Stuck In The Middle With You

Since May 27th the M's have gone 30-18, one of the best records in baseball and something I would have sacrificed my first born for at the beginning of the season (I have 4 nieces. I don't need my own kids to screw up when I have my brothers I can screw up with no consequence to me.) And yet despite winning at a pace faster than a meth-head on a cleaning binge The M's have LOST 2 games on the Angels in the division standings.

I have lamented for some time now that I am growing a bit weary of this tease of a season. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic that we are even in contention. Especially last year when dreams of contention went tits up after the first month. But still, this Jimmy Cliff like limbo that The M's have themselves waiting in is less than ideal.

The M's have some valuable trade trips in Bedard and Washburn with which they could add quality pieces that could fill holes at a place like SS. But I fear that if Zduriencik were to trade Washburn now, which he really should do, Wash's trade value will never be higher, there will be a large backlash. Smart fans might recognize the trade as a savvy move but the majority of fans would be screaming their heads off. Despite Jack Z's prior successes with trades so far I worry that this fan uprising might put pressure on Lincoln and Armstrong to do something.

Even if L&A stay above the fray and let Zduriencik do his thing I worry that just being so close to contention will force Jack to hold onto his two pitchers. I worry that if The M's hover on the fringes too long they'll lose Bedard and Washburn at the end of the season for almost nothing.

I'm all for staying in contention as long as possible. This will instil in the fans a sense of confidence in the front office and carry over to next season, which is always nice. But goddamn is it ever annoying to see that hard scrabble wins the M's have been accumulating fail to make a dent in the Angels division lead. It feels like The M's blew up on of Cybertron's moons only to see the Angels/Unicron come through it unfazed. To quote Spike Witwicky "It's not even dented!!! Ahhh shit! What're we gonna do now?" Damn good question. I wish I knew

Perfect Day Ruined By Mariners Game, Larry the Cable Guy

Yesterday I attended my second Mariners game of the season and while all the events surrounding the game were fun the game itself was one of the worst M's losses I've ever seen.

Meeting up with my friend Pat, I was crazy excited about going to the M's game. The game I had attended earlier this year I had been with a bunch of friends and co-workers so I didn't get to watch much of the game. This time I was sure to be able to focus on the action all the field. This proved to be my undoing.

Everything was going fine prior to the top of the 9th inning. We had brought in some delicious Tetsu Hellfire ramen for lunch from Samurai noodle that we ate while periodically heckling players. The flask of Crown Royal served to keep us warm in the overcast and drizzly weather.

The game had been fun. Yes, Jason Vargas had been lucky to give up no runs. He had men on in scoring position almost every inning he pitched and that was damn nerve wracking. But somehow he managed to get through it and the M's held on to a 3-0 lead. The ballpark seemed to be kind yesterday as it allowed me to see Jose Lopez hit a dinger out to left field. I've been to many games where the most exciting part is the hydro races. The ballpark also gave me a great driving catch by should-be-all-star Franklin Gutierrez. There was a sense of universal euquilibrium that hung in the air. Another series win seemed imminent. Then the 9th inning happened.

David Aardsma came in to some crazy montage on the big screen and it felt like the game was over. I mean the win expectancy was somewhere in the mid 90's. It's just you never know when that ~5% of failure will strike. Earlier in the season Aardsma's appearances inspired more fear in M's fans than the entirity of the Sinestro Corps. His command had been suspect and the atkins diet of all fastballs seemed to be a portent of looming failure. However, recently Aardsma has cleared up his walking ways and been damn near dominant. I expected him to come in and dominate. How naïve of me.

Out of the gates Aardsma's comman was off, getting behind in the count to the 7-8-9 batters. A fly ball dropped in, then he issued a walk, at which point a line drive single was scorched to the gap in right center. Bases loaded, no one out. Still I remained optimistic. A strike out and a double play could end the inning and the game. That was not to be.

