH prospects that can mash are a dime a dozen. Second is if other teams know that the M's don't view him as a part of the future then why should they be that interested in giving up much for him? Overall I don't understand this move, which is the first time I've said that in Zduriencik's short tenure.

The next bit of fecal matter to float up in Mariners fans' cereal is the news that Brandon Morrow wants to come out of the bullpen. Brandon Morrow has the stuff to be a solid #2/#3 pitcher. A mid-90's heater, a mean curve and a decent change-up. The fact that he WANTS to come out of the bullpen is pretty damn terrible news. In fact it strikes me a lot like the news that Sunrise Adam's was going to work strictly for Vivid Entertainment. In both instances I am dismayed at the lack of potential filled.

This is not a move I hold against the organization at all. Both Zduriencik and Wakamatsu have sated their desire to have Morrow in the rotation, where his value would be maximized. In the end it was Morrow's decision. Sure they could have held an AK to Morrow's head and made him pitch while screaming "Didi mao!" but I'm not sure how effective that would be. Morrow might slip in to Cutlerfucker levels of sulk and pitch ineffectively just to force their hand.

Morrow gave three reasons for his short-sighted decision to regress to a reliever. The first was he feels his die-uh-beetus would be easier to control coming out of the bullpen and not working as a starter. Though the aforementioned Culterfucker and NBA first round bust Adam Morrison seem to do just fine with it, it's Brandon's call and I gotta respect that.

The second reason offered up was that he feels his arm and body are better suited towards relief. Morrow came down with tightness in his arm during spring training so I feel what he's saying with this reason too. But the last reason really makes my circuits sizzle.

Morrow claims that he feels more comfortable and excited coming out of the pen. Understandable, having some bad-ass metal blaring for entrance music when you enter the game has too be pretty exciting. So too would knowing that the opposing batters have just loosed their bowels in fear of you. Being a closer allows you to throw high 90's heat as often as you want and chicks fucking cream over the heater.

What upsets me is that Brandon should never have been allowed to know that level of arousal. In another instance in which Bill Bavasi's bald headed ghost appears and chuckles, Morrow's tenure in the bullpen was the former GM's idea. Had Morrow been groomed as a starter from day one the M's are not in this predicament.

Now it's not all bad as the shaky M's bullpen gained stability with Morrow penciled in at closer. Recently signed John Fields, last years 1st round draft pick, joins him in the pen. Throw in a bunch of live arms Zduriencik acquired in the off-season and you have a solid group of relievers. It just hurts to have to former 1sr rounders rotting in their. Fuck you, Bavasi.

All in all these two bits of news are not the way fans wanted to start off the season. Hopefully the M's will be able to overcome these set-backs and stay competitive this year. If not it'll be another loooong inebriated summer.

Ichiro and the Autobot Matrix of Leadership

2009-03-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

Too often the American public and the sports media become infatuated with this romanticized ideal of leadership. They clamor for a gruff and weathered player to lead the way. They ache to portray a player as a gritty vet, a John Wayne type who will help the younger players through the trials of a rigorous 162 game season. They want a General Patton type of rousing and epic speech, words that'll get the troops ready to kill. The same type of speeches Ichiro satirizes in his yearly address to the AL All-Star team. There is an expectation on loquacious speeches and wild gesticulations that goes unmet and is unsettling to some.

Ichiro is quite the opposite of the gung-ho leader. He is stoic in his regimented dedication to baseball. There is a singular focus to Ichiro and that is to work to become the best player he can be. The need to to tell Yuniesky Betancourt to go easy on the ho-ho's is absurd to him. In his mind all should be as dedicated to bettering themselves as he is. After all they are all professionals being paid a shit ton of money to play a game. So if Carlos Silva feels like ingesting the entire lunch buffet, table and all, it is not Ichiro's job to tell make sure he gets in the proper cardio to burn of his snack.

When Ichiro seeks to lead by example through his hard work and dedication to his task it is puzzling to those looking for a "win one for the gipper!" speech. "Where is Ichiro's Autobot matrix of leadership", they ask. "And in our darkest hour of the 2008 season why did he not pull it from his chest and light the way to a division title?" They fail to realize, games are won on talent, not leadership.

The 2008 season of The Seattle Mariners was a 50 car pile up, a spectacle so gruesome that I could not tear my eyes away from it. Dreams of competing for the AL West were crushed under the foot of cold reality as The M's were 20 games out by the All-Star break. From the pile-up of the lost season one bloody and battered horse of a topic emerged from the carnage, staggered, collapsed and died in plain view. This was the horse of team chemistry. It was then jumped on and flogged until the end of the season.

As the season decayed in the summer heat, more and more complaints and shots were aimed at the teams best player, Ichiro. He was called a selfish primadonna who cared only about achieving his hallowed stats, team be damned. He was accused of not giving enough effort to win games, not diving for balls, not changing his approach at the plate in key situations to drive in runs and other such bullshit. Essentially he was being called a shitty leader for not somehow magically granting washed-up Richie Sexson access to the fountain of youth. He was chastised because he couldn't lessen the gravitational pull of team fat asses Carlos Silva and Yunieksy Betancourt.

So, imagine the shock when the Japanese team, ostensibly led by Ichiro, went on to win the WBC again. How could this selfish prick, who cared only for himself and was a terrible leader, will his team to victory on a world stage? This was one of the many questions asked to him by, enemy of the blog, Geoff Baker.

Baker was the reporter most responsible for beating the shit out of the dead of horse of team chemistry and stoking the anti-Ichiro fires. It was he who provided anonymous quotes at the end of last season divulging the news about certain players threatening physical harm to Ichiro. And he was the asshole who thought that he could pull that rotting and putrid dead horse and ride it for one last furlong and "allow Ichiro to respond to his detractors".

Ichiro was rather surprised about Bakers line of questioning but answered the queries anyway. Ichiro told Baker that a team leader is not important. Per the WBC team

"I did not think or feel that I wanted to be a leader for the Japan WBC team,'' he said. "And at the end, I was not a leader for the Japan WBC team. And something I'd felt, this thought of mine, became even stronger after playing with this Japanese WBC team, is that to have a leader -- who is a leader? -- that's not important.

"What is, is to try to group together a group of individuals who want to improve themselves for what they do. We're baseball players, so, who want to improve themselves as baseball players and also want to improve themselves as human beings. That's what's important. Although, trying to get a team together and pointing out a leader and saying 'Everybody follow this leader' sounds very easy and like a simple thing to do, if you go with this style, there are manholes.''

With the M's Ichiro told Baker:

"This is major league baseball,'' he said. "We're all professionals here. Is it really at a level where I have to explain to other people what the reasons are that I do some things? We're all professionals. It makes me feel like..that's like the level of a Mom telling a child 'This is why I do things."

These comments agree with my view that leadership in baseball is rather meaningless. A team leader yelling at his teammates to get them pumped up won't allow them to hit the ball any better, or if they do make contact not have it be caught. It won't somehow allow a pitcher to pitch better or really anything else necessary to to win the game. Leadership and chemistry are immaterial bullshit that beat writer feeds readers to justify and outcome e.g. "He showed his leadership by coming through with a clutch hit because he didn't want to let his team down." which sounds better than "His BABIP(batting average for balls in play" had been extremely low lately combined with his career success against lefties meant he was due to get a hit."

The reason the 2008 M's were so terrible was because they were a poorly constructed team without a lot of talent. A portion of the talent that team did possess got old quick and became useless.

The reason, I believe, the 2009 M's will win is because Jack Zduriencik has accrued a good amount of talent not because of intangibles like leadership and team chemistry.

Huskies Lose To Purdue: Seattle Sports Fan Suicide Watch Back In Effect

2009-03-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

The NCAA tournament is a cruel mistress and this time she kicked the Dawgs out of bed with their baby arm still at full mast. Which is to say, the Dawgs were bounced before they were ready.

After a dominant performance against a streaking Mississippi State team in the first round of the tournament The Huskies were looking like the team I thought could have a solid tournament run. In their second round opponent, Purdue, UW was poised to answer the question of which conference was worse, The Big 10 or the Pac-10. The results would move Seattle sports fans a step closer to the edge.

Here's the thing about the match-up against Purdue, they were not your typical #5 seed. A top 20 team most of the season, The Boilermakers slipped down the stretch due to back to back losses stemming from the back injury of their star forward Robbie Hummel. When Hummel finally came back and was healthy the Boilermakers plowed through the Big 10 tournament like Dante Stallworth's Bentley through pedestrians.

While Gonzaga was playing the likes of Akron and Western Kentucky, The Huskies faced their second winner of a conference tournament. Like I said in an earlier post, fuck you very much, NCAA selection committee.

Perhaps I should have added a third key to UW's post-season success which would be "start the game strong". In the near loss to Stanford and aborted comeback attempt vs Arizona State in the Pac-10 tourney the Dawgs came out slow. They managed to pull out a win against Stanford. Against ASU they weren't so lucky.

Facing Purdue to the right to play UConn in the next round, The Huskies came out flatter than Anne Coulter but played with none of the balls she posesses. UW's normally fast up and down pace turned frantic as players threw up shots with a hurried futility. The defense wasn't much better. The few times a Purdue player shot with a hand in their face they cooly knocked it down. All this lead to The Huskies being lucky to be down only 11 at the break. In the end, this deficit was too much to overcome.

The second half dangled the promise of a win so tantalizingly close to Dawg fans' faces we could practically taste it. John Brockman, dormant in the first half, blew up like Mt. St.Helens. He used to his bulk and low post prowess to become an unstoppable force. Isaiah Thomas realized that Purdue didn't have a defender that could hope to guard him on the perimeter and drove to the basket at will. Their combined efforts pulled The Dawgs back within two with seconds left but a couple blocked shots and a missed lay-in later the Huskies hopes were left beaten down like Rihanna on Grammy night. The long and crazy ride of the season had stopped and the fans were left wondering, what's next?

After a pounding a few drinks to numb the pain of the loss I tried to rationalize my feelings. "Well," I told my friends "at the start of this season who woulda thought we woulda made it this far? Cheers to that!" We clinked our plastic cups as we stood on the emptying floor of the casino's viewing area and gulped down our drinks. But the words, despite their truth, rang hollow at that moment. Our team just took us on an emotionally draining journey and we were now coming down from that basketball high. With nothing to pick up our spirits for weeks or maybe even months we could feel ourselves slipping back into Seattle Sports Malaise, dreaming of what could have been. Someone call 911, I think I'm gonna jump.

Ichiro Destroys Korea

2009-03-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

Ichiro, the new secretary of partying down

Watching Japan destroy Korea's hopes at world baseball dominance in the final round of the World baseball classic I realized something. Ichiro put the Japapnese team on his back and carried them to victory over their hated rivals, despite an less than stellar showing over the course of the WBC. In fact, on this night, Ichiro did more to sully the image of Korea more than Kim Jong Il and Chan-Wook Park's revenge epic, Oldboy, could ever hope to. That's right, Ichiro did more damage to Korea's image than either a megalomaniac dictator and a hyper-violent revenge flick that ended in ignorant incest.

In his final nine pitch at-bat I could see the determination in Ichiro's eyes. He was not about to let his team fuck away a 2 run lead in the determining game of the WBC. Pitch after pitch that the Koreans tried to feed him was in vain. Hoping Ichiro's agressive, swing-at-anything style would cause Ichiro to get himself self out, the Korean team attempted to serve him pitches all over the strike zone but to no avail. In the end, after many fouled pitches, Ichiro finally connected with a pitch he found suitable and drove it up the middle for the go-ahead runs.

Ichiro, being the selfish prick that he is, decided that a two run lead was not enough, he needed more adulation. Almost immediately after arriving at first Ichiro stole second with speed that'd leave Wally West flat-footed. This surely was done to pad his stats, not because he wanted another run as insurance. The stolen base was definitely was not a result of of Ichiro's desire to win. Ok, maybe it was after all.

I'm not a huge believer in "clutch" hits or other such nonsense, for the most part. But it was hard not to feel that Ichiro didn't focus his strength and determination through his bat, like Hal Jordan, to will his team to victory.

In a WBC where Ichiro's off-the-field antics have fueled more headlines than his on-field performance the stats would argue he was due. This isn't an untrue statement, though it feels like it is incomplete. Watching him chip away at the opponent's confidence with each fouled-off pitch, one could sense the grim determination focusing Ichiro's energy in his bat, wielding it without thought, like an extension of his being and know that determinism is real, you can't escape fate.

When Ichiro came through with that seemingly inevitable hit, Korea's fate was sealed. Again, their stellar baseball team would be second to Japan. Ichiro's single locked them into second place.

Fuck You Very Much, NCAA Selection Committee

2009-03-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I was rash in my evaluation I posted the other day of UW's chances in the NCAA tournament. I'll admit, I was a bit high off of the Dawgs winning the Pac-10 title outright and figured their momentum would lead them to win the Pac-10 tourney and grab a #2 seed. I was wrong.

The Dawgs struggled versus Standford but managed to pull out the win against a weaker opponent. They were not so lucky when it came to their next opponent, ASU. Perhaps The Dawgs were over-confident from having beat the Sun Devils twice in the regular season or maybe they, too, were high from the events of the week before. Either way UW played a terrible first half and were lucky to end up down only 17 at the break. Despite a big second half run that netted The Dawgs the lead, The Huskies ended up losing by 10.

Maybe the tournament selection committee viewed this as a weakness; perhaps they didn't like UW's pretentious fancy Northwest book learnin' ways; maybe they have a grudge against The Huskies because the girl at work they never have the courage to talk to ended up spurning their weak advances for a UW alum. Who knows? All I know is the NCAA tournament selection committee, for whatever reason, decided to give us a #4 seed in the tourney.

I'm fine with being a #4, The Dawgs had some big losses that ended up hurting them. Getting destroyed against Kansas early on in the season was no good, nor was losing to feeble West Coast conference member University of Portland, and losing to Cal(twice!!!!) didn't help either. What makes me get angry and Hulk out is the bracket we were placed in.

Yes, it's nice being close to home, being able to play in Portland, but having to play a hot Mississippi State team in the opening round is shittay. If UW advances past the Bulldogs, which is no guarantee as they are lean, long and athletic, allowing them to match up with The Dawgs fairly well, they will most likely face Purdue, another streaking team. Provided UW advances past the first two rounds, it looks like our opponent would be our hated rivals, The Evil Huskies of Connecticut aka the team that has bounced us out of the last two Sweet Sixteens.

