US loses 3-2 To Brazil In Confederation Cup Final. Americans Make Collective Wanking Motion

After much hype and hope had built up surrounding Team USA's advance into the Confederation Cup final for a rematch with Brazil the end result demonstrated to burgeoning American soccer fans what the rest of the world already knew. The US has a long way to go before being on the same level of the elites of the soccer world

Many pointed to Team USA's victory over #1 ranked Spain to advance to the finals as a a soccer equivalent of the Miracle on Ice minus the cold war implications that made that game so poignant. The truth is to even be allowed to play Spain the US was afforded an absurd amount of luck. After being dismembered by the far superior Brazilian team the US not only needed to defeat Egypt by 3 but needed Brazil to kick the shit out of the Italians by at least 3. Somehow both these improbable events transpired and the US had it's shot at#1 ranked Spanish team.

Many people, because they lack originality, are dubbing Team USA's toppling of soccer powerhouse Spain, "The Miracle on Grass". Personally, I feel that title is more fitting for Michael Phelps. I barely have the motivation to put on pants when I am high and yet he managed to win 8 Gold medals? THAT'S impressive. Anyway, more than skill or tenacity or teamwork or any of the other horseshit the media throws out as the cause of the worst defeat of Spain by the Americans since the Spanish/American War there is only one reason Team USA came away with a 2-0 victory. They were luckier than Longshot holding a four leaf clover with a rabbit's foot shoved up his ass. The US team had all of 2 shots on goal and magically they both went in. Meanwhile, Spain had 11 shots on goal and failed to score worse than me on prom night. So yes, the result was a nice shiny win but the idea that the win was somehow a defining moment that would propel the team on to better things was wrong. You play that game out with the same amount of shots on goal and I bet 9 out of 10 times USA loses.

Truthfully I expected another beat down at the hands of the Brazilians. They do so many things better than us it's not even funny. Better waxing, better women, better movies about street gangs, better plane crashes, you name it they do it better. So it only made sense that their soccer team would be far superior as well. The first time these two teams squared off the disparity between the teams was evident and the US went down 0-4 to Brazil.

This time though the confident US team came out and kicked some Brazilian ass, going into the half up 2-0. Coming out of halftime the Brazil team woke up and realized that they could beat the US team drunk and high. They then proceeded to score 3 goals in the half to win 3-2.

Here in Seattle, where soccer is the new hip thing to like, this years fixed gear bikes, there were people who actually cared about this loss. The rest of the country made a dismissive wanking motion and either went back to watching NASCAR or baseball or drinking heavily, as it should be. Soccer pundits try to pump fear and say that one day America too, like the rest of the world, will bow to almighty deity of soccer. Good thing that'll never happen. Because if I know one thing it is this, Nobody Likes Soccer