Dreams of Contention Have Been Morrow'nd

Future Brony

Were you aware that dia-bee-tuhs is the #1 cause of suckitis in the US? No? Well, then you must not have been paying attention to the last two Mariners games. Morrow, the M's young diabetic closer, entered both those games hoping to earn a save and keep hope for contention alive. Instead he decided to kick the chances at hope square in the balls and then urninate all over them. Last night given a 1 run lead to work with Morrow promptly gave up 2 runs for the loss. Today he was given a 2 run lead and gave up 3. Note to Mariners, Brandon hates being given things.

As painful as these past two games have been to experience there should be no real surprise in the outcome. Morrow has always struggled to throw strikes like Pookie with crack in "New Jack City". This year the problem has risen to new levels. Not helping things is Morrow's desire to throw only one pitch, the fastball.

Morrow used to have breaking stuff. Sexy breaking stuff. Breaking stuff that combined with his gas made him a damn fun pitcher to watch and an even tougher one to hit. Then he got a taste for the closing. The M's tried to work the buttplug into Morrow to stretch him out for starting duty but the damage was done. Like a pitbull that has tasted child flesh Morrow was hooked. Closing was all he thought about. The trade of JJ Putz allowed Morrow to give a bunch of bullshit reasons about his health to get back to his coveted closers role. Once a closer again Morrow forgot all about his breaking stuff and became fastball obsessed. That is why the M's are 16-19.

I can understand falling in love with the fastball, especially when you can throw it at 99mph. That's like having a sex cannon for an arm. There's nothing not fun about that. But just like real life it can't be sex all the time. You gotta mix things up, keep people on their toes. At this Morrow has failed. In his mind if he misses with a fastball he thinks to himself "Just throw the next one harder." Occasionally, against inferior hitters, this strategy has worked. The Rangers are far from inferior hitters. They feast on fastballs. Even if they are thrown at 99mph.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. Perhaps forcing Brandon Morrow to play russian roulette as an example to his teammates. Maybe a good flogging. Hell, making him go Tony Montanna on a pile of pixie sticks would also work. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is this rollercoaster of a season sucks so far.

I could handle if the M's had been playing around .500 ball all season and had dropped a few more than they had won. But going 15-10 got me all excited. Now I have MLB blue balls, not fun.

In closing let me eloquently express my dissatisfaction with the course of events so far this season. GODDAMN IT! WHY MUST YOU MAKE A FOOL OF ME YOU HARLOTS? I STOOD BY YOU WHEN EVERYONE SAID YOU WERE NO GOOD AND THIS IS THE GODDAMN THANKS I GET? FUCK YOU!!!!

Please play better.