As much as I would like to take revenge on them by knocking them out of the tourney for once, I don't see that happening. The Match-up of 6'7" John Brockman battling 7'4" monster Hasheem Thabeet for rebounds causes my testicles to retract into my abdomen like a 12 year old boy. I'm not sure my fragile mental state could handle another crushing loss at the hands of our Bizzarro counterparts.

Meanwhile, cross-state douchebags, Gonzaga have a super easy road to the Sweet Sixteen and get to play in Boise. Also über-lucky winners of the fetus weak Big-10, Michigan State get a #2 seed and they, too, have a cake walk to the 16.

So, in closing, I would like to eloquently express my displeasure to the fine sirs of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee.

Dear Gentleman, I know you catch no end of flack for your decisions regarding the seeding and placement of teams for the NCAA tournament. I would just like to take this moment and express my EAT SHIT YOU KNOW-NOTHING KNOW-IT-ALLS! I HOPE YOU DIE FROM GETTING YOUR COLONS PERFORATED BY A GIANT HORSECOCK!!!!! That is all,

Kind Regards,

Willie Mays Haze

Don't You Ever For Ever For A Second Get To Thinking You're Irreplaceable: Julian Peterson Traded to Detroit

2009-03-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

So long muscly arms. We will miss you!

Let this be a lesson to other Seahawks who are asked to take a pay cut some time in the future. If you refuse to rework your contract you'll end up with a fate worse than Hell, being traded to Detroit. After all that's what just happened to Julian Peterson.

After the 'Hawks signed Hoshemazode(Championship!) and Colin Cole(ugh!) they found themselves a little up against the salary cap. They asked JP to restructure his contract and he was unwilling. Tim Ruskell then decided the the best course of action was to trade Julian to the Lions for Corey Redding and a 5th round pick.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this deal yet. I loved JP as a Seahawk. He was one of the most versatile players on our defense. A player that could cover pretty well and could rush the passer like Rosie O'Donnel rushed the buffet line. In his three short years in Seattle Peterson racked up 25 sacks, 9 forced fumbles and 2 ints. Those are some pretty damn impressive numbers.

I'm of the mind set that a great line backing corps, like Seattle had, is a great thing. Thing is, even the best linebackers in the league require their D-line to allow them to eat up blockers make plays. To put it in language that our readers can understand let me equate it to porno. The D-line is like the drugs male porn stars take to go longer. The viewer is amazed at the how long furious the ball-slapping pace has been kept but don't realize that with the mean coke-dick the male lead is sporting 3 hours of solid pounding is nothing to him. It's exactly the same as when viewers are wowed by a linebackers incredible play but pay no attention to the d-lineman taking on double teams like Monica Sweetheart.

Another factor that justifies this move it the fact that Peterson just hit 31. Now, that's not exceptionally old but it is on the down slope of most NFL careers. While Peterson may be a physical freak it is safe to question how many productive seasons he has ahead of him. Leroy Hill, his sensible replacement, while lacking the pure pass rush instincts off Peterson, is still damn good and only 26.

In the trade the Seahawks acquired Corey Redding, a dominant interior defensive lineman. In 2006 Redding, notched up 8 sacks, a healthy number for an interior lineman. He had another solid year in 2007 before sitting out 2008 with injuries. Paired with man-beast Mebane, Redding should help form a formidable wall in the middle of the d-line.

Tim Ruskell's alter ego.

Finally, this move may start massive speculation about the possibility or even need for the 'Hawks to draft LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest with our #4 overall pick. I don't think this will be the case.I think there are areas that'd be impacted a lot more with #4 overall talent than linebacker. Another thing to keep in mid is that this years draft is very deep at linebacker and lb is one of the areas Tim Ruskell has shown a Randy West-eqsue eye for up and ~~cumming~~ coming linebacking talent. Hill himself was a fourth rounder and the defensive heart, Lofa Tatupu was drafted in the second. So there is hope that Ruskell would be able to draft a solid linebacker with a later pick and make this trade look even better.

In all I think this was a solid trade, as much as it hurts me to lose such a unique talent in Julian Peterson. The 'Hawks gain cap space and get a solid package return on the out going talent. It will be interesting to see what shape the Seahawks defense rounds into next season.

Seattle Sports Slurry aka I <3 alliteration

2009-03-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the Seattle Sports Scene in the months that have passed without regular posting. To catch up I'm gonna rundown the various storylines that have cropped up and provide some of my own thoughts as well as links to complement said thoughts. After this I hope to get back to posting regularly on one subject providing my usual ample amounts of snark, porn and drug references mixed in a bit of occasional commentary and attempts at analysis. Enough with the formalities, let's blog!

I think the major occurrence that happened while I was busy neglecting my baby like I was Karl Malone was the return of The Kid. You would be hard pressed to find a fan in Marinerdom that wasn't excited about the return of Ken Griffey Junior to the Mariners, even if he isn't the Junior of old. Many people, including Junior himself are hoping that he will spend a significant amount of time out in the field. Dave over at the always insightful USSM lays out a hell of an argument as to why Junior should see as little time in the field as possible. Basically it comes down the fact that compared to Junior, Raul's terrible defense over the past few years looks gold glove worthy (take that as you will). My hope is that Griffey sees the outfield minimally and platoons at DH the rest of the time. The one downside to Griffey coming back is that the M's front office is no longer forced to find an interesting way of selling this team of relatively unknown, albeit solid, players.

That brings me to my next point, Jack Zduriencik, the Mariners new GM, has done a very solid job of acquiring cheap talent. Many Mariner fans would look at the guys one the 2009 roster and automatically assume we are in for another 100+ loss season. I have to disagree with that idea if for no other reason than defensively we are light years ahead of last years defensively inept team. To the uninformed defense is the third and least important aspect winning baseball games. Hell to some it may be even a distant fourth behind the all-important yet ever so unquantifiable chemistry factor.

To know just how much defense matters I present two examples. The first is the offensive juggernaut that was the 2005 New York Yankees. Despite having an incredibly impressive offense and high-powered pitching staff the Yankees fell short in the playoffs. The reason? That team possessed one of the worst defenses to ever make the playoffs. In the playoffs, when the importance of every out is magnified and runs scored are at a premium a poor defense can be the spark the destroys the Hindenburg.

Conversely, the 2008 Tampa Bay Rays, much like the 2001 Mariners relied on their defensive prowess to advance all the way to the World Series. An already solid young pitching staff was augmented by a defense that could convert balls in play into outs, balls that the 2005 Yankees would only be able to make nominal attempts to catch.

With the defensive upgrades and the possibility of a decent amount of production from the DH platoon and first base this team will be better than people think. The AL West is east-coast-pot weak and in the only 4 team division in baseball some people think the M's have a decent shot at winning it. I, for one, am holding out hope.

The Seahawks have the #4 pick in the Draft. Too bad it's a pretty weak draft. There has been a lot of speculation on who The 'Hawks will draft. I have no real idea about what Tim Ruskell is going to do with the #4 overall pick. He moves in mysterious ways. But I would like the Seahawks to get some O-Line depth and find someone that can replace Brian Russel. Because despite the apologists out there that try to cover-up B-Russ' suckitude like holocaust deniers, there is no religious body to destroy the massive amounts of video evidence that display Russel's pure suck.

The Seahawks signed Colin Cole to be paired with man-beast and possible Werewolf by Night, Brandon Mebane at DT. Ostensibly this move will allow Mebane to move to the more disruptive 3-technique tackle where his quickness off the ball and ability to use his leverage to break through blocks will allow him to rush the passer.

Sadly, I don't see this being the case. Not because I don't think Mebane has the skills but because I don't think Cole has the skills. Cole was a back-up on a terrible Packers run defense last season and, when given playing time, was ineffective. That is the football equivalent of being the guitarist for Limp Bizkit after Wes Borland left and being fired. It wasn't as if there is some high standard being set by the person being replaced. So if the replacement performs below the artificially low level set by their predecessor they must really be terrible.

Cole, despite being a seemingly stout 6'1" and 330lbs, fails to hold the point of attack against a double team which was the specific duty he was brought in for. If Cole is blown off the ball easily and fails to command a double team then Brandon Mebane won't have the luxury of seeing one on one match-up to get to the quarterback. If this is the case, it slows Mebane's pass rush considerably and could well be the difference between a hurried and incomplete pass and a complete pass. Let us hope that Red Bryant steps up big time this year and takes over Cole's job.

Steve Sarkesian, former offensive coordinator at perenial powerhouse USC, was hired to turn the UW Football team around. Coming in late to the recruiting process, due to the exit of Tyrone Willingham, Sarkesian managed to put together a respectable recuiting class, despite losing out on a few quality recruits at the last minute.

In his short tenure at Montlake so far Sarkesian has managed to impress. He brings a much needed vitality to the program that was sorely missing under the dour business like approach of Willingham. I wanted Willingham to suceed but by the end it was clear he was not the right man for the job. Already Sarkesian is making a big push for the 2010 recruiting class. Even going so far as to simulate coming out of the tunnel at Husky Stadium complete with smoke and effects. And while technically this is a recruiting violation I enjoy seeing the coach go to such lengths to get kids excited about playing at Montlake again.

While Dawg fans might see more kids leave the program than huge dividends early on, down the road the intensity and results will be there. Already, there is talk of possibly getting Jake Heaps, considered one of the best prospects in the nation to commit early to UW. IF this happens, and that is a big if considering the offers he has in front of him, it would be a huge gain for the Huskies who could use his commitment as a recruiting tool to try and draw in more talent with the lure of playing with Heaps. After enduring the worst season in Husky football history, a strong draft class, especially one highlighted by Heaps, would do a lot to give Dawg fans hope for the future.

That bout does it for my Seattle Sports Slurry. Hopefully you will enjoy my efforts to give you interesting bits of food for thought on the recent major local story lines. I would update you on Sounders FC news but we all know Nobody Likes Soccer.

What Is This Emotion I Am Feeling? Huh-ope-uh, Is That Right? Hope?

2009-03-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

Faithful readers, it has been too long since anyone has taken the time out of their busy lives to pay attention to this looker of a blog, as such it has fallen into disrepair. I aim to make that right and get to posting back on here again on a somewhat regular basis. Now, onto the post!

The UW Mens Husky Basketball team won the fuggin Pac-10 outright!!! Take another look at that last sentence and savor it. The team that was predicted to carry on the established 2008 continuity of mediocrity and finish 5th at best in the weakened Pac-10 won the title for the first time since 1953! In a sports year that has left many Seattle sports fans on the ledge ready to jump the UW mens Basketball team has been a comforting voice telling us to step back in the window, things aren't really that bad.

With a number 2 seed within easy reach should the team win the Pac-10 tourney The Dawgs are looking like the real deal. This would almost assure The Dawgs a spot in the sweet 16 and from there only 3 wins removed from the National Championship game. I believe with the deep and balanced squad The Dawgs have this year they have a decent shot at the Final Four, if not beyond.

There are two major things that need to happen for us to go as far as I believe we can. The first is the Dawgs need to knock down their outside shots. Justin Dentmon hit on 43% of his attempts from beyond the arc this season and is going to need to get his groove back after going 5 for his last 25 from deep. If The Dawgs are knocking down their outside shots it makes them an almost impossible team to guard. Their already potent drive and dish game is augmented by the threat of the outside shot and can result in teams biting hard on the pump fake making easy driving lanes.

The second key is dealing with the refs. The Huskies up-tempo fast-breaking style of play starts with a Kyle Gass and Jack Black style Tenacious D. The massive amounts of pressure Washington puts on opposing ball handlers leads to forced shots, long rebounds and turnovers. All are major components in UW's Leonard Little-esque drives to the hoop that often result in trips to the line with the Darryl Strawberry like frequency. But the consistancy of that component of the game was in part due to the often iffy reffing of Pac-10 officials. If the officials in the tourney decide to call a tighter game and stall our agressive advances like the fat friend of the hot girl at the bar the wins necesary to advance to basketball Canaan aka Detroit-WTF?! Who thought it would be a good idea to host the Final Four in a "city" where this happens?-will be much harder to come by.

If the Huskies can have these two factors fall in their favor I think there is a real shot at they will be Detroit bound-again how odd is to want more than anything to punch your ticket going TO Detroit aka the nation's anus?

After a terribly disapointing 2008 sports-wise a deep run into the NCAA tournament for The Dawgs would be a dose of Zoloft the city of Seattle desperately needs.

Philly Fans "Title or bust!" Me "Bust away, then!"

2008-10-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

As the Philadelphia Phillies were kicking the holy crap out of Tampa Bay last night the near inevitability of a Phillies World Series truly set upon me. My heart seized up, could the city of brotherly love really handle a championship? Or would the ensuing celebration turn into something that would put the L.A riots to shame? My guess is the former would happen. And if that's the case we, as sports fans, need to look deep inside our sporting souls answer this nagging question. Do the sports fans of the city of Philadelphia really deserve a championship?

It was the year 1983, I had just been born a few months earlier, Reagan had been in office for a little over two years, the Sunset Strip was filled with crappy hair bands, and the Philadelphia 76ers had just won a NBA title, the last title to be brought to the city. In the mean time Philly has had both the Iggles and The Sixers make it to a title game only to fall short to dynasties, The Pats and Lakers respectively. For such a drought many would agree that it is indeed time for Philly to get a title. I might even agree with this idea except for one thing, Philly fans.

For being named the city of brotherly love, Philly has some of the harshest fans in all of America. The old Vet(Veterans Stadium) had a jail underneath it so there was a space large enough to hold all the rowdy drunken phanatics. It even had it's own court and judge to process said drunks. I think this was and still is a unique feature among sports stadiums.

In 1999, when Michael Irvin went head first into the green carpet covered cement that passed for turf at the Vet he severely injured his neck and had to be carted off the field on a stretcher. Iggles fans, being the classy bunch they are, booed the hell out of Irvin as he left with what turned out to be a career ending injury.

Also in '99 Phillies fans rained down D batteries on J.D Drew, who, after being drafted by Philly, had held out for a trade to another team. This is a relatively tame example of Philly fans assholeishness.

