Karl Malone Hall of Famer, Ringless Wonder, Deadbeat Father, Statutory Rapist(?)

Karl Malone pointing skyward, one index finger for each of his formerly illegitimate children. "What about Demetrius Bell, Mail Man? No deliveries for him? Not even a child support check?'

For years I have held a special place in my heart of hatred for Karl Malone aka "The Mail Man". It is hard to say exactly why I have this deep seeded, stomach churning abhorrence for someone, many consider to be, the best power forward to ever play the game. The factors range from childhood grudges to paths of destruction he and his 'bows left in the wake of the Mail Man's deliveries.

Maybe it's because my beloved Seattle Sonics constantly vied for western conference supremacy against the Malone and Stockton Jazz teams. One thing that will always stick with me about Malone was the ungodly amount of time he took prior to his free-throws. The entirety of Key Arena would count along in attempts to have the refs enforce the 10 seconds between free throw attempts rule, to no avail.

My hatred could possibly stem from the fact that The Mail Man delivered some of the most vicious elbows to the face I have ever witnessed. People bang on Dikembe Mutumbo for always hitting people with his elbows. And while Mutumbo has smashed 5 noses during his pro career, it seems hard to blame the man for this. I mean at 7'2" 261 lbs, the man is nothing but elbows. He can't help if collateral damage to other players results as an effect of him clearing out after he grabs a board. Malone, on the other hand seemed to relish throwing his prodigious elbows about like face seeking projectiles. He was voted as the dirtiest player in the league quite frequently when he played. It wasn't just elbows to the face that garnered Malone this title, but knees to the crotch, fists to the face, and, on one special occasion, a foot to someone's throat.

Watching Malone at a Jazz game was like watching a mountain lion stalk an Elk on Animal Planet. You could see Malone test his opponent with a bevy of subtly illegal moves, like an "accidental" punch to the stomach, or firing a warning shot off a players bow with one of his elbows. As the game wore on and Malone established his boundaries with the refs, The Mail Man came to deliver, express shipments of deadly bows were his stock and trade. Like the cougar, he'd wait for the other player to show weakness and then he'd attack. He'd go up for a rebound and in attempts to gain position would hook his elbow behind another players head and clear them out of his way. Not exactly legal, but when you are one of the marquee names in the game, like Karl Malone, the refs ain't gonna call any of that shit.

Malone also will always be remembered by me as one of the more vocal opponents of Magic Johnson's return to the NBA after Magic was diagnosed with HIV. Even at the time the entire medical community agreed there was no risk of Magic spreading the disease to anyone else while playing basketball, Malone continued to keep his head in the sand to avoid these facts while speaking from a place of ignorance and fear. I assume these comments made him a hero while playing in conservative bastion Salt Lake City but to me they showed a complete lack of understanding or compassion.

All of these things have led to an extreme dislike of Malone but nothing, not even being a deadbeat dad to his now All-Star WNBA player daughter, Cheryl Ford, for most of her life, could have prompted more bile. It wasn't until she was on the verge of becoming something great that Malone stepped up and accepted her into his family. Once his fortunes were waning he grabbed onto another rising star, only connected to him by genetics, in attempts to keep himself relevant. This showed what kind of opportunistic asshole he was, and reinforced my beliefs on the nature of this man(as much as one can be judged from what the media tells us, at least).

But none of that other shit compares to this little gem I found on Seahawks.net while perusing their "Sports Shack" board. According to this article, as a sophomore at Louisiana Tech, The Mail Man delivered more than stat-sheet filling performances to one "special" little girl. At the time when most of her friends were worrying about who has a crush on who, what to wear to the next dance, and other adolescent activities, Gloria Bell was worrying about how to afford taking care of a child, especially when, at 13, she was only a child herself. That's right, Karl Malone knocked up a 13(!!!) year old while in College and then failed to, at any point, take care of the child or his mother. He moved on with his life, racking up scoring titles, play-off appearances, complete with all sorts of fan fare and adulation, while Gloria was forced to raise her son, without any contact or support from his father. He could forget about that little 12 year old(her likely age when impregnated) he knocked up all those years ago. She was constantly reminded of the man who walked out on her to pursue his big league dreams, leaving her to raise her child alone.

Demetrius Bell, the product of that fleeting union between Gloria and Karl ,now a 7th round pick at Offensive Tackle for the Buffalo Bills, didn't even know Malone was his father until he graduated high school. When he did finally meet his dad, Karl, being the great man he is, told Demetrius that it was "too late to be his father" and that Bell would have to "earn his money on his own". Christ, and I thought my dad was bad when he called me a bad Mexican for getting a "C" in Spanish class. And while we all might call our parents stingy at some point in our late high school/early college years when they don't pony up some extra cash on a Friday night, at least they aren't former NBA players, made out of money and still not trying to give us a dime.

It is often argued, whether being an asshole is something some have to work at or if it just comes naturally. Some do work at it, after being hurt, or burned and feeling like there is no reason to be nice, cuz nice just gets you shat on. Karl Malone though, with the ease and frequency he flashes his asshole cred, is a naturally gifted asshole. He hasn't used any AED's(asshole enhancing drugs), or gone out of his way to foster an asshole image to cover up insecurities, he just is one of the biggest assholes ever. After reading about this latest act of assholery and statutory rape on Malone's part, it puts his hunt for little Mexican girls in an entirely different, and exceedingly creepy light.

Perhaps though, there is some sort of universal Karmic justice at work here. For leading the NBA in points per game, defensive rebounds and being second in total points scored behind Kareem, the one thing that eluded Karl throughout years, other than remorse for his cheap shots, was a championship.

And that's why MJ's shot over Bryon Russel still gives me an unnatural thrill every time I see it. Sure, it's one of the most memorable images of a player whose career was full of them, but also it was the last time Malone made it to the Finals to face his nemesis, Mike. And Malone still bitches that Jordan pushed off to get open for that last shot, so he deserves his sour grapes. Then in 2003-2004 The Mail Man quit the USPS(The Jazz) and joined FedEx(The Lakers) as a mercenary in attempts to get one last shot at the ring. We have the Detroit Pistons to thank that Karl Malone's fingers remain bare to this day, a very deserving end to his career.