To be clear this wasn't the terrible walk the world Aardsma of earlier in the season. Yes he gave up one walk, but the other two men of base got their via surprising luck. The same luck would be his undoing as the next 6 of 7 balls in play were groundballs, a pitchers friend, an omen of a possible double play. Not for the M's. Adam Jones singled to third base and Chris Woodward not being Adrian Beltre was unable to make a play on the ball and get an out, run in. Then a sure double play ball was hit to Jose Lopez, who picked a terrible time to play like shit. Jose dropped the ball on his was to second for the first out. Still no one out, still bases loaded, 3-2 now. A force out keeps it at 3-2 now with one out. Then a succesful pick off attempt got Aubrey Huff for the second out. A groundball single up the middle scored one more and the game was tied. It very well could have stayed there if not for Jose Lopez again. This time he rushed his throw to first baseman Russel Branyan and skipped the ball to him, still 2 outs.

The entire crowd was in shock. There had been glimmers of hope in that inning and Jose Lopez chased them away. The crowd had been lively before now they sat stunned as if 2girls1cup had been played on the big screen. The inning ended with The M's down 3-5. Little hope remained with Wlad and :(edeno as the first two batters of the inning.

Normally when a team is down in the 9th inning by a managable margin the scoreboard operator puts on some hackneyed montage of inspirational clips from movies like "Rocky", "Hoosiers", or even "Animal House". While not very orginal or fun they at least are not maddeningly offense. That was not the case at this game where a video of LARRY THE FUCKING CABLE GUY(!!!!!) was shown to the crowd teling the M's to "Git r dun". More than anything in the innings prior this pissed me off and saddened me the most. This is what we have come to for inspiration? Racist faux truckers with an insipid catch phrase and a overly managed "every guy" image" are now replacing the cliché but sensbile movie montages? Sweet merciful Zombie Jesus eat my brains now so I no longer have to watch my country devolve into a bunch of morons spouting out tired catchphrases like "Git r dun" and little John's "Hohkaay", as they are fresh and orginal. "Idiocracy" wasn't a great movie but as the days go by it seems more and more prescient.

Wlad and :(edeno made two quick outs as expected, pushing us to the brink. There was a rumbling in the crowd, a feeling that rose up to our superstar and pleaded with him to do something, anything, to keep the game alive. They were saying "Help us Ichiro Suzuki, you're our only hope!"

Ichiro did his best by lining a double into the gap. The crowd came back to life when it was revealed that Griffey was coming up to pinch hit for Chris Woodward. The fans started to clamor as hope filled the void that had been created by Jose Lopez' ineptitude. As much as I wanted to believe that there was something magical that could happen, I just couldn't. I knew better. Everyone around me saw Griffey as he was years ago when he played here, a once in a lifetime talent that could make a pitcher pay for a mistake. I however, saw a sad old man unable to catch up to a low 90's fastball. That sad old man hit a soft roller to second on the first pitch he saw. Game over man, game over.

This was twice in the past two games that the bullpen had fallen apart like a post-Evander Mike Tyson. Many had warned of regression from the pen. It still hurts when those warnings come to pass. Luckily Dave Cameron of USSM says that there may be help on the way. Though until those options come through it is hard to know how many more cock punch game like the last two the bullpen might dole out.

Jarrod Washburn Flirts With Perfection. Perfection Tells Him To Tuck His Sack Back. Wear Some Rouge

All manner of improbable things have occurred this week for the Mariners.

 First, they acquired a damn good outfielder, Ryan Langerhans, to replace the injured Endy Chavez for practically nothing. Then, they managed to go 5-4 on a road trip against the best teams in baseball in some parks that should spell death for our pitchers.

It was a road trip over which fans expected the M's to go 2-7 or 3-6  . That they managed to come out with a winning record revived hope presumed dead in April. Then came the return home against a tough pitching match-up against a hot Brad Bergenson and Jarrod Washburn who's results belied his peripheral stats. Not did the M's manage to mount some decent offense against Bergenson but Jarrod Washburn threw a one hitter. The one hit was the only thing keeping Jarrod Washburn from a perfect game.

Part of me is happy he didn't get a perfect game for a few reasons. First, I wouldn't have been able to see it and that woulda been a bummer. Second,  Jarrod Washburn has been a miserable acquisition prior to this year. High paid and poor performing, Washburn blamed his struggles on the poor pitch-calling of his battery, Kenji Johjima, which doesn't sit well with me. I'd rather the benevolent King Felix, throw a perfect game. It would sit better in the soul of this life long Seattle fan.

Despite these petty misgivings, a perfect game is a perfect game. When a pitcher is close you always root for the magic to continue. Plus, the accomplishment would have increased Wash's already elevated trade status,which could have have meant an even better haul for the M's in trading the soon-to-be free agent.