1999 was a year that Philadelphia raised the bar for sports asshole all over the country. Matthew Scott, the first recipient of a total hand transplant threw out the first pitch for the Phillies but not to the satisfaction of the fans. When the ball he threw from his transplanted hand bounced up to the plate the fans let him have it with a chorus of boos.

When the Iggles drafted franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb, also in 1999, the pick was not met with cheers or even anything close. Wanting their team to take running back Ricky Williams
the fans booed the hell out of McNabb as he went up to the stage.

How'd that work out for ya Philly? McNabb do anything for you guys?

Earlier this year when whoring herself out for Pennsylvania's votes, republican VP nominee Sarah Palin decided to flaunt her "hockey mom" cred and attend a Flyers game. When warned before hand that Philly fans will boo any and everything she said something like "That's ok. I'll have my daughter, Piper, in a flyers jersey too they wouldn't dare boo her." Oh-ho-ho how little did she know. I guess in Alaska word hadn't gotten up there about Philly fans. Here's what happened.

Actually this is the one booing I'll give Philadelphia fans, good job guys. If only she got booed at every event she went to like she was booed at the Flyers game.

Even Santa Claus can't catch a break when he stops by Philly. In 1968, Frank Olivo, was dressed in a red Santa outfit in an attempt to spread christmas cheer at the last Iggles game of the year. Iggles fans have tried to distort the myth by sayin Olivo was drunk and his suit in tatters. This was not the case. Olivo was greeted not only with the standard Philly chorus of boos but also a hail of snow balls. So snowblind(not from coke, mind you) was he that officials had to come to his rescue and escort him off the field.

With all that said can you imagine what might happen if/when the Phillies win the Series? The streets will be like Neverland Ranch was for little kids, not safe under any circumstances. And for that matter, do Philly fans, with all that booing and jeering even dieserve a title? I think the answer is clearly a resounding NO!

I hope somehow, magically the Rays come back forwm being down 3-1 and steal the World Series from Philadelphia. Then my recently delfated schaudenfreude hard-on will be back to full mast and I will be a very happy man.

Hey Hey, a win! We aint had one of them since McCain still had a chance!

2008-10-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

It was like Ice Cube was looking out for Seattle 'cause today was a good day, for the Seahawks at least. It has been almost a month since the 'Hawks had one of those. In the time in between there has been much more down than up. There were the 3 straight losses, the loss of Hasslebeck for an extended period, mounting injuries, and Charlie Frye even started a game, which was lost, of course. But today all that was forgotten about as the 'Hawks trounced the 49ers 34-13.

The last time these two teams met 'Frisco had gotten off to a hot start under with JT O'Sullivan throwing the ball down field with abandon in Mike Martz's pass happy offense. That day they had a little luck in beating Seattle with two tipped picks, one of which was returned for a td. Since that time they have been pretty abysmal going just 1-4.

JT O'Sullivan has been like a punch drunk bare-knuckled boxer at QB. Coming into today's game he was responsible for 16 of San Fran's 19 turnovers with 10 ints and 6 fumbles. It's tough to win with that many turnovers.

The Niners had been playing so poorly that head coach Mike Nolan and his suit were fired coming into the game against Seattle. Many had stated they felt the suit was the only thing holding the team together. Mike Nolan had every right to be fired, many agreed, but did the suit really need to get axed along with him? That's like throwing out the bowl with the bongwater!

Luckily, Hall of Famer and former Monster of Midway, Mike Singletary was promoted to head coach. God knows Mike Martz doesn't need to kill another team with his terrible head coaching abilities,"Sure I have a hell of a running back and my QB has been getting drilled worse than Kim Kardashian but, fuck it, let's put the ball in the air 40-50 times!". Even Mike's fiery temper couldn't help the 49ers win this sunny Sunday.

JT O'Sullivan was looking potato famine weak as he fumbled twice, losing one, and throwing a TAINT(touchdown after an interception) to John Wilson. Coming back to the sideline after the pic O'Sullivan was blindsided by Singletary so hard his whiskey thinned blood was pouring out of his nose and he had to come out of the the game. Sean Hill went the rest of the way.

The game was decided on two plays, both were passes to Leonard Weaver. The weav turned two short passes into touchdowns of 43 and 62 yards by simply catching the ball and running past everyone one his way to the end zone, leaving only the tracers from the swaths of neon green on his shoes down the field .

This type of speed and agility from a FULLBACK makes me wonder about Holmgren, who seems content using The Weav purely as a blocking back. But with hands and feet like that I have often opined that Weaver's skills need be put to more use than just the occasional 3rd down draw. This goes double in a season when the Seahawks top seven wideouts have missed time with injury. If The Weav can do that with a simple dump off pass, imagine what he could to if he had plays drawn up for him occasionally.

Along with Seneca's athletic ability languishing on the bench in the role of back-up QB, this is one the more egregious misuses of athleticism I have been witness to. It would be like if you forced T-Mac to play power forward just because he's 6'10". As much as I like and respect Holmgren for his successes, his lack of imagination in using his players leaves me shaking my head quite often.

One of the other highlights from the game was Singletary's handling of the captain of the all-talent-no-heart team, Tight End Vernon Davis. Davis slapped the helmet of 'Hawks Safety Brian Russel and received a penalty, apparently upset that the lead footed, poor tackling Russel was anywhere near him to take him down. Singletary chewed out Davis to the point where David went sulking to the bench at which point Singletary told him to hit the showers. Davis did shaking his helmet at the non-existant fans at Candlestick Park.

This is exactly the kind of ass kick Davis needs as he is often seen dogging it on routes and alligator arming passes at the slighest hing of a hit like a latter day Freddie Mitchell. Davis is a absurd physical specimen who has the tools to dominate if he could ever have his head forcibly removed from up his ass which proabably pisses off Singletary all the more. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out after the 49ers bye next week.

It will also be interesting to see if The 'Hawks can put together a little bit of a winning streak starting with a tough Philly squad next week at home. With two games with Arizona left and old man Warner's fragile physique starting to fall apart there is still hope for winning the division. Right now though, I am just basking in the glow of this blow-out win.

M's hire new GM: The Z Man Cometh

2008-10-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

Let's hope Jay-Z(pictured on the left) has a better eye for talent than he does shirts.

I had been meaning to write a post about the M's GM search for quite some time but laziness impeded me from culminating my plans. The gist of the post was going to be that no matter who the M's picked out of the talked about crop of potential GM's the organization I was going to be happy. This would show that the M's were willing to take a step forward in looking at building a team due to the fact that the finalists all had strong backgrounds in well-run organizations that used statistical analysis as a main cog in player evaluation. I liked the idea of the M's taking a "flyer" on one of these young hot shots schooled in the A's, Jays, Rays, Sawks, D Backs, and Padres school of thought in building a team. Then old man river had to come in and shit in my cereal.

Don't get me wrong from what I have read about Jack Zduriencik( zur-EN-ah sik) has been really positive. He comes from a Brewers organization that focuses heavily on scouting and player development, a lot like the Angels of the Twins. The proof of his good work is apparent in the large amount of major league ready home grown talent available in the Brewers system. And that is something much needed with the M's. While Bill Bavasi did help rebuild the farm system he also instilled failed philosophies in player development that saw many players rushed to triple A only to languish there as they tried to learn facets of the game that should have been taught in the lower levels.

The reason this hiring kind of bums me out, despite it being a step in the right direction for this team that has been running the wrong direction at full speed for years, is complex. In my mind he was chosen By the tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber team of Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong not because he necesairly had the best plan to turn the organization around but because he was the safe pick. He was the oldest of the potential GM's(not that he's old per se, 57) and was closest to the old school of baseball thought of any of the others in the running. This quote pretty much sums up my fears on why he was hired.

"Jack is extremely well-respected throughout baseball," Lincoln said. "His track record in recognizing and developing young talent in Milwaukee was instrumental in the Brewers steady improvement over the past several seasons."

It's that whole respected throughout baseball and track record part that gets me. They point to a good outcome achived via poor decision making. Or take a look at Paul DePodesta's sucess matrix to see where it'd fit.

A bad process of choosing someone because they fit into your pre-established concepts of what's good but still getting it right, that's down in the left hand corner under dumb luck.

The hope is that Zduriencik incorporates some statistical analysis into the organization as well by hiring young bright minds who would love nothing more than to crunch numbers for their hometown team. I'm sure Seattle has a lot of those types. Perhaps we can then build and front office where it's not a one man show but other bright minds can take the work they did here in Seattle with them as the become succesful assistant and full GM's through out the league. A new day has dawned and anything is possible.

I Believe in Nothing...Execept Taking Joy in the Suffering of Others

2008-10-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

There is something very freeing about living in a shitty sports city and Seattle most definitely is that recently. The fiery passions that burn in my heart, once extinguished, can be replaced with a smothering hatred towards all things. I no longer have to root for my team to win but I can now root openly for other teams to fail, hoping for misery the way a contending fan hopes for a joyous outcome. It is a truly liberating feeling.

Watching the ALCS between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Bawston Red Sawks I came to the realization that I wasn't rooting so much for the Rays to win as I was rooting for the Sawks to lose. I was wishing their terribly annoying fans to disappear and go back to committing hate crimes on assorted minorities and quee-ahs. The Tampa Bay Rays could have been the terrible KC Royals and I would have been just as happy.

During that series I felt, for the first time in a long time, that there indeed was a God and he too hated the Sawks. Why else would he let them come back from a 7-0 deficit in the 7th inning of a potentially deciding game? What other explanation was there for the Sawks taking game 6 as well? This inflated Bawston sports fans egos to Sally Struthers proportions as the media talked about the experienced leadership of the Sawks, how they had been there before, twice, and come back. Then in one last final act of cruelty the Lord let Justin Pedroia hit a 1st inning homerun leading Sawks fans all over the country to blow their loads on their keep sake photos of the balding midget.

God has a hell of a sense of humor, just look at the platypus. He gave Sawks fans so much hope and hubris only to pull it all away with the gas powered arm of rookie David Price. Price came out and pitched the last two innings of ALCS game 7 and blew away the veteran Sawks line-up. What indignity! For such gritty and clutch vets to be cut down like wheat before the scythe by a rookie, was unthinkable to Sawks fans. The rook should have been like a young Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, unable to find the strike zone and eventually walk in the winning run. That he didn't gave me a schadenfreude hard-on the would put Mr.Marcus to shame.

Just when I thought I couldn't revel anymore in the pain of others, came Sunday. America's Team was a team in turmoil. Missing their starting QB, Tony Romo, with a broken pinky, having lost "big play" corner/punt returner Pacman Jones due to idiocy, and superstar Terrell Owens whining like one of the dogs Mike Vick drowned because he wasn't getting enough touches. Both coach Wade Phillips and Owner Jerry Jones had to be worried about things, as this pre-season Super Bowl favorite had lost 2 of it's last 3 games going into Sunday. That one win was a squeaker against the winless Bungles.

The Rams were on a high after firing Coach Scott Linehan whose tactics, like benching $60 million man Marc Bulger for the walking concussion Trent Green, had lost him the team's respect. The high was extended as they rolled over Dallas 34-14. Steven Jackson ran through Dallas' once vaunted D for 160 yard and 3 td's. The whole while I was on a schadenfreude high cheesing my balls off. I hadn't been that giddy Since Monday Night Football where Elisha Manning reverted to the slobbering mongoloid we knew him as.

The implosion of the Cowboys looks to continue for at least few more weeks . Their schedule before the bye is imposing to put it lightly as The 5-2 Bucs come to Dallas, then The 'Boys go to NY to face the retard and his 5-1 VaGiants, after that is a bye and Romo may be back. At that point it might be too late like foreigner said "the damage is done".

I may not have a lot to look forward to sportswise in my black hole sunshine city, this is true. But I have more than enough sources to keep my hate filled heart overflowing in these coming weeks and that's all that really matters.

New England's Sports Dominance Getting Old

2008-10-15T01:03:00.000-07:00

I have to admit something to you, Dear readers. I am a Red Sox enabler. I'm sorry. I never imagined my enabling would lead to such moral lows.

4 years ago I was living abroad in Mexico. I remember stopping by a small bar and watching Curt"I'm the Biggest Asshole in the World" Schilling and The Red Sox break the sway the Yankees had held over them so long. In an innocent thought to myself I mused "Good for the Sox. I hate the fucking Yankees! I'd like to see the Sox win the series. After all they've been through they deserve it." Not long after that thought had passed I wanted it back so very bad.

Much like someone who jumps off a bridge in attempts to commit suicide but lives, I realized "No, this isn't what I want at all!". I wanted the Yankees to lose, sure. Those cocky New York fucks deserved to lose. But if Boston Made it to the Series I had no doubt that they would absolutely destroy whichever second class NL team they faced. Then everything would change.

No longer would the Sox be the lovable losers filled with fan faves like No-mah, Pay-dro, Big Papi and Man-Ram, none of who could win the big one. They would be the world champs. And that would suck. It was so much fun watching those Boston fans wallow in self-pity and believe in garbage like the curse of The Bambino. With a win, they would no longer be self-loathers and, if The Pats mini-dynasty is any reference, happy New Englanders are very annoying New Englanders.

Last year I watched as my surrogate team, the well run and smartly put together, Cleveland Indians go up 3-1 on the Sox in the ALCS. The Indians(and the most racist logo ever. Can you imagine similarly racist team names?) stood poised to clinch the 4th and deciding game at home in Cleveland , when I had another innocent thought. "I want this series to be at least a little interesting, maybe the Sox can have this one. Besides, how sweet would it be for the Fenway faithful witness the dismemberment of their beloved Sox there in Boston?"Again, almost immediately I realized my error.

My simple wish turned very sour and the Red Sox went on to take the next two in Boston, winning the games by a combined score of 24-4. I knew that this incredible turnaround would only add to the Sox lore and I hated it. I couldn't stand the thought of ever more bandwagon fans coming out of the woodwork in support of this grotesque monstrosity of a team. The Red Sox had become the new Yankees.

Working at the stadium when the Red Sox are in town is a confusing time. One never realizes just how close Boston is to Seattle until witnessing the flood of all sorts of Sox gear come flooding into the stadium, most of it freshly purchased. When cheers eurpt it is difficult to discern if it is for the M's or the Sox(except this year when with the M's ineptitude you knew it was for the Sox). This baseball blasphemy should never transpire in one's home stadium espescially not when the team you are playing's true fan base is over 3,000 miles away.

