Seattle Seahawks 2008: Epic Fail!!!

Seriously 'Hawks, how did you manage this?

Right after Charlie Frye threw his second terrible interception in a rout by the visiting Green Bay Packers, that was much greater than the 27-17 score would indicate, I realized something very disturbing. Like Slick Rick said, "it was the moment I feared." The Seattle Seattle Seahawks had become a tired internet meme in 2008. They were the epitome of Epic Fail.

I can spot an epic fail like a catholic priest can spot a supple altar boy ripe for molesting, too. In fact, I had one hell of an epic fail under the Friday night lights, just days earlier. I'm not referring to the football field, as I am much too out of shape and brittle for that kind of activity.

My epic fail came after drinking far too much at a work party and becoming completely useless, when the entire point of the party was to talk to this pretty girl I am interested in. Perhaps it was the combination of light and dark liquor plus beer that did it to me, but my Linda Blair came out as I twice projectile vomited. Thankfully no one saw the expulsion of my stomachs contents. After that point I became a little surly and a lot out of it. My grip on consciousness was slipping like Brian Russell attempting to cover a receiver. To the point that when my coveted girl was leaving I stubbornly stayed inside instead of walking her to her car. Like I said, epic fail.

So imagine my horror when a mere two days later another 'Hawks lost dropped us to 1-4 on the season, stamping "Epic Fail" on our foreheads. The parallels were too blatant to disregard.

This season was supposed to be Holmgren's last hurrah. The plan was to go out in a blaze of glory for The Walrus. Even after a rash of injuries decimated our receiving corp, hope still shined brightly. Our defense, with it's 3 returning pro-bowlers combined with the influx and growth of young talent, was going to carry us until the WR's got healthy.

Then we came out flat on the road against Buffalo in the season opener, giving up 34 points. An aberration, I thought. Like Sir Ben Kingsley in the movie BloodRayne, surely not a sign of things to come.

After a tough loss due to a little bad luck to the 49er's at home my confidence was a little shaken. How could we have let the walking dead corpse of Isaac Bruce absolutely torch us for 153 yards on 4 catches? The secondary was a revelation last year, this year it was giving it up like post-Tommy Mottola Mariah Carrey.

The 'Hawks dominated The Rams and confidence was restored a bit. It was reasoned by many that, even though it was the lowly Rams, we handled them like a good team should, by completely and utterly abusing them. This gave a lot of hope going into the bye week, coupled with the fact that Plexiglass Burress was going to suspended for the game against the 'Hawks and fans were clamoring like fan boys pre-Star Wars:Episode I.

There were two things overlooked going into the into the game at New York that foreshadowed the outcome. Just like Episode I, where everyone forgot about George Lucas' penchant for cheapening his films with inane kiddie fare and inability to work with actors, so overlooked were The Seahawks dismal schedule coming off a bye and playing games on the east coast. After Brian Russell decided pregame to make Domenik Hixon a star, the outcome was forged. Eli went all Jerramy Stevens on our secondary, using his 'tard strength to hurl the ball to his nominally covered receivers. Brandon Jacobs only needed the first half of football to do his damage and run all over the once vaunted 'Hawks D.

The Seahawks nation, still coughing up spine fragments from their pounding the week before, were given a steel-toed boot to the teeth when on Friday the team announced Matt Hasselbeck would no be starting because of a knee injury suffered the week before. Seneca "I'm not retarded!" Wallace wouldn't start either due to a calf injury. Which left the hopes riding on 3rd String QB Charlie Frye.

Rational thought would preclude someone from ever hoping to win a game in which Charlie Frye is starting for your team. Sadly rational thought is often overshadowed by homerism. The hope was, that with a strong ground game and a solid display by our D against an injured and inconsistent O-Line, the team could eek out a win. These hopes were swatted down like so many late passes by Charlie Frye. Chuckles' penchant for holding onto the ball like my drunken roommate hangs onto a bottle of booze led to many sacks, two int's and the bevy of aforementioned late passes.

The defense failed to get any consistent pressure as Aaron Rodgers dissected our secondary, bum shoulder and all. The offense's inability to stay on the field and the d's inability to stay off it culminated in one hell of a stomping.

Sadly, all hopes of this team contending for a 5th straight year atop of the NFC West, let alone a Super Bowl berth, were crushed. The season, realistically, is dead. 1-4 is not an easy hole to climb out of even our incredibly weak division. For having such a Bagdhad-esque demolition of our hopes of a season we are reduced to being a very sad Epic Fail.


This is more like a perfect summation of the M's season. Even if everything goes right it still ain't gonna be that good of a time. But, holy hell, it's one epic fucking fail.