Right now the M's need to sell high on Washburn. He is an improved pitcher this year but, like I linked earlier in the post, his recent success is far more luck-based that skill baswed. The M's should trade him before that luck trends south.

I'm pretty sure team like the Phillies would be willing to give up some pieces to have Washburn shore up their injury-riddled rotation. Guys like Jason Vargas, Ryan Rowland-Smith when he comes up from Tacoma, and Garret Olsen provide the same profile of a pitcher with extreme fly-ball tendencies who rely on outfield defense to make outs.

Same goes for Erik Bedard. Sure he's been great when he's healthy but Bedard and health get along like The Sham-Wow Guy and hookers. Even when healthy it's not as if Bedard has gone deep into games. The best to hope for is for him to string together a few good starts so he can be traded before the deadline.

It's nice to be excited about possible trades to keep us in contention. At this point last year we were 18 games under .500 hundred. To be 4 games over this year and only 3 1/2 out of first means my summer banter can have a qaulity sports tinge to it and not just be about the badassness of the Black Lantern Corps.

US loses 3-2 To Brazil In Confederation Cup Final. Americans Make Collective Wanking Motion

After much hype and hope had built up surrounding Team USA's advance into the Confederation Cup final for a rematch with Brazil the end result demonstrated to burgeoning American soccer fans what the rest of the world already knew. The US has a long way to go before being on the same level of the elites of the soccer world

Many pointed to Team USA's victory over #1 ranked Spain to advance to the finals as a a soccer equivalent of the Miracle on Ice minus the cold war implications that made that game so poignant. The truth is to even be allowed to play Spain the US was afforded an absurd amount of luck. After being dismembered by the far superior Brazilian team the US not only needed to defeat Egypt by 3 but needed Brazil to kick the shit out of the Italians by at least 3. Somehow both these improbable events transpired and the US had it's shot at#1 ranked Spanish team.

Many people, because they lack originality, are dubbing Team USA's toppling of soccer powerhouse Spain, "The Miracle on Grass". Personally, I feel that title is more fitting for Michael Phelps. I barely have the motivation to put on pants when I am high and yet he managed to win 8 Gold medals? THAT'S impressive. Anyway, more than skill or tenacity or teamwork or any of the other horseshit the media throws out as the cause of the worst defeat of Spain by the Americans since the Spanish/American War there is only one reason Team USA came away with a 2-0 victory. They were luckier than Longshot holding a four leaf clover with a rabbit's foot shoved up his ass. The US team had all of 2 shots on goal and magically they both went in. Meanwhile, Spain had 11 shots on goal and failed to score worse than me on prom night. So yes, the result was a nice shiny win but the idea that the win was somehow a defining moment that would propel the team on to better things was wrong. You play that game out with the same amount of shots on goal and I bet 9 out of 10 times USA loses.

Truthfully I expected another beat down at the hands of the Brazilians. They do so many things better than us it's not even funny. Better waxing, better women, better movies about street gangs, better plane crashes, you name it they do it better. So it only made sense that their soccer team would be far superior as well. The first time these two teams squared off the disparity between the teams was evident and the US went down 0-4 to Brazil.

This time though the confident US team came out and kicked some Brazilian ass, going into the half up 2-0. Coming out of halftime the Brazil team woke up and realized that they could beat the US team drunk and high. They then proceeded to score 3 goals in the half to win 3-2.

Here in Seattle, where soccer is the new hip thing to like, this years fixed gear bikes, there were people who actually cared about this loss. The rest of the country made a dismissive wanking motion and either went back to watching NASCAR or baseball or drinking heavily, as it should be. Soccer pundits try to pump fear and say that one day America too, like the rest of the world, will bow to almighty deity of soccer. Good thing that'll never happen. Because if I know one thing it is this, Nobody Likes Soccer

In America, First You Get The Money, Then You Get The Power...

Donte Stallworth is a lucky son of a bitch. He was given his sentencing today, a little over 3 months after the Cleveland Browns wide receiver was arrested for vehicular manslaughter and DUI after mowing down a pedestrian like he was living out "Death Race 2000". The results, in my mind, further the idea that the OJ trial was much less about race and much more about money. I feel that in today's society people like OJ, Paris, or Donte aren't getting off because of race or celebrity, they are getting off because they are rich as fuck.