Now the Tampa Bay Rays have the Red Sox on the ropes 3-1 going into game 5 in Boston on Thursday. I want very badly for the upstart Rays to continue to kick the holy hell out of the Sox as they have done the past two games.

I've learned my lesson. I'm not rooting for a close series. I'm not even rooting for the sweet irony of Man-Ram coming back to play at Fenway in Dodgers blue in the series. No, All I want is a swift and painless victory on Thursday. Then I want the Rays to kick the shit out of Pat Gillick's Phillies in the series. I want all those tools who constantly claim that a team needs post-season experience to win it all to have to eat some serious crow. All those who doubted the Rays because they were "too young" and didn't see that they were also supremely talented, will weep as old baseball cliches are torn asunder. And I want to be there to watch.

Seattle Seahawks 2008: Epic Fail!!!

2008-10-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously 'Hawks, how did you manage this?

Right after Charlie Frye threw his second terrible interception in a rout by the visiting Green Bay Packers, that was much greater than the 27-17 score would indicate, I realized something very disturbing. Like Slick Rick said, "it was the moment I feared." The Seattle Seattle Seahawks had become a tired internet meme in 2008. They were the epitome of Epic Fail.

I can spot an epic fail like a catholic priest can spot a supple altar boy ripe for molesting, too. In fact, I had one hell of an epic fail under the Friday night lights, just days earlier. I'm not referring to the football field, as I am much too out of shape and brittle for that kind of activity.

My epic fail came after drinking far too much at a work party and becoming completely useless, when the entire point of the party was to talk to this pretty girl I am interested in. Perhaps it was the combination of light and dark liquor plus beer that did it to me, but my Linda Blair came out as I twice projectile vomited. Thankfully no one saw the expulsion of my stomachs contents. After that point I became a little surly and a lot out of it. My grip on consciousness was slipping like Brian Russell attempting to cover a receiver. To the point that when my coveted girl was leaving I stubbornly stayed inside instead of walking her to her car. Like I said, epic fail.

So imagine my horror when a mere two days later another 'Hawks lost dropped us to 1-4 on the season, stamping "Epic Fail" on our foreheads. The parallels were too blatant to disregard.

This season was supposed to be Holmgren's last hurrah. The plan was to go out in a blaze of glory for The Walrus. Even after a rash of injuries decimated our receiving corp, hope still shined brightly. Our defense, with it's 3 returning pro-bowlers combined with the influx and growth of young talent, was going to carry us until the WR's got healthy.

Then we came out flat on the road against Buffalo in the season opener, giving up 34 points. An aberration, I thought. Like Sir Ben Kingsley in the movie BloodRayne, surely not a sign of things to come.

After a tough loss due to a little bad luck to the 49er's at home my confidence was a little shaken. How could we have let the walking dead corpse of Isaac Bruce absolutely torch us for 153 yards on 4 catches? The secondary was a revelation last year, this year it was giving it up like post-Tommy Mottola Mariah Carrey.

The 'Hawks dominated The Rams and confidence was restored a bit. It was reasoned by many that, even though it was the lowly Rams, we handled them like a good team should, by completely and utterly abusing them. This gave a lot of hope going into the bye week, coupled with the fact that Plexiglass Burress was going to suspended for the game against the 'Hawks and fans were clamoring like fan boys pre-Star Wars:Episode I.

There were two things overlooked going into the into the game at New York that foreshadowed the outcome. Just like Episode I, where everyone forgot about George Lucas' penchant for cheapening his films with inane kiddie fare and inability to work with actors, so overlooked were The Seahawks dismal schedule coming off a bye and playing games on the east coast. After Brian Russell decided pregame to make Domenik Hixon a star, the outcome was forged. Eli went all Jerramy Stevens on our secondary, using his 'tard strength to hurl the ball to his nominally covered receivers. Brandon Jacobs only needed the first half of football to do his damage and run all over the once vaunted 'Hawks D.

The Seahawks nation, still coughing up spine fragments from their pounding the week before, were given a steel-toed boot to the teeth when on Friday the team announced Matt Hasselbeck would no be starting because of a knee injury suffered the week before. Seneca "I'm not retarded!" Wallace wouldn't start either due to a calf injury. Which left the hopes riding on 3rd String QB Charlie Frye.

Rational thought would preclude someone from ever hoping to win a game in which Charlie Frye is starting for your team. Sadly rational thought is often overshadowed by homerism. The hope was, that with a strong ground game and a solid display by our D against an injured and inconsistent O-Line, the team could eek out a win. These hopes were swatted down like so many late passes by Charlie Frye. Chuckles' penchant for holding onto the ball like my drunken roommate hangs onto a bottle of booze led to many sacks, two int's and the bevy of aforementioned late passes.

The defense failed to get any consistent pressure as Aaron Rodgers dissected our secondary, bum shoulder and all. The offense's inability to stay on the field and the d's inability to stay off it culminated in one hell of a stomping.

Sadly, all hopes of this team contending for a 5th straight year atop of the NFC West, let alone a Super Bowl berth, were crushed. The season, realistically, is dead. 1-4 is not an easy hole to climb out of even our incredibly weak division. For having such a Bagdhad-esque demolition of our hopes of a season we are reduced to being a very sad Epic Fail.

This is more like a perfect summation of the M's season. Even if everything goes right it still ain't gonna be that good of a time. But, holy hell, it's one epic fucking fail.

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life...Cause I fell on Black Days

2008-09-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

How could Chris Cornell be so prescient?

More to the point, 14 years ago, when I was a long haired grunger wallowing in self pity whilst listening to the brilliant Soundgarden album Superunknown, how could have I missed what Chris was trying to tell me? How could I have been so blind?

It's too late now, Black Days are upon me and the only light at the end of the tunnel is just a mack truck barrelling towards me.

Seattle sports, my life's blood, are at a soul scraping low unseen in recent memory. The wellspring that was Seattle sports has dried up into a dust bowl. Unlike the Joads, no greener pastures exist.

Like a train wreck or a Nicolas Cage movie, I cannot tear my gaze from the spectacle no matter how gruesome the scene becomes.

Oh, what a gruesome spectacle my beloved sports are, too. The Mariners a flirting with a 100 loss season after giving up most of the farm system in the name of Contention '08. With a painful (and unnecessary) rebuild looming '09 looks lost too. Hell, that whole franchise may be lost as long as the two headed monster of Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong are around.

Despite the jaw-dropping athleticism displayed by Sophomore Quarterback Jake Locker, UW football is firmly stuck in the mire. A tough opening schedule against three top 25 teams to kick off the '08 leaves the Dawgs 0-3 going into the bye. The 55-14 drubbing handed to U-Dub by the Oklahoma Sooners thrusts Coach Ty Willingham's head closer to the guillotine.

Not helping matters is the glacially slow maturation process of Montlake Jake's passing game. Already a consistent threat to break a big gain running the ball Jake has yet to flash any sort of a consistently accurate arm. Often his passes more look destined for Lake Washington than his receivers.

Not long ago the sting of another putrid UW football season was soothed by Huskies Basketball. The '05-'06 season that culminated in a deep NCAA tournament run seems like a distant memory now. In a tough Pac-10 it may be a couple years before another rise to prominence.

Then there is the gaping wound left for the forced removal of Seattle's oldest and most decorated sports team, The Supersonics. The pain is still to fresh for me to talk about. Instead, I will leave my post on the matter to speak for me.

Finally, the rock of Gibraltar of Seattle sports, The Seahawks have fallen victim to the malaise that hangs around the city like a growing smog cloud. Not even a visit from the hapless 49ers could help the 'Hawks this past weekend. It what should have been a sure win at home, the 'Hawks dropped to 0-2 in a 33-30 OT loss.

Injuries have decimated this team. We are down 6 of our top wide receivers. Two are out for the season with knee injuries. This includes Nate Burleson, the 'Hawks biggest receiving threat. Even back-up QB cum WR Seneca Wallace left the field after warm-ups on Sunday with a calf pull and is not expected back for around a month.

Our normally stout defense has taken it's hits too. Pro-Bowl cornerback Marcus Trufant has a cracked bone in his hand and is playing with a mini-club-like cast making INTs almost impossible. 3rd year man and seemingly constant victim, Kelly Jennings suffered cracked ribs in the game but is expected to tough it out. Lofa Tatupu, the leader of the defense an injured his hand in the first game of the year. Professional "cover" safety Brian Russel is doing his best to play through one of the worst cases of suck-itis I have ever witnessed. Despite his efforts to be a gamer Russell appears to possess the footspeed of my grandma and is doing far more harm than good out there.

Right now Seattle sports are have a worse run of bad luck than me one spring. And that was some bad luck! First I find out that the girl I'm seeing is pregnant, then I was cracked in the head with a pair of nunchucks(I know, nunchucks, WTF?!) and robbed, then upon relaying this to her am called an asshole. Finally, on the night I go to her house to console her and keep her from hating me, the robbers show up to my apartment again, this time with a gun. I spend the next week sleeping on the girl's couch in one of the more awkward living situations, EVER.

Even then though, I was gettin' a little sympathy tail, feeling kinda like Tony Montana(but with nunchucks) and had many friends ready to ride for me. I don't think Seattle sports have anything comparable going on right now.

"So what you wanted to see good has made you blind." Damn it, why didn't I listen?

The Seahawks' Season Begins...And It's Really Fucking Embarrassing

2008-09-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

I always forget how fucking terrible the Seahawks are on the East Coast. Well, the insane 34-10 blowout at the hands of the FUCKING BUFFALO BILLS just provided a painful reminder.

The 'Hawks went in to the game with little depth at the receiver position—Deion Branch and Bobby Engram are both out with injuries, as is Ben Obamanu with a broken clavicle—leaving us with Nate Burleson and a bunch of green rookies. And then Burleson went down halfway through the game with a self-inflicted knee injury, leaving Hass' with zero targets. Courtney Taylor—the most experienced receiver of the mostly-rookie bunch—couldn't pull in the ball. Neither could Jordan Kent. Logan Payne made one catch.

The offensive line just collapsed, and Hass was sacked about every other series.

If that wasn't bad enough, it's clear that the stink of Shaun Alexander still lingers in the backfield.

I might've missed a run or two, but it looked like Julius Jones had all of ONE run fthat went for more than 3-4 yards. Meanwhile, Mo Morris pulled off a few nice 10+ yard runs and TJ Duckett was nowhere to be seen.

Special Teams was a mess, too. Ryan Plackemeier kick several punts that only went for about 30 yards, and no one seemed to be able to make tackles picking up the returner, which led to one kick being returned for a TD, and several other big yard returns. The Bills even managed to pick up an easy TD, faking a field goal and passing it in—to a completely uncovered receiver—for six.

Good thing Seattle's reliable defense was there to stop the bleeding and save the day, right?

Nope.

Lee Evans shit all over Kelly Jennings, and the line never really figured out how to stop Marshawn Lynch, who ran for over 100 yards—which might've had something to do with MIA DT Rocky Bernard, who was suspended for the game, along with DB Jordan Babineaux. Even so, beastly Patrick Kerney was kept to out of Buffalo's backfield with single coverage, which is fucking ridiculous.

One would hope this game was just a fluke, but it sure as hell looks like the Hawks might be crippled by personell issues on offense. Although I still can't figure out what happened on defense.

Undoubtedly, the Walrus will lose his shit, make everyone run windsprints and straighten things out. I hope.

Next week we play San Francisco at Qwest. Let's hope next week is a little less soul crushing.

30 pieces of Silver: A City Betrayed

2008-07-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

July 2, 2008. Remember this date as it will infamously go down as the day The Seattle SuperSonics were sold down river to Oklahoma City for a cool $45 mil. It will be remembered as the day professional basketball died in the fine city of Seattle.

July 2, 2008 was supposed to be the day the sporting world learned the fate of Seattle's oldest professional sports franchise as decreed by Judge Marsha Pechman. After two straight weeks of the circus that was the court case and the ups and downs that came along with it, it would all be over. Closure would finally be earned.

In 1925 T.S Eliot famously wrote "This is the way the world ends...Not with a bang but with a whimper." He may as well as have written those words about the conclusion of the Sonics tenure in Seattle in 2008. Before Judge Pechman could issue her decision an out of court settlement was reached. Instead hearing a much anticipated ruling on the case the only thing that was heard was a giant ripping sound coming from the rending hearts of Sonics fans as their team was violently torn from them.

The City of Seattle, whose argument throughout the trial was that no monetary value could be placed upon having the Sonics here, reached an agreement with the Professional Basketball Club(Bennet et al.) for $45 million, a monetary value if I have ever heard one. A sum that still doesn't fully pay for the Key Arena tab. An additional $30 mil will be granted to the city if a deal for a new arena or Key Arena remodel is passed sometime during the next session of the legislature and a team does not move into the facility by 2013. No team was promised to the city in return, unlike when The Hornets left Charlotte in 2002 and were granted the expansion Bobcats a mere 2 years later.

In accepting the $45 mil settlement being offered Greg Nickels might as well as have been Judas accepting 30 pieces of silver. The man testified that he had only attended 2(!!!) Sonics games in the past ten years. Why should he care about the team the put Seattle sports on the map? He seemed only interested in covering the remaining amount on the lease than actually trying to keep the team here. Mayor Nickels probably felt that all in all the team could add enough monetarily to the city to be worth the fight. Not like, say, his beloved condos and other soul stealing buildings, that add near countless funds to his coffers(perhaps I am overstating the financial impact of all this new housing but to me the massive influx of new people into the city combined with the tearing down of anything that resembles "old" Seattle dovetails nicely into Nickels' goal to rid Seattle of it's soul in a conquistadors quest for the loot, the Sonics being the latest victim unfortunate enough to be in the way)

Greg Nickels was tittering and giggling like a school girl with a secret during the press conference at which the settlement was announced to the public. On the most somber day in Seattle sports history he was acting as if he just found out the cutest boy in the class had a crush on him. This did not go unnoticed, however. It was a fact that the news media immediately picked up on and even the normally collected Kevin Calabro had something to say on this in a recent PI article "I suppose I should be muzzling myself and painting a rosy picture, but I can't do that, it's not honest." He then added "I was embarrassed for the city, I was enraged that our council members would sit up there and titter and laugh nervously and congratulate themselves over being part of a 41-year history being sold. I was deeply embarrassed and still am.

