Dreams of Contention Have Been Morrow'nd

Future Brony

Were you aware that dia-bee-tuhs is the #1 cause of suckitis in the US? No? Well, then you must not have been paying attention to the last two Mariners games. Morrow, the M's young diabetic closer, entered both those games hoping to earn a save and keep hope for contention alive. Instead he decided to kick the chances at hope square in the balls and then urninate all over them. Last night given a 1 run lead to work with Morrow promptly gave up 2 runs for the loss. Today he was given a 2 run lead and gave up 3. Note to Mariners, Brandon hates being given things.

As painful as these past two games have been to experience there should be no real surprise in the outcome. Morrow has always struggled to throw strikes like Pookie with crack in "New Jack City". This year the problem has risen to new levels. Not helping things is Morrow's desire to throw only one pitch, the fastball.

Morrow used to have breaking stuff. Sexy breaking stuff. Breaking stuff that combined with his gas made him a damn fun pitcher to watch and an even tougher one to hit. Then he got a taste for the closing. The M's tried to work the buttplug into Morrow to stretch him out for starting duty but the damage was done. Like a pitbull that has tasted child flesh Morrow was hooked. Closing was all he thought about. The trade of JJ Putz allowed Morrow to give a bunch of bullshit reasons about his health to get back to his coveted closers role. Once a closer again Morrow forgot all about his breaking stuff and became fastball obsessed. That is why the M's are 16-19.

I can understand falling in love with the fastball, especially when you can throw it at 99mph. That's like having a sex cannon for an arm. There's nothing not fun about that. But just like real life it can't be sex all the time. You gotta mix things up, keep people on their toes. At this Morrow has failed. In his mind if he misses with a fastball he thinks to himself "Just throw the next one harder." Occasionally, against inferior hitters, this strategy has worked. The Rangers are far from inferior hitters. They feast on fastballs. Even if they are thrown at 99mph.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. Perhaps forcing Brandon Morrow to play russian roulette as an example to his teammates. Maybe a good flogging. Hell, making him go Tony Montanna on a pile of pixie sticks would also work. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is this rollercoaster of a season sucks so far.

I could handle if the M's had been playing around .500 ball all season and had dropped a few more than they had won. But going 15-10 got me all excited. Now I have MLB blue balls, not fun.

In closing let me eloquently express my dissatisfaction with the course of events so far this season. GODDAMN IT! WHY MUST YOU MAKE A FOOL OF ME YOU HARLOTS? I STOOD BY YOU WHEN EVERYONE SAID YOU WERE NO GOOD AND THIS IS THE GODDAMN THANKS I GET? FUCK YOU!!!!

Please play better.

Fuck You Very Much, NCAA Selection Committee

Perhaps I was rash in my evaluation I posted the other day of UW's chances in the NCAA tournament. I'll admit, I was a bit high off of the Dawgs winning the Pac-10 title outright and figured their momentum would lead them to win the Pac-10 tourney and grab a #2 seed. I was wrong.

The Dawgs struggled versus Standford but managed to pull out the win against a weaker opponent. They were not so lucky when it came to their next opponent, ASU. Perhaps The Dawgs were over-confident from having beat the Sun Devils twice in the regular season or maybe they, too, were high from the events of the week before. Either way UW played a terrible first half and were lucky to end up down only 17 at the break. Despite a big second half run that netted The Dawgs the lead, The Huskies ended up losing by 10.

Maybe the tournament selection committee viewed this as a weakness; perhaps they didn't like UW's pretentious fancy Northwest book learnin' ways; maybe they have a grudge against The Huskies because the girl at work they never have the courage to talk to ended up spurning their weak advances for a UW alum. Who knows? All I know is the NCAA tournament selection committee, for whatever reason, decided to give us a #4 seed in the tourney.

I'm fine with being a #4, The Dawgs had some big losses that ended up hurting them. Getting destroyed against Kansas early on in the season was no good, nor was losing to feeble West Coast conference member University of Portland, and losing to Cal(twice!!!!) didn't help either. What makes me get angry and Hulk out is the bracket we were placed in.

Yes, it's nice being close to home, being able to play in Portland, but having to play a hot Mississippi State team in the opening round is shittay. If UW advances past the Bulldogs, which is no guarantee as they are lean, long and athletic, allowing them to match up with The Dawgs fairly well, they will most likely face Purdue, another streaking team. Provided UW advances past the first two rounds, it looks like our opponent would be our hated rivals, The Evil Huskies of Connecticut aka the team that has bounced us out of the last two Sweet Sixteens.

As much as I would like to take revenge on them by knocking them out of the tourney for once, I don't see that happening. The Match-up of 6'7" John Brockman battling 7'4" monster Hasheem Thabeet for rebounds causes my testicles to retract into my abdomen like a 12 year old boy. I'm not sure my fragile mental state could handle another crushing loss at the hands of our Bizzarro counterparts.

Meanwhile, cross-state douchebags, Gonzaga have a super easy road to the Sweet Sixteen and get to play in Boise. Also über-lucky winners of the fetus weak Big-10, Michigan State get a #2 seed and they, too, have a cake walk to the 16.

So, in closing, I would like to eloquently express my displeasure to the fine sirs of the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee.

Dear Gentleman, I know you catch no end of flack for your decisions regarding the seeding and placement of teams for the NCAA tournament. I would just like to take this moment and express my EAT SHIT YOU KNOW-NOTHING KNOW-IT-ALLS! I HOPE YOU DIE FROM GETTING YOUR COLONS PERFORATED BY A GIANT HORSECOCK!!!!! That is all,

Kind Regards,

Willie Mays Haze