At the time of his arrest, given the witness reports and his .126 blood alcohol level, it seemed a forgone conclusion that Stallworth would be serving a LONG time in the pen. The normal sentence for non multi-millionaires for this crime is a decade and a half stint on the big house. Donte Stallworth received 30 days in jail. Granted he also is under house-arrest for two years, has to complete 1000 hours of community service and in on probation for 8 years. But compared to 15 in the slammer all that is a slap on the wrist. Plus he'll only do 2/3rds of the time if he's a good boy.

His ability to escape what seemed to be certain hard time in the pen is a feat more impressive than David Blane freezing himself in a block of ice. Though, unlike Blane's trick one does not need any sort of experience to get themselves out of such situations. All you need is a healthy amount of cash money.

The exact terms of Stallworth's plea agreement that allowed him to catch the bullet of prison time like Ozymandias are unknown. What is known is it must have been a fuck ton of money to be able to convince the court system to drop a sentence from 15 years to 30 days.

In his ability to get off relatively free, Donte Stallworth exposed something that is known to anybody who has ever gone through the court system, you get what you pair for. It doesn't matter what you do murder your ex-wife, drive drunk, kill someone while driving drunk, rape somebody, all you need is a lotta cheese and you are off like Mister Miracle, Scott Free. Money is power, like you needed me to remind you.

Look at Leonard Little, whose case is eerily similar to that of Stallworth's. In 1998 he was driving home hammered when he ran into Susan Gutweiler, mother of one, killing her. For his actions he received 90 days in jail, 4 years of probation and 1000 hours of community service. As if that wasn't bad enough in 2004 Leornard was pulled over for speeding when the cops noticed he had bloodshot and watery eyes, and reeked of booze. After failing three field sobriety tests he was hauled in for DUI and speeding. This would seem like a clear cut case and that Little was going to be going away for a long time. But Leonard's copious piles of cash had other plans. He got off with just a speeding charge.

So while many people are rightfully outraged about this whole thing, they seem to lose sight of the fact that Donte is merely living out the American dream. You can have the best of anything if you are willing to pay for it, here in America. Legal counsel is no different. So try not to act too surprised the next time some athlete/celebrity type gets off with minimal consequences after paying more than the GDP of a small banana republic. That's the American way.

Ok, You Guys Have My Attention. Now, Stop It!!!

"I'm not dead yet!" "We'll see about that!"

The Mariners managed to find a new way to lose today, as the rest of the division won their games. I have admit, I'm afraid I may be behind this disastrous collapse that has seen the M's go from 15-10 to 16-18. My negligence has caused this team to falter.

You see, before the season started I extolled the virtues of the new look M's to anyone who would listen. I told them our new GM knew what the fuck he was doing and that, while certain players leftover from the old regime hamstrung his ability to compile an optimal roster, he had built a team that could compete today that also was not in the hole to anyone in the future. Once the season started and The M's started winning I listened to every game on the radio or caught an occasional game on the TV. I blogged the hell out of this team to start the season. I told my readers that there was every reason to be optimistic. Then, like a parent lets go of their child and the bike as momentum takes over, I stopped paying as much attention to the team.

I figured I could trust the team to do well without me as I focused on school and getting laid. How selfish of me. To attract my attention again The M's knew all they'd have to do is revert to what had me watching them the past few years. If they played terribly I would come back. It's just like when a child holds its breath to get a parents attention or that psycho girl you're dating who threatens to hurt herself if you leave. I know in both cases ignoring the problem normally causes it to go away. And when Erik Bedard broke the losing streak two games ago I thought my plan had worked. Little did I know.

Truthfully I'm rather glad I haven't been able to watch this team implode. Just listening to Dave Neihaus describe two straight batters take a walk from a pitcher struggling with his command and then hear him tell me that Yuniesky Betancourt swung into a double play on the first pitch is maddening enough. I can't imagine seeing the pitch location would do anything but infuriate me more. Same goes with Felix starting off the game with 25 of 27 pitches being fastballs. I think I would punch something if I had to witness one of the many casual errors commited by Yuni or Lopez. I might have gouged out my eyes Oepdipus style if I had to witness this teams offense get dismembered by the Unicron of terrible right-handed groundball pitchers like Vincente Padilla, Bartolo Colon, Scott Feldman and others.