"I get incensed because people, particularly leadership in the town and the region, don't seem to have the same pride in the area that I do. They sold the legacy away for less monetarily than they should have for a promise down the road of an NBA team from a league run by a commissioner that disrespected them and the region.

"What you're doing now is going after a theoretical building for a hypothetical team. I find that failed logic."

When the voice of the Sonics says things like this with so much anger and disappointment, people listen. I agree whole heartedly with his statements. There is no guarantee that by going along with the NBA and their scorched earth policies that the city will ever get another team. A funding deal could be put together for a Key Arena remodel an upgrade and still no team could come.

This is all rather analogous to the chapter from Cannery Row where John Steinbeck lovingly tells the story of a male gopher who builds a mansion among gopher burrows, replete with a ransom on fresh mallow weeds, in attempts to woo a mate. The poor gopher finds out that despite a prime location away from predators, with readily available food, and a top-notch floor plan there are simply no females near to court. He eventually leaves his home, following a females scent down a another distant burrow only to find that she is already spoken for and her mate doesn't take too kindly to the bachelors advances. For his troubles the young gopher is mauled badly and forced to return to his den and lick his wounds, alone.

Seattle is not the only city on the prowl for an NBA franchise. Las Vegas, Kansas City, and San Diego are hoping to lure a team away from floundering market and give it a shiny new home. Like a sad Vh1 reality TV show, Seattle will have to compete against the rest of the contestant/cities in order to impress a team enough to be chose as said franchises new home. I can envision Seattle losing every shred of dignity as it grovels to the NBA for a new team. We could call the show "I love David Stern". Challenges could include cooking Stern's favorite meal(liver and fava beans with a nice chianti) and getting into a hot tub with sexy Davey while whispering into his ear all the nasty things our city would do for him if he were to choose Seattle. If the city were lucky it'd be the last one standing and we would get to hear those beautiful words "Seattle, you get to have the Memphis Grizzlies!"

This brings me to another point that Art Thiel brought up. Namely, can the city of Seattle and it's sports fans feel good about themselves if they turn around and steal a team from some other struggling city? For once I totally agree with Mr.Curmudgeon. As a Seattle sports fan I can't hope to subject another city to the BS Seattle just had to endure.

Already I've tried to reconcile my misgivings about stealing another team like a Memphis. I've tried to rationalize that Memphis s a college sports town, that the Grizzlies were moved there from Vancouver, BC not too long ago, and even then it was on a billionaire's whim not due to any huge groundswell of fans begging for an NBA franchise. But it doesn't matter, you can't have a list of caveats wherein it is alright to steal a team from another city. You have to either not care and plunder away with glee or not do it at all. To try to talk oneself into such a theft is what the NBA is counting on. It will only embolden them to let established teams leave in search of "greener pastures". If the city scorned wants a team back bad enough they will steal another franchise from elsewhere.

If this stolen team were to come here and play the current best option is a renovated Key Arena. It is interesting to note that, now, David Stern says a remodel of Key Arena is good enough to receive a team. With these latest statements Stern has done a complete 360 on The Key's viability. In 1995, during a Sonics/Lakers game, The Commish was on the local broadcast stating he thought the former Seattle Center Colosseum was a world class facility. Then, some12 years later, he says that a remodeled Key Arena is a "non-starter" as far as a viable place for the Sonics to continue to play and thus won't be accepted as a means to keep the Sonics here. Now, with our 41 years of history out the door, Stern is back to claiming a remodeled Key is a perfectly fine place for the new team to play. How is anyone expected to trust a single word that comes out of Stern's mouth? I sure don't.

One of the other things that really pisses me off about this whole mess is, as I stated in my previous sonics posts, this: The Sonics organization, for the first time in years, is positioned to become of of the best young franchises in the NBA. We have two young Stars in Kevin Durant and Jeff Green...Their season-long growth was given it's true test in the last two games of the season against the Nuggets and Mavs in which they both posted career highs and made countless big shots in games that were must-wins for the opponent. The idea of these two playing alongside each other and getting only better in the coming years is exciting enough as it is but throw in the fact that we have 6!!!!! first round draft picks in the next 3 years. That includes two this year in one of the more loaded drafts of recent memory.

This was written well before we drafted the point guard of the future, Russel Westbrook, from point guard U, UCLA. His drafting only adds to the sting. Another solid young player to build around, a component that will help out both Jeff Green and Kevin Durant but Seattle doesn't get to reap the rewards. I want so desperately to root for these guys, it kills me. They belong to the enemy now. They no longer play for my Seattle Sonics because that team no longer exists. When I read article saying that Westbrook is the best player not named Kevin Durant in the summer league, it makes me extremely bitter. And I'm already like goddamned lemon. Clay Bennett should just punch me in the face, just to really rub it in.

I feel sorry for the fans, for losing the only mens pro sports team to have ever won a title. I feel sorry that we never got to give The Glove a proper send off and retire his jersey as a way to thank him for all he did for this town. I feel sorry for the city of Seattle, it is less of a place without the Sonics here. I feel sorry for Kevin Calabro, he can longer engage in his love of calling Sonics basketball.

Mostly I feel sorry for KD and Jeff Green. Kevin Durant bought a $2.8 mil house on Mercer Island when he was drafted here last year. He got to enjoy living in a small quiet neighborhood only minutes from downtown. He was surrounded by Lake Washington and as any Seattlite who has been on the lake in a boat on a beautiful summer's day can tell you, there are few better places in the world to be. I've never been to OKC so I can't say what they do on their hot summer days, but I can tell you it's nothing like lamping beachside on mercer island or boating out on the lake. I'm sorry the KD and Jeff only got a small, albeit delicious, taste of Seattle life. I'm sorry that they will now have to call OKC home, no knock on OKC but I doubt there is a soul north from Everett south down to Tacoma that would rather live in Oklahoma. Sorry guys, I wish you could stay and grow in this beautiful northwest haven but David Stern, Clay Bennett, Mayor Nichols, Gov.Gregoire, et al. all didn't see it that way. They fucked up, so you two, like all us fans, have to live with that fuck-up. As much as that may suck. Sorry, again.

Real Men, DO Cry

2008-07-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

Our city just folded before a decision. Before the trial, we were assured this was all about enforcing a lease - that dollars could not be put on our love for the oldest professional team in City. Maybe they knew something we didn't, I wouldn't bet on it.

Nichols said the NBA told him that a renovated Key would be a viable stadium in the league. That comes as a surprise. I thought only 100% publicly financed 500 million dollar stadiums were necessary for a team to make a living in today's NBA.

Nichol's can't save face in this, he can't act like he gives a rats ass. I'm not buying it, he himself admitted to only going to two games in the last decade! He's the goddamn mayor of the City, and he probably only made it out to 1 game in 2004. It's really surprising that for a mayor notorious for pandering to developers like no other, he didn't rally harder for this team and a new world class facility. But then again, he never gave a shit to begin with.

I'm really stoked that Starbucks is closing 600 stores, a very good start indeed. Every time I see a Dunkin Donuts commercial, I say to myself "build it, I will go." Tully's is my option now, that and little underground coffee stands. Schultz, you chicken fat spineless fakest wannabe owner there ever was, you suck! You're one of the bad guys here! I remember feeling good after you first purchased the team, you'd pacing the courtside in your ivy league sweater vests, high fiving fans - I bought it all. Then when it was bad times a few years in a row, you sold the team! The only person that knew this team was leaving more than us, was you... YOU! Kahhhhhhhhhn!!!!!!!

Only now, can we make a decision - because the band-aid has been ripped off. You have a couple of options.

Sit at home and cry jinks hoping that Stern plants another team here once we come up with our arena solution.
Ignore the fucking NBA altogather.
Or the worst of the worst, become a Blazers fan. They deserve more than that, this was a true rivalry we had going, you can't root for them, its not right!

Lets look at the bigger picture my friends, the NBA model is busted. Plain and simple. And the precedent set with the Supes is a dangerous move for the league. If large market teams keep moving to small market cities, where the owners don't have to compete with the NFL and MLB, the league will die. Imagine the LA v Boston rivalry, now imagine that were the Oklahoma City v Omaha rivalry. Yep, its one busted model if the trend continues.

I'm for choice two out of pure spite. Lets put the choke hold on the league and deny them the luxury of putting their product in our city again. The good times I've had, those were good times. Let's not make the same mistake twice.

As my grandfather once put it, "I've been married three times, and divorced three times. Either I'm a bad husband or a piss poor judge of character. I dont need a fourth wife to find out which."

Teamsters Unite! Come Align For The Big Fight

2008-07-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I extolled the virtues of Shawn Chacon for living every working Americans dream by beating down his boss, Astros GM, Ed Wade. I still stand behind these sentiments. But I fully expected for Chacon to lose his job after the incident. Chances are that if you grab your boss by his neck and proceed to slam him to the ground you are going to lose your job, regardless of if you are a highly paid professional athlete. So when Chacon was released by the 'Stros I barely even blinked.

Yesterday, as I was browsing ESPN.com, I came across an article that said the union was grieving Chacon's release as an "unlawful termination". I had to do a double take, and slam my head into the wall to make sure my optics were functioning properly. They were. The players association was really grieving one of the more lawful terminations I'd ever heard of. If pretending that you are on an episode of WWE's Monday Night Raw and chokeslamming your boss to the ground isn't grounds for termination, well, I have no idea what the fuck is.

This brings me to the point of this point of this post. What the fuck good are unions? Don't get me wrong, I understand the history of the unions. I know the struggle the unions went through in their early days fighting for workers rights. Many of the perks I enjoy at my job, like seniority and guaranteed pay, are the products of the groundwork the union laid down years prior. But it seems like the union of today is a joke.

I know my union rep, kind of. He shows up at my work maybe once a month walks around, makes small talk with some people, then leaves. I once tried to file a grievance due to highly inappropriate racial comments made to me by my boss and his 'stache. After I got done explaining to my rep what happened and made clear to him that this really pissed me off, I was expecting some solid advice on my next move. His response to my fuming recounting of the story was"Well, how far do you want to take this? I mean, we can file a grievance but they may very well make life harder for you because you did. I'd say just give him a warning and if it happens again we can think of filing a grievance."

I was shocked. Every paycheck the union bops me for my dues, whether I want to pay or not. When I actually need the union's help this is the type of help I get? So, what good is the union exactly?

I told a co-worker the story who is actually kind of friends with the rep. His advice, you have to engage him in conversation about something he likes. They always discuss hockey. He loves hockey.

Well, that's just fucking great! As I mentioned in my first post all I know about hockey I learned from Blades of Steel. And even if I did know anything about that bastard child 4th sport, why should that even matter? Why do I have to placate the man whose salary I help pay just to get some real advice? That seems to go against what the union is all about.

I get the union making sure I can't get fired for not restocking the beer fridge one time. I'm glad they ensure my job security. At the same time, that job security allows some of my less work inclined co-workers to skate by without fear of reprisal, being fired. Not having to pull your weight but still getting paid the same amount as those that do is Un-American. In fact, that's commie talk right there. Let's just set up breadlines instead of our normal employee meal while we are at it.

I appreciate the union protects me from undue discrimination. I'm glad that i can't get canned after my first minor offense. At the same time the union makes it hard to trim the fat off the workforce.

Case in point, a few years back I had a co-worker who was a notorious flake. In my mind he already had one strike against him because he was hired over me for a position that was never offered to me. This despite the union contract mandating I be given a fair chance at said position. Combine that with the fact I could do his job with my eyes closed where as he needed his hand held the entire time, I yearned to see him get the ax.

For the sake of anonymity we'll call him "Dupey-Doo" or "Dupey" for short. Dupey was constantly struggling to get food out to his suites. He had to be constantly reminded on the smallest things like putting out condiments for his food. His general incompetence would have him shit-canned in no time at a non-union workplace. Lucky for ol' Dupes he had the union safety net to prevent his much deserved dismissal.

Eventually he did get fired. Granted it took one of the more egregious fuck-ups I've witnessed at that place to get it done.

Dupey managed to steal the fruit tray that was destined for the Press Box Suite. He then hid it in the cupboard of one of his suites, a suite that had customers in it. Eventually the customers noticed him sneaking to the cupboard and apparently eating something. They complained to management, who came to his suite for a sit-rep and found him with a mouthful of contraband fruit. After that he got the long overdue boot.

Sadly that was not the end of the Dupester. He managed to mobilize the union to get him his job back, much to everyones chagrin. Bobby Ayala-esque rumors swirled. Did he possess photos of our boss with a goat? Was he connected with the mob and had trigger-men outside someones house?

In reality he just managed to find some loophole and forced the union to act on it. The worst part was that the union heralded his re-hiring as a major win. A real stick in the eye of corporate America. a win for the working man

So I ask, What good is a union? If people like Dupey and Shawn Chacon, who are rightly fired, can get their jobs back via the union, does that mean the union is broken? If there is no motivation in a workplace to go above and beyond, or hell even put forth par effort, is that a sign the union has failed us?

All we ever hear bout steroids these days is "Steroids are bad!" and "So and so did 'roids that means they're bad!". One of the many glossed over parts of the steroid saga is no one wanted steroids out of baseball. The MLB players union fought hard to make sure steroid testing was not in the Collective Bargaining Agreement. They held so much power that neither the Commissioners Office nor the Owners wanted to fight the Union on 'roid testing for fear of another strike. Not that either the Owners or the commissioner wanted to stop the gravy train of the longball era.

So I ask, again, What good is the union?

No drinking, no standing, no heckling the outa towners pretty please

2008-07-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

• Foul, obscene, offensive or abusive language or actions
• Standing and/or obstructing the view of other fans
• Intoxication or other signs of impairment
• Smoking except in designated areas
• Fighting and unruly or inconsiderate behavior
• Obscene or indecent clothing or signs
• Harassment of visiting team fans
• Selling items or tickets in the stadium or on sports complex grounds
• Attempting to sit in a location other than the guest’s ticketed seat

This aint the poster at your local high-school debate club folks! Thems is the rules and secondary cause of why it sucks ass to go to a Kansas City Chiefs game. The first reason is obviously because they suck and lost the best offensive line coach to ever hold the whistle, our very own Mike Solari. No standing!! Are you freaking serious!! Who came up with these goddamn rules, Tipper Gore? Ya gotta be joking! And to think, I thought they had a great tailgating scene, I'd rather shotgun beers in a Sodo alley than go to a tailgate at Arrowhead!