I believed contention this year, damn it! I don't buy into the idea that these are our Mariners and they will always be hapless losers. I won't be a shell-shocked fan constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I believe in what Zduriencik is building with this team. But damn if this skid isn't awfully familiar.

This extended slide has put us in a very precarious situation. If one was a terrible writer really reaching for an analogy they might compare this to hanging off a cliff from a vine with a tiger above and a tiger below. But that's some wussy arsty fartsy bullshit we here at NLS won't stand for. 3 1/2 games out isn't a terrible amount to be out this early in the season. At the same time the premise of contention for the M's this year was to grab the division lead and never let go. Just like the offense this team is not built to come from behind.

No one wants to admit this team's season is done before June. But the sad reality is it very well might be. Even if the season is not over yet Zdruriencik faces the uneviable decision of whether or not to become a tenement finisher and gut this team of all or most of it's valuable pieces. This move would be tantamount to waving a white flag and declaring the season dead. The casual fan would hate it if this were to happen but smart fans know that the M's farm system is more of a barren wasteland than Super-Nanny's womb and top flight prospects would help ensure this team could remain competitive years from now. Selling off players like Bedard, Washburn, Beltre and maybe even Felix or Ichiro would be a necesary evil like taking the fat girl home so yer buddy can bang her hot friend.

These next few games will be hyper-critical in determining the M's fate for the rest of the year. If I pay attention will they stop making idle threats and no longer hurt themselves or will I regret the decision when I watch them unravel. Only one way to find out. Ok, Mariners, I'll play your little game now quite fucking around and win something!!!!

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

She just didn't tell me they'd suck this hard.

The Mariners managed squeaked out a series win over the weekend against the A's bringing hope to their fans. Going into their series with Texas sweep looked very possible. The 1-2 punch of Felix and Bedard was set the shut down the always high powered Texas offense when cruel fate stepped in.

Felix came down with a mean case of the swine flu and was not himself last night. Not himself in the sense that he was throwing a large amount of breaking balls and k'ing Texans like he was the second coming of Santa Anna. Keeping with my Alamo simile, just as Santa Anna killed many Texans he also stretched himself too thin and the army took a heavy toll, Felix k'ed many batters but when a Ranger did manage to make contact the ball left the park. Felix may never throw a breaking ball again after this terrible outing. That he won't is a travesty because those are his best pitches.

Today Erik Bedard took the mound to face the Rangers. He had hoped to pitch well and help the team out of the park early for some arbitrary drinking day Cinco De Mayo festivities. Pitch well he did, giving up only 1 run through seven innings. Too bad for him the run support failed to show up. Vincente Padilla sent out a notice to the M's bat's telling them the game had been canceled and that there was a team meeting at Peso's instead.

The fact that the offense struggled against a RHP is nothing new. Dave over at USSM wrote an article a few days ago talking about this glaring weakness. The gist of the post was that the M's need power left hand bats like David Hasslehoff needs rehab. Without anyone in the line-up to make RHPs worry fans will see many more games like these even against terrible pitchers like Padilla. As Dave pointed out

You know how I keep harping on the roster being too right-handed and how it’s costing us wins?

Padilla, career vs RHB: .241/.300/.370
Padilla, career vs LHB: .299/.381/.484

The Mariners are starting seven right-handed bats and two left-handed bats today

There is one in-house option that could possibly destroy the foul beast of RHP like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. His name is Jeff Clement. Many people, including I, lamented Clement's demotion at the beginning of the season. Few foresaw the lack of a daily dose of Jeff in the line-up would be the factor that would cause the center not to hold. Yet here The M's stand defeated after being 1(!!!!!!!) hit against a very pedestrian Vincente Padilla.

There is no good reason for Clement to languish in the purgatory of AAA. His defense can't be any worse than that of Rob Johnson. His bat, however, would be a YUGE upgrade. Even if Clement continued to move like a retarded rhino behind the plate his bat would more than make up the difference. I know Jeff has done some unknown and unforgivable sin but now is not the time to hold a grudge, Zduriencik.

M's fans will have to sit through many more games like the one today if some action is not taken to remedy the lack of lefties on the roster. I for one would like not to endure such punishment. Can we please have the shiny new toy of a power LH bat? We needs it so bad!