Its about these times that Washington voters always seem to ask themselves, "are we liberal enough? Its time we outdo those do-gooders!"

I'm afraid within 10 years, I wont be able to drink and yell at players who drop passes, even from my own living room.

Enough is Enough and It's Time for a Change

2008-06-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, a candidate who can be trusted

My fellow Ranier beer swigging Mariner fans, for too long have we dwelt in me mediocrity!

Too often have we felt the eerie numb silence that is a lost season!

If the history of this team has taught us anything, it is that it takes a miracle only to achieve a slight modicum of success.

And I for one can stand it no longer! I have straddled the line for a long while and I am dangerously close to cutting my northwest ties and devoting myself full time to the Red Sox nation. An act that makes me physically ill.

I propose to you, my fellow M-Heads, my actions if elected General Manager for the 2009 season. I know, I know, it will probably never happen. Just like a Black man being a viable candidate for the presidency of the nation only forty years after the civil rights movement...

Philosophy: Rebuilding

Anyone who has watched this season unfold thus far should note that rebuilding no longer means dwelling in the basement of the division. This is not basketball here, where players mope and grow indifferent with going through the long grind of a season. No, in the modern era, in which prospects are coveted more than anything, rebuilding is becoming quite the norm.

I propose that the Mariners do everything in our power to start the season with as many young players as possible on staff. While many will deem this foolish, given how weak the farm system compares to the rest of baseball, I am a firm believer that young players can flourish when given a chance to play without constantly fearing a demotion to the minors. A young team grows together and that is the clubhouse I want to foster. A place that sparks cohesion and leads to the unit playing out of their ability. Sound familiar? Its only the same principles that compelled a team of castoffs and unproven talent to win 116 games. Its the same principle that has made the Brewers, Rays, and Diamondbacks viable contenders for the playoffs this season.

Prediction: The Mariners will rebuild, but to a far less drastic degree. If the current team continues to adequate baseball, then look for a comparable roster to begin the season next year. The front office is playing tough at the moment, but we shall see if they are leading with thier head's or their heart's come the trade deadline.

Coach: Larry Bowa

While I want a young team, I want a grumpy old cuss as a coach. If anything, to only avert the impression that this is a soft team. While no one will ever truly recapture the essence of "Sweet" Lou Pinella, the M's certainly need someone with some fire in the belly. Especially after the three previous regimes.

Bowa is a wild man, who has calmed slightly since his time on Joe Torres' staffs. He brings passion to the park and will not accept any laze faire performances on the field. Furthermore, he is an old school hard nose type, who will bring a young team together if only to stay on his good side.

When I think back to spring training 2008, the most compelling storyline was that of the Tampa Bay Rays scuffling with the Yankees over a hard slide by Shelley Duncan. I view this moment as the turning point at which the Rays realized that they no longer had to bend over to what was perceived to be superior competition. Not only did they send a message to the Yankees that game, but they followed it up later in the year, with a scuffle with the Red Sox as well.

With Larry Bowa at the helm, I would be shocked not to see him leading the charge out of the dugout if said situation arose. This is not to say that I condone fighting on the field, so much as I feel that this is a way to gain synergy amongst members of a youthful squad. Bench clearing brawls allow players to realize that they have people backing them. When players back one each other all the time, then the unit has a higher chance of success. Provided that the players do not unite under their great hatred of Larry Bowa, then I see this working out favorably in changing the culture of the franchise.

It should also be noted that I would offer the position of bench coach back to John McLaren. He was the perfect foil to Pinnella and would work very well at mentoring the youngsters along. His abilities are comparable to that of Bob Melvin, who failed in Seattle, but has succeeded in an environment in which his calm demeanor is favorable.

It is my hope that in 2009, McLaren will be right there with a steaming cup of hot cocoa after a pitcher gets called into Bowa's office to be verbally lambasted. Kind of like the Oscar and Felix of the clubhouse.

Prediction: Jim Riggleman

Riggleman actually fits this mold as well, albeit in a more controlled manner. The M's will probably finish out the year playing like a .500 ball club and that will probably be enough to keep him on staff.

First Base: Kenji Johjima

First things first, we are designating Richie Sexson for assignment. Not only are we doing so in the middle of a home stand, but we are doing so immediately before he comes to the plate for his first at bat. Immediately following the announcement, Steam's 1969 "Kiss Him Goodbye (Na Na Na Na)" will be played for forty five minutes straight on a continuous loop. My only regret is that I have been brought in too late for this to occur on Richie Sexson bobblehead night.

In terms of the field, I want Kenji Johjima learning the position. I expect a steep learning curve, but I never agreed with the concept of him catching for my team full team. If I bring on a non-native speaking catcher, I am leaning towards those of Latin decent, due largely to the versatility of the language. Both Erik Beddard and Carlos Silva have openly complained about tossing to Johjima, which leads me to believe that their is no cohesion between pitchers and catchers. Jeff Clement is young enough to grow my future arms (Aumont, Morrow, Hernandez) and Johjima's contract is too large to deal him. Since his bat is not good enough to DH full time, the only way he makes this team is at first.

Designated Hitter: Bryan LaHair

Their is also a large part of me that wants to cut bait with Jose Vidro as well, but after much deliberation I feel it best to let him ride out the season on the the bench. Vidro reminds me a lot of Stan Javier, the perpetually underrated pinch hitter that was a major cog in the 2001 big blue machine. If he takes a pay cut on his vesting option, I would consider him for the bench. Otherwise he is most certainly finishing his career in 2009 as an unsigned free agent.

Sexson's roster spot will be given to Bryan LaHair, whom will start out as DH. From what I have been told, this kid flat out rakes. While I rarely believe what I read about Mariner prospects, I will take my chances over Mr. 220. I predict LaHair to be comparable to Casey Blake of the Cleveland Indians. Classic moneyball player.

Second Base: Yung Chi Chen

Jose Lopez must be dealt ASAP. His value is very high now, due to his incredible ability to produce brilliant half seasons. I know that the previous GM had envisioned Betancourt and Lopez growing up together as a double play tandem, but we have all seen where his logic got us. Meanwhile, I have watched enough professional wrestling to insist that sometimes the best tag teams are comprised of a rehash of an old idea with new pieces. DX version two perhaps? The one with X-Pac, Badass Billy Gunn, and The Road Dogg, over Sean Michaels, HHH, and Chyna? How about NWO Wolfpack versus NWO Black?

Case and point. Lopez can be dealt for prospects, preferably of the pitching variety, and Yung Chi Chen will be brought up from AAA. I heard that he was MLB ready at the beginning of the season and if anything he will only be a modest drop off talent wise.

This off season has a particularly bad free agent class, meaning that I have no intention throwing top value dollars at mid level players. This being said, we are selling where we are strong and filling in holes when we can.

Prediction: Lopez will maintain his numbers for the entire season, prompting the front office to keep him on staff. His contract will also factor into this decision, as he is signed through 2010 at a reasonable rate.

Shortstop: Yuniesky Betancourt

Shortstop is actually a position of strength in the farm system, given the ridiculous contracts Bill Bavasi handed out to several foreign born prospects. Still, these players are at least a couple of years away from truly showing their talents.

That being said, Betancourt is the man for now. Hopefully he continues to improve, as he is locked up until 2011. Ideally he will play out of his mind for a half season, like he did in 2007 and we can deal him to a competitor. If not, then his play is still consistent enough to warrant a starting position.

Prediction: Yuniesky Betancourt

Probably the biggest no brainer on the list. The chances of upgrading at this position are scarce and he is still young enough that he could develop into an All Star yet. The modern shortstop position is not nearly what it used to be in the late 90's.

Third Base: Adrian Beltre

This one goes against a lot of my theories, as Beltre may be one of the more trade able veterans on staff. Still, the farm system lacks any real possible breakthrough stars at third, barring the Tuiasosopo kid catching fire.

Beltre has played well enough to warrant his contract (which is actually quite reasonable by today's standards) and he would be a solid bastion for a youthful infield. I wish that he was a better leader of men, but this is to be expected from another Bavasi hiring.

Prediction: Adrian Beltre

Baseball pundits are calling for the M's to deal Beltre to kick start the rebuilding effort. While he has value on the market, he does have a limited no trade clause. Thank agent Scott Boras for that one.

Third base is the premiere position in baseball now, with many budding stars (Evan Longoria, Alex Gordon, Kevin Kouzmanoff) coming into their own. Since Beltre is on the books for 2009, it is highly unlikely that a team like the Dodgers will take him on at the sacrifice of developing their own corner stalwart.

Outfield: Ichiro, Jeremy Reed, Wladimir Balentin

Ichiro is a God in Seattle. I know that this sentiment has caused some derisive rumblings in the
clubhouse, but the city would never allow him to be dealt.

The knock on Ichiro as of late revolves around his ability to lead. Like Erik Bedard, he is a rather introverted individual, who prefers to lead through example. But, he does have the ability to cause a stir, if prompted to.

Take his performance in the World Baseball Classic. In that given situation he was surrounded by his fellow countrymen, who looked at him as a once in a lifetime athlete. Think Michael Jordan if he had joined the Wizards in his prime. Ichiro not only fired the team up through public comments regarding arch nemesis Korea, he single handedly forced the team to get better, by adding an element of grit to his game.

Not only did he play hard, but his cadence in the locker room was that of a man who would accept nothing less than perfection from his teammates. Truth be told, this was the only time that I have ever watched Ichiro's mannerisms and believed him to be a viable coach in the future.

Still, ideally the coach will handle the leadership role and Ichiro can be allowed to do his own thing. If 2001 proved anything, its that Ichiro can get along in the clubhouse if the team is winning. What people forget about that year, was that he was permanently affixed next to Lou Pinnella, whenever he was in the dugout. Having a manager that Ichiro respects is the key to channeling his abilities.

I will not be bringing back Raul Ibanez. I like him a lot. I always have. I still think he can play at a high level and in many ways would be great if moved back to first base.

However the Mariners have too long of a history of holding onto sentimental players for far too long. While it was fun watching Edgar Martinez and Dan Wilson rot in front of our eyes, I just can't continue the tradition. The synergy of the team has been week ever since his arrival, so he doesn't have the same club house clout. Raul, its been fun, but your spot in the outfield is better served going to a prospect or a low level free agent (Kevin Mench, Juan Rivera, or Willy Mo Pena perhaps).

The rest of the outfield is a wash. Willie Bloomquist will never be more than a poor man's Mark McLemore. Wladimir Balentin is probably a year or so away from showing his true talent. Mike Morse is an embarrassment to the organization and should have been dealt a when he had value.

The only real hope lies in Jeremy Reed. The same Jeremy Reed that was at the centerpiece of the Freddy Garcia trade. The same guy who could have landed the M's either Clay Bucholz or John Lester from the Red Sox two years ago.

While Reed has always underperformed, he still projects to be a Lenny Dykstra type outfielder, who would compliment Ichiro well at the top of the order. Let's allow him to enter the season as the starter in center, without anyone directly chasing him. This will be the best way to gauge how much he has matured in his two years since being demoted to the minors.

Prediction: Jeremy Reed, Ichiro, Mike Cameron

The Mariners have been notorious for treating their outfield like a turnstile. 2009 will not be any different. Reed will be given a short leash, probably getting most of his playing time in late innings as a defensive replacement. Balentin will start the season on the bench and lose out on valuable at bats. And of course, the front brass will sleep on any undervalued veterans and settle for a has been big bat.

Mike Cameron fits the mold the best, as he will command less money than some of the big names on the open market and Mariners faithful still have fond memories of his time roaming the field. He also became fast friends with Ichiro and will be a boon to his attitude entering a year with an unproven squad.

Starting Rotation: Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Carlos Silva, Jarrod Washburn, Brandon Morrow

Closer: Phillip Aumont

Erik Bedard, if we are lucky, can be resigned. I honestly feel that the biggest mistake the Mariners made was by naming him the opening day starter. If anyone has read an interview about the guy, they should see that he is not a spotlight type of player. In Baltimore, he was an overachiever in a bad situation. After the trade he was suddenly viewed as Baseball Jesus in the northwest. After all, Seattle only gave up more for him than the Met's did for Johan Santana.

But I digress.

Felix is our Jordan figure and Bedard can be a Pippen, provided we get him in good with Clement.

With C.C. Sabathia recently shipped to Milwaukee and Rich Harden sent to Chicago, their is a chance that Bedard could fetch interest at the trade deadline. Nothing would disgust me more than taking five cents on the dollar for Bavasi's biggest acquisition. Unless a can't miss outfield prospect is offered, then the M's would be wise to avoid cutting bait early.

Morrow needs to be starting. No questions asked. I am going to be like Hank Steinbrenner on the Joba issue about this. I am sick of hearing the hype and seeing him pitching out of the bullpen.

Putz is coming back soon enough (hopefully successfully so we can trade him) and we have Josh Fields, who is very close to being big league ready. Closer is the most over rated position in baseball. So while other teams push K-Rod and Brian Fuentes into a new tax bracket, I am targeting middle relievers with my dollars. I want my budget in the $80 million range maximum, but I think that this is achievable through relying more on youth than veterans. Still, Dan Wheeler and Juan Rincon are much higher on my wish list than Trevor Hoffman or Jason Isringhausen. It is my intention to groom Aumont like Morrow this season and have him eventually move to starting next year when Fields is called up.

I am actually relatively content with the spot starters and long relief. When Washburn and Batista are off the books in 2010, I will be ecstatic.

It is really a shame that Silva is only an adequate pitcher, as his competitive fire is greatly appreciated. I hope that he can help in mentoring some of the staff.

Prediction: Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard, Carlos Silva, Miguel Batista, Jarrod Washburn
Closer: J.J. Putz

The brass adores Putz and will not trade him. Morrow will start in the bullpen and be moved into the starting rotation finally when the imminent starter injury occurs sometime in June.

Bedard will be dangled at the trade deadline, but his lingering injuries will be enough to scare off any interested suitors.

Expect at least one more over priced arm added to the fold.

Free Agents: Dan Wheeler, Brendan Donnelly, Hideki Okajima, Juan Rincon, Juan Rivera, Bobby Abreu, Freddy Garcia

Wheeler's cost is going to be driven up if the Rays season continues at this pace. Donnelly on the other hand, is a retread, that if given an opportunity can still throw heat.

Rivera is in a similar position, as he has yet to recover from a broken leg suffered last year. He will be cheap and hungry to prove himself.

Abreu is my dream player for the outfield, as his presence would make this roster ideal for small ball. However it is almost assured that he will re up in New York. This is probably for the best, as his lack of leadership qualities are what single handedly contributed to him getting booed out of Philly.

Garcia may seem like a sacriligeous name on this list, but if he is not signed this season, he will be available for a minor league deal, (think Bartolo Colon in Boston). Garcia may be soft and not nearly as dominant as he once was, but hew thrives as a lower tiered starter. Anytime a team can add a former ERA champion for a minimal contract you make that move.

Prediction: Ben Sheets, Pat Burrell, Adam Dunn, Mike Cameron, Ken Griffey Jr.

If the Mariners look to address pitching through free agency, they will most certainly end up with an oft injured phenom. Thankfully, I am going to assume that they learned their lesson with Bedard.

What is all but guaranteed, is that the M's will sign on underachieving slugger to fill in the gaping void left by Sexson.

The next GM would be wise to jump all over Griffey if he is in fact available, as it will buy the franchise one year to develop before fan duress takes over. While I personally would rather see a young team gel together and prosper, I would welcome back "The Kid" for one last run.

So there you have it M's fans. Unlike the presidential candidates, I have actually laid out for you exactly what I intend to do if elected to general manager in 2009. And just like Ralph Nader, I will sit back and watch someone else screw everything up and use these failures as confirmation that I was right all along...

Major League Baseball: Bastion of Professionalism

2008-06-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

Shawn Chacon, Working Class Hero

In a non-Seattle related sports story *gasp* Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon may be out of a job. Not a big deal, right? He's probably sucks, you say. Actually, of the little I know about the 'Stros, he is their best pitcher. Well then what possible reason could Houston have for wanting to get rid of him?

The answer? Performing an act we have all spent countless work hours dreaming about over our working careers. He went all Undertaker on his boss, GM Ed Wade, during a heated argument where Wade would not get out of Chacon's face. Check out the full story here.

Way to go Shawn Chacon, we here at NLS tip our cap to you. Here's to you for pulling of a feat I have dreamed about since I was advising people not to rent "Master of Disguise", to no avail, at the local video store. In your choke slamming your boss you have become a hero to working class Americans everywhere, way to be.

Perhaps next time my boss pulls out the classic "Are you working or are you watching?" line despite witnessing me bust my hump all day, I'll rise up like Mr.Chacon and let him have it. I can see my boss and his mustache quivering in fear as security pulls me off him, it warms my heart. Keep the dream alive Shawn.

How Ya Like Me Now?

2008-06-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

According to Jose Romero over at The Times the 'Hawks have signed rookie long snapper, Tyler Schmitt. I, for one, am super stoked about the signing of the 6th round pick.

Many people questioned GM Tim Ruskell's sanity when he took this kid in the 6th, when normally long snappers are undrafted free-agents signings, not something to "waste" a draft pick on. I, however, trusted the man. I saw how horrid our long snapping was last year, which is why I defended the pick thusly in my 'Hawks '08 Draft recap.

rd.6 #189 Schmitt, again. This time it's Tyler Schmitt long-snapper from San Diego State. Some people questioned the logic of taking a long-snapper in the 6th round when they are normally picked up as undrafted free-agents after the draft. But anyone who watched the 'Hawks vs. Saints game last year knows just exactly how important a long-snapper can be.

I was vindicated by a this little video out on the always brilliant FieldGulls.com. Here you can see why, exactly, the 'Hawks felt like "wasting a pick" on this guy. His snapping is just gorgeous. After being subjected to the painful events of long snapping last year, watching this workout really gets me excited.

Seeing Tyler hit the "perfect laces" drill 9/10 times(the last he missed cuz he was pressing to be a perfect 10/10) I feel like something out of a Tex Avery cartoon. My eyes pop out of my head and grow absurdly large as my jaw hits the floor and my tongue rolls out like a red carpet. This is followed by a guttural howl of appreciation and admiration, to let 'em know, I'm diggin it.

Just look at how tight those spirals are. And he's SNAPPING the ball!!! I know most of us here at NLS couldn't dream of having a spiral that tight throwing it normally. Granted, we are a bunch of pale "indoor" kids, for the most part. Point remains, I don't think we are going to see very many botched punts/kicks this year due to long snapping. And that makes me a happy panda.

I said that the '08 Draft class was The New Mutants, and that we would have to see who is ready to contribute on the X-Men(The 'Hawks). If that's the case then Tyler is "Armor", a character from Joss "Buffy" Whedon's arc on the X-Men. A person who wasn't even a blip on the radar to join the team that made the jump to the X-Men faster than anyone would have thought, when given the opportunity. To me, my X-Men!

Page 2 luv for Seattle

2008-06-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

It's great getting a little love when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Currently, I'm watching the M's win a big one, 10-0 8th in NYM land, and reading this ESPN Page2 article from Jim Caple:

Bennett acknowledged during the trial that Key Arena has excellent sight lines for watching basketball but dismissed this as inconsequential. Meanwhile, he complained that the arena isn't large enough to account for separate seating areas with special amenities for the wealthiest fans. So what interests Bennett and fellow owners is further establishing the stratification of classes in our society. This is the precise opposite of why we value sports. Sports should unite a community, giving young and old, rich and poor, doctors and laborers, meat lovers and vegans something they all can cheer. Instead, the new wave of sports arenas and stadiums further divides us into the rich who have private clubs, the richer who have private clubs and private ushers, and the richest who sit in luxury suites with the darkened windows sealed and their backs turned to the action while they watch the games on plasma screen TVs.

An Exercise in Fine Simile and Metaphor

2008-06-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

Remember that episode of "The Simpsons” in which Lyle Lanley (voiced by the late great Phil Hartman) convinces the town of Springfield to purchase a monorail with excess city funds? You know the one that Leonard Nimoy made a cameo in?

Yes of course you do.

In retrospect, that episode is eerily similar to Bill Bavasi era of Mariner baseball. After the city grew weary of Pat Gillicks’ disdain for major activity as a GM, it succumbed to the allure of a salacious shill. A rook, which brought promises of greatness. Of prosperity. Of Championships.

This and more could all be achieved… Through investing just a tad bit more cash than normally allotted. In the range of say, twenty million.

The logic made sense at the time. The Mariners had remained a fringe contender for the better part of the decade. Imagine adding one more potent bat to the 2003 lineup that won 97 games and still came in second in the division. Or for that matter, another solid pitcher to the 2002 team that won 93 games and finished third.

And so under Bavasi’s rule, Seattle took the gambit and became a large market team.

Then immediately began playing like a small market team.

Coaches were fired. Players vilified.

It did not take long for the mojo to die.

And in the end, Mariners faithful and the residents of Springfield were faced with the same dilemma. A train wreck to clean up.

My biggest fear entering this season was the fact that it was common knowledge that Bavasi was on his last rope with management. Desperate GM’s are always scary, as they mortgage everything on the hopes of a playoff appearance that will assure them job security. This is why we traded for Erik Beddard, why we were rumored to be getting Griffey for months and why we cut bait on Brad Wilkerson’s 3 million dollar contract.

But we have taken the first step to righting the ship. Bavasi is no more. Seattle bars are still replenishing their supplies of bourbon after the announcement was made.

Seattle also bid adieu to Jon McLaren. A necessary move, yes. However McLaren never really stood a chance. When his contract was extended entering this season, it reminded me of “Transformers: Heavy Metal,” when Optimus Prime bequeaths the Autobot matrix to Ultra Magnus. A soldier thrust into a leadership role. You would have thought that Seattle would be cognizant to the perils of promoting longtime assistants after the Bob Weiss debacle.

So the stage is set for a new era in Mariners baseball. Which direction will they go? What moves will they make? That is for time to decide.

In the meantime, while I wait it out, I am going to go watch the episode of “The Simpsons” where Bart saws the head off of the statue of Jebediah Springfield. You know the one where he hangs out with Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph? The one where he redeemed himself by admitting his character flaws and threw himself upon the mercy of the mob?

Howard Lincoln, I suggest you go dig out the DVD player and look this one up. It’s a classic.

It was only yesterday...

2008-06-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Watching Ray Allen set the 3 point record in game 6 the other night brought me back a few years. It seems like only yesterday shortly after turning 21, that I got the chance to watch the Supes pwn the Spurs - live at a bar, it was great.

I got completely belligerent with my fellow Seattleites, yelling, clapping, drinking, and chest bumping as the Sonics went on to win their first game in the 2nd round of the playoffs. My Dad and brother were at the game, so we all met up afterward as the arena was emptying out. Everyone was totally stoked and rowdy. Fans from all molds - skinny, fat, black, white, bald, dreaded, stoned, sober -- you name it (we're a diverse bunch); we were all together as one, basking in the short term glory of a 2nd round playoff win. None of this would be possible without #34 Ray Allen.

I spent the long walk to the car cheerfully chanting with my bro, "FUCK THE SPURS, FUCK THE SPURS, FUCK THE SPURS." Clearly we were drunk off of our asses, but nonetheless, the feeling of winning in the playoffs and pure inebriation overcame me like a 200 hundred dollar bar tab and a last-call whore.

I attended the rally on Monday, chanting Save our Sonics, Gary, Super [pause] Sonics!, and whatever else the crowd felt like yelling. It reminded me of the comradery I shared with these otherwise total strangers shortly after becoming 21. The day after rallying in front of the court house, I got to see Ray Allen win a ring with a team that has also had a similar terrible stretch minus an unexpected playoff run 2 years ago (17 Championships is another realm of glory). I have also had the pleasure to see Gary play for the Heat and win their Championship in 2006. Through them, I have felt like a winner and a Champ as well. It fills me with great pride that my heroes who've escaped the shitty decade of Wally Walker have gone onto winning it all with another team (And Gary getting it without Malone and the Lakers is even sweeter!!!!!).

Isn't it ironic, that a man who was a minority owner for the team that took our hopes of a championship in the 2nd round only a few years back, manifests into the creeper that conspires to take our very team away?

I have more respect for a man who let's me know where he stands, even if he's wrong. Than the one who comes up like an angel and is nothing but a devil. - Malcolm X

"Where do we go from here?The words are coming out all weird..." More On The Bavasi Firing

2008-06-17T01:24:00.000-07:00

In an effort to realize the deep seeded fears I expressed in my previous post Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong answered questions from the press corps after announcing the firing of GM Bill Bavasi. Suffice it to say, their answers did little to quell the mounting fears growing in my heart.

I could find no official transcript of the press conference but luckily for me DMZ at USSMariner did his best to transcribe what he could. So that's where i will be pulling my quotes from. "L" denotes Howard Lincoln and "A" denotes Chuck Armstrong.

It is interesting to note that for most of the season upper management has been publicly backing Bavasi and said he was doing a "good job" despite the fact he obviously was not.

When asked something along the lines of "How is this ship going to right itself?" Howard responds
L: I’m sure our players and coaches will get going and get this thing turned around. New approach, new thoughts, new direction. But we’re all responsible. Players, coaches, managers, all of us.
This is what bothers me about Lincoln and Armstrong. There is no mention that He or Chuck Armstrong are responsible. He says "all of us" but still leaves the responsibility squarely on the players and managers. Pass that buck, Howie.

When asked about he fact that he was a part of he decisions that led to this happening, Amrstrong passes the buck again.
A: We’ve been improving every year since 2004, seemed to me we were doing great, didn’t want to change horses in midstream. All of us, and all of you, recognized that we made some great moves, thought we’d get even better.
First off improving every year after nearly losing 100 games is not hard.

Second what great moves did "we" all recognize and in doing so think we would get better? If the FO really believes many of Bavasi's moves made us better, then they are horribly out of touch with reality.

These beliefs without any given evidence to back them up is what scares the crap out of me. Hiring a new general manger shouldn't hinge on some antiquated belief system lacking any kind of supporting evidence, i.e. "He's been around baseball for a long time so he must know what makes a good team."

When asked about John McLaren's job security...
L: John’s our manager. I’m not in the mood to sing the praises of anyone right now. I expect John and the players to get going and turn this thing around, and if that doesn’t happen, further changes.
"...John and the players to turn it around."? How do they expect this to happen, exactly? The no-talent bums with over sized contracts prior to BB's firing are still the same no talent bums wit over-sized contracts post-firing.

Richie Sexson, open stance and all, won't suddenly become the Richie Sexson of 2004-2005 era and magically recover his long lost bat-speed.

No firing will me cringe any less when Jarrod Washburn comes back out for the 6th after 95 pitches thrown This is because nothing has changed, he won't all of sudden be able to go deeper into ball games, and also not suck. Tremendously.

Q: You said Bill was awesome

A: Things got worse (he’s mad about this question)

Q: Where are you going to get names?
A: I know a lot of people in baseball, I’ll talk to the commish, come up with a list of names. It’ll be hard to interview people.

Q: Do you have a mental list already?
A: Yes.

Q: Are you satisfied with the job Chuck is doing?
L: Yes. I’m not oblivious to the blogs. I’m not oblivious to the emails we receive. … my entire focus is getting this turned around, don’t take lightly, I believe in it, M’s are part of the community, fans deserve to see it get turned around, they’re as disappointed as I am. I serve at the pleasure of the 7-person board, Nintendo, pleasure of Nintendo as well. I’ve let the ownership group and Nintendo know that I bear ultimate responsibility, they appreciate that.

I enjoyed that Armstrong is annoyed that the reporters ask about his recent "Bill's doing a great job!" stance of just over a month ago. I mean, c'mon, you publicly stated you were behind the man, despite the fact that watching Neil LaBute's 2006 "The Wicker Man" remake is a more enjoyale experience than catching an M's game. And then to get all butt-hurt about the question is ridiculous. Though, I guess if I had no real explanation to why I went from singing the praises of my crappy GM when we were losing, to firing him mere weeks later when nothing has really changed, I may be a little testy too.

The statement that sent chill's down my spine? The comment of talking to the people he's known in baseball for his twenty-some-odd-years. This team doesn't need a mind steeped in the traditional, old, out dated ideas of Armstrong's long time friends in baseball. We had that, often, and it doesn't work. In fact, it's long crippled this team, and is posed to cripple this team in the future if that is the direction the organization takes.

This team needs new blood, new ways to look at things, fresh approaches to the problems the team faces. Throwing obscene amounts of money at crap-tastic free-agents is not sustainable means to build a winning team. The Mariners need to look at organizations like The Tampa Bay Rays or The Cleveland Indians as a guideline. But unlike those two teams the M's play in much larger market, and thus, have far more resources to put into the team. This gives them an advantage that, if done properly, to remain competitive while rebuilding.

The Man for the job, Chris Atonetti . The guy helped turn Cleveland into the team it is today after suffering through a stretch not too dissimilar from the '04-current stretch of M's suckitude. I, and many other far more educated people, believe his fresh take is exactly what he M's need.

Also Lincoln is aware of blogs? News to me. I had no idea he was aware of the series of tubes that is the interwebs. Nothing, from the way they interact with the fans, to the way they evaluate talent leads me to believe they are very techno savvy.

There's more genius stuff, but my keyboard is on the fritz ad it's becoming increasingly annoying to attempt to type. Go to USSMariner, to see what else Chuck and Howie had to say, then bang your head into a wall out of frustration. I'll attempt to post more on this late if I don't end up throwing my computer out the window.

Bill Bavasi Fired! "And There Was Much Rejoicing."

2008-06-16T12:25:00.001-07:00

As loyal readers of the blog know, I have a very passionate dislike for Bill Bavasi. So when I heard rumors that he was to be fired after the Mariners were swept at home by the worst team in the National League, I was giddy with anticipation. "Could this possibly be true?" I wondered. "Or is it just another cruel trick?" Minutes later it was confirmed Bavasi's horrible regime was brought to an end. Time to use out tanks to tear down those giant bronze Bavasi statues he had erected around Safeco field.

Tons has been written about why Bill Bavasi was one of the worst GM's in the league. Much of it by me. Often ranting against this evil tyrant as I saw him turn my childhood team into a mockery of sport. But most of what I wrote was from an emotional level with a few examples thrown in in attempts to make my point. But to truly grasps why Bill Bavasi is like the Neil Young song "The Needle and The Damage Done" you should read this well thought out post on BaseballAnalysts.com by Dave of USSM fame, entitled Mariners Foibles.

I am extremely excited about this move, as one might imagine. A chance at a new beginning for everyone is exactly what this organization needs. The New GM, when hired, will bring in his own coaching staff and we will finally be rid of John McLaren, his insipid explanations/rationalizations, terrible in game strategy and shameful lineup construction.

At the same time my head is soaring in the clouds like I just re-lost my virginity, my heart is gripped with a very real and tangible fear. That fear is this, the person who is hired in the off-season to replace Bavasi will be only a slightly marked improvement and will be in the same "old school baseball" mindset, only paying lip service to the proven tools of statistical analysis.

Let us not forget that the root of the evil that plagued this ball club remains intact, Chuck Armstrong and Howard Lincoln. These are the two people that hired Bavasi in the first place.

When Pat Gillick left the team after the '03 season Armstrong and Lincoln presided over the search and hiring of the next man to run this team. Out of all the many qualified GM's, many who have gone on to be successful elsewhere, these two chose Bavasi to be their man.

Nothing in the 5 years since that point has shown me, a dyed in the wool M's fan, that the mindset that led the Front Office to hire Bavasi, has changed in the least. Or that the abuse my beloved franchise has gone through these past years will end anytime soon.

The FO still talks to their fans like they believe that the fans feeble minds cannot truly grasps the will of God. That the moves they make in order to "better" the team, while seems odd and obtuse to the casual fan, would be made perfectly clear if the fans had the "baseball knowledge" and resources the FO does. And this type of talking down to the fan base infuriates me to no end.

I have followed the M's since The Kid was just a kid, fresh out of high school. Not the future first ballot Hall of Famer who just hit 600. Most of my life of watching the M's I was a casual observer, stuck in the old baseball modes, it was all I had ever known. Years later I would read a little book called Moneyball, in which the author lays out how A's GM Billy Beane fields a competitive team year in and year out on a minuscule budget. I saw then, the cracks in the Mariners facade, but did not fully grasps how deep those cracks went.

A couple years after that I was introduced, by a friend, to UssMariner.com. A Mariners website with a Moneyball-ish bent. It was here that I was shown all that truly plagued the team, not the crap like chemistry and grit that the local beat writers loved spewing on about.

I can see clearly now that if there is any hope that the fortunes of my team to be turned around that it must start at the top. That change could come in the form of a change of heart/mindset in the FO, but a complete 180 degrees change in terms of thought processes are rare. The more likely way to attain this change would be a cleaning of the house.

Short of one of those two events taking place it is hard for me to see a true change coming. I hope so very much that by some stroke of fate that the FO goes with the change of heart. That they now see we live in the 21st century. And that people who use the many statistical tools to help guide decisions do so not because they seek to rip the soul and mystique out of the game but because time and again this tools have been proven highly effective.

If they embrace this forward thinking approach to the game I will be the happiest man alive. Then I can openly root for this team without fear that their success only emboldens poor decision making, something I long to do so very much. Sadly, I worry that this will not be the case and in 5 years from now I will be writing about the sorry state the team is in, still. Please, Chuck and Howie, prove me wrong. I will love you for it.

Sonic Boom legal team had this to say:

2008-06-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

"Leases are generally not specifically enforceable"

I'm going to keep this nice and short, I promise.

I have a hard time holding back my anger when I see a new angle to this complicated web of a situation that Clay Bennett has woven us into. We are near the 11th hour folks. Its common knowledge that no matter what happens after Leasegate, Judge Pechman's ruling will be appealed, so this is just a popcorn trial for the time being. It will be nice to see what Sonic Boom's legal team will come up with other than "whaaaa whaaa whaaa we're losing money!" because "boo-hoo" is all I will have to say (SLAM!)

To the point already!

Wiley Williams, Oklahoma City's assistant municipal counselor, had sent a letter to Yarmuth on May 8 indicating his city would take legal action if the Sonics didn't honor the Ford Center lease agreement Bennett has already signed, even if control of the team ultimately is taken away by Schultz's suit.

Richard Yarmuth is the (awesome) attorney representing Howard Schultz (funny that my spell check [os 10.5] says the correct spelling is schmaltz - which is yiddish for chicken fat).

This quote from Wiley last month sets a new obstacle in retaining our team. If we win both cases, the Sonics have to play the remainder of the lease in Seattle and sold to a new investment group with interest to keep them in Seattle. However, Oklahoma seems to agree that a lease is a lease is a lease - if there is no buyout agreement accomplished, then the lease remains intact! Whereas the Sonics ownership is fighting to do the opposite, if no agreement is met, a settlement in court takes place where grievances from either side are heard and depending on the ruling, a buyout amount may be set and enforced.

Now I don't know who I stand with. The new best-case scenario seems to be -

Sonic Boom wins Lease-gate.
City of Seattle appeals the decision - to buy time keeping the team in Seattle for the next season.
Schultz wins his lawsuit - Sonic Boom is sold to a Seattle based investment group.
Supersonics take Oklahoma City to court to settle what a 15 year buyout costs.

No matter what happens in the courtroom in the following 2 weeks, a precedent will be set that may have a direct effect on how (and if) we get to keep the team. If the City of Seattle wins this case, and Schultz the next, the Sonics may need to take a 15 year hiatus in Oklahoma City before coming back with our loyal management group.

Food for thought - imagine that the latter happens, and Sonic Boom wins two championships in the 15 years in Oklahoma city before returning home - does that make for another painful thorn in the side of a Seattle fan? 40+ years in Seattle, 1 trophy; 15 in Oklahoma City, 2 trophies?

Whatever happens my friends, the worst is over. Either the scar heals, or the band-aid gets torn off and we bleed to death.

Snitch three and you go free... not so all of a sudden!

2008-06-10T17:51:00.000-07:00

For better or worse, a liar and a cheat ought not be trusted- or listened to for that matter. However the latest coming out of the Tim Donaghy circle must be atleast read, and rejected if you so please.

I'm a big believer that big time sports can be rigged. The Black Sox did it, why cant officials? Hell, Tim Donaghy ADMITTED to doing it; and now, with sentencing looming, he's alleged that the Celtics vs Lakers series is rigged. Thats where it ends, it really starts out playful and innocent- a la referees using team facilites (not the bathrooms doofus), playing tennis with owners, and receiving rim jobs from star athletes on the roster (sans jelly).

I was disregarding nearly everything said like a Steelers fan when the subject of "officiating" and "superbowl xl" comes up, but the responses from NBA executive vice president and general counsel Richard Buchanan and Lamell McMorris, head of the NBA referees union made me reconsider my viewpoint. Maybe it wasn't in relation to what Donaghy specifically said, because he's a jerkoff anyway, but it made me think of the people above him, the even bigger jerkoffs whose sputum can be directly linked to David Stern's gold member.

From ABC7

"According to Mr. Donaghy, all of his allegations have previously been made to the FBI and the U.S. Attorney, and they are clearly being disclosed now as part of his desperate attempt to lighten the sentence that will be imposed for his criminal conduct," the statement read. "The NBA remains vigilant in protecting the integrity of our game and has fully cooperated with the government at every stage of its investigation. The only criminal activity uncovered is Mr. Donaghy's." ~ Buchanan

Lets run through this one sentence at a time.

According to Mr. Donaghy, all of his allegations have previously been made to the FBI and the U.S. Attorney, and they are clearly being disclosed now as part of his desperate attempt to lighten the sentence that will be imposed for his criminal conduct

I can understand that the NBA doesn't want its diapers rubbed in national news programs. That statement is fine by me, though funny that he needs to TELL US that Donaghy is only trying to lighten his sentence, if this was really non-news, I'm sure a statement would not be necessary. But because these allegations ARE news, the following is brought to you by Vice Czar of the NBA:

The NBA remains vigilant in protecting the integrity of our game and has fully cooperated with the government at every stage of its investigation.

Of course, because the NBA does have integrity issues. And I'm not just talking about the plight of our beloved Sonics, the best team to ever touch a basketball until fucktard Schultz sold the team to fucktard Bennett. I'm talking about Lakers v Kings game 7, the new basketball, Tim Donaghy himself etc... Remember after the Tim Donaghy scandal came out? We only heard two things; He's guilty (he confessed to it, duh) and that Tim is an isolated event, nobody else who calls fouls in a game is guilty or associated with violating the integrity of a The Game, PERIOD. And if there were a shred of doubt, I'm sure we'd all hear about it, because after all, the NBA is vigilant about their integrity crisis.

The only criminal activity uncovered is Mr. Donaghy's.

Thats just a slap in the face. This is like last throes Hillary rhetoric. Its a garbage statement, and if were in email form, I'm sure Mr. Buchanan would say that what he meant to say was "The only criminal activity uncovered is Mr. Donaghy's if it were deemed no other officials have mob connections" but we havent heard anything about that, and I'm sure we wont, unless somebody outside the NBA says so first!

"Tim Donaghy has had honesty and credibility issues from the get-go," the statement read. "He is a convicted felon who has not yet been sentenced for the criminal conduct he has already admitted to. He may be willing to say anything to help his cause and he may believe these most recent allegations will help his agenda. I'm not aware of any improper conduct by any current NBA referee in the playoffs six years ago or any conspiracy by the NBA to affect the outcome of any game then or now. Frankly we're tired of Tim Donaghy's cat and mouse games." ~McMorris

What a load of jesus jizz! And we're expected to lap it up like hungry hungry whores! Fizzuuuuck Thaaaaaat! Look McMasterbate, once the Brooklyn Bridge is doubled in length, eight lanes wide, retrofitted to service light rail, connects Bellevue to Seattle, and all on Clay Bennetts dollar semicolon I'm going to take that statement with a grain of salt. You're fucking nuts to believe we are going to just accept what you're saying here.

Tim has about as much honesty issues as a drug dealer whom when approached gives the cops 3 names, and ... those people don't get arrested? I know a few people who wished everybody went with your logic on this one. While I'm sure Saddam would say before the Military Tribunal "Well North Korea actually has a nuke, Genocide is actually occurring right now in Darfur, and Iran is a bunch of imbeciles" only a fool wouldn't believe him and it wouldn't help his sentence one bit.

While I'm sure Tim would say anything to make his situation better, your tone comes off more as an accomplice, than a witness. And for that, one more fan has to wonder, wtf is going on in the NBA? Because even with your efforts made in good faith to all fans of the NBA, Seattleites know what they're worth.

10 Things You Must Do Before You Die

2008-06-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

Bavasi Edition

10: Hire Dave and DMZ as think tank consultants
09: Get Richie Sexson to restructure his contract
08: Admit that you really screwed the pooch on this year, and stop talking about how well EVERYONE AROUND YOU *THOUGHT* THE MARINERS WOULD BE THIS YEAR!!!
07: Beg McLaren to remind us of the real things we loved about Lou, rip first base outa the ground and throw it like a real man rants!
06: Bring back Ken Griffey Jr. so at least we have a feel good story for the duration of our worst season in franchise history (And thats about as fugly as a red cox fan).
05: Trade Clutchy Suxy for your dignity back, it'll be a good deal either way.
04: Cancel your subscription to JustUsBoys.com

(I think this translates to Save Ichiro) 一郎を除けば : 三

02: Witness the Mariners win A World Series
01: Accomplish the previous two by quitting if Armstrong can't see you for the used up worthless sacka clutchy-suxy you are.

This is Buddy from Seattle, saying STOP WEARING YOUR REDCOX DRAG TO SAFECO YOU BLEEPING BLEEPS, THEY'RE WORKING THEIR BLEEPING BLEEPS OFF AND ARE ARE BLEEPING TIRED OF YOUR BLEEPS BLEEPING BOOING THAT WORTHLESS BLEEPING SILVA EVERY TIME HE THROWS THE BLEEPING MEATPITCH ON A BLEEPING 0-2 COUNT!!!!!

And Lesbian Kissing is a-ok at the Safe.