In America, First You Get The Money, Then You Get The Power...

Donte Stallworth is a lucky son of a bitch. He was given his sentencing today, a little over 3 months after the Cleveland Browns wide receiver was arrested for vehicular manslaughter and DUI after mowing down a pedestrian like he was living out "Death Race 2000". The results, in my mind, further the idea that the OJ trial was much less about race and much more about money. I feel that in today's society people like OJ, Paris, or Donte aren't getting off because of race or celebrity, they are getting off because they are rich as fuck.

At the time of his arrest, given the witness reports and his .126 blood alcohol level, it seemed a forgone conclusion that Stallworth would be serving a LONG time in the pen. The normal sentence for non multi-millionaires for this crime is a decade and a half stint on the big house. Donte Stallworth received 30 days in jail. Granted he also is under house-arrest for two years, has to complete 1000 hours of community service and in on probation for 8 years. But compared to 15 in the slammer all that is a slap on the wrist. Plus he'll only do 2/3rds of the time if he's a good boy.

His ability to escape what seemed to be certain hard time in the pen is a feat more impressive than David Blane freezing himself in a block of ice. Though, unlike Blane's trick one does not need any sort of experience to get themselves out of such situations. All you need is a healthy amount of cash money.

The exact terms of Stallworth's plea agreement that allowed him to catch the bullet of prison time like Ozymandias are unknown. What is known is it must have been a fuck ton of money to be able to convince the court system to drop a sentence from 15 years to 30 days.

In his ability to get off relatively free, Donte Stallworth exposed something that is known to anybody who has ever gone through the court system, you get what you pair for. It doesn't matter what you do murder your ex-wife, drive drunk, kill someone while driving drunk, rape somebody, all you need is a lotta cheese and you are off like Mister Miracle, Scott Free. Money is power, like you needed me to remind you.

Look at Leonard Little, whose case is eerily similar to that of Stallworth's. In 1998 he was driving home hammered when he ran into Susan Gutweiler, mother of one, killing her. For his actions he received 90 days in jail, 4 years of probation and 1000 hours of community service. As if that wasn't bad enough in 2004 Leornard was pulled over for speeding when the cops noticed he had bloodshot and watery eyes, and reeked of booze. After failing three field sobriety tests he was hauled in for DUI and speeding. This would seem like a clear cut case and that Little was going to be going away for a long time. But Leonard's copious piles of cash had other plans. He got off with just a speeding charge.

So while many people are rightfully outraged about this whole thing, they seem to lose sight of the fact that Donte is merely living out the American dream. You can have the best of anything if you are willing to pay for it, here in America. Legal counsel is no different. So try not to act too surprised the next time some athlete/celebrity type gets off with minimal consequences after paying more than the GDP of a small banana republic. That's the American way.

Rocky Mountain Lowe Colorado

After a solid stretch of baseball got them back to .500 the M's hiked up the Rocky Mountains to face their first interleague opponent on their home turf and their National League rules, The Colorado Rockies. The Rockies were better than their record suggested and were on an 8 game winning streak coming into the series against the M's. There was hope that this could be there series that could move the M's from being tied with Anaheim to making a serious push for first. Of course it's the Mariners so that didn't happen.

Jarrod Washburn fell apart as the first game progressed, and after some early offensive explosions the M's bats went dormant. The Next game Marked a new Lowe point(get it? genius I know) for a bullpen rife with low moments so far this year. On a single on the third base side of the mound by Troy Tulowitzki Lowe Picked up the ball and had a chance to get the runner out. Instead his throw was as off target as a Glenn Beck rant, sailing wide right and allowing Tulowitzki to advance to second. Next batter put down a bunt and Lowe tried to get cute and throw out the lead runner at third. Instead he showed off his poor command throwing the ball on the foul side of third base causing Beltre to have to wheel around and make the tag to no avail. The next batter lined in a run and then Lowe walked two more batters to load the basses. The damage was mitigated by a sac fly and a ground out. By then though the final nail had been hammered in. The 2 runs scored that inning ended up being too much for the M's to overcome.

Then just today the offense seemed to disapear and again the starting pitching fell apart late giving up 5 runs the inning before heavy rains caused the game to be called. It was not the way anyone wanted to end the series.

Now the M's are back to 3 games under .500 and being generally annoying. They can't seem to decide if the want to be a good team and make a push for contending or if they wanna be mediorce and be seller at the trade deadline. A few weeks ago I had written off this team to be sold off piece by valuable piece. Then they had to go on this run that brought them a tie with the Angels at .500 and all I could think was "So you're saying there's a chance!!" Now this terrible stretch of three games has made me wonder what the hell is going on.

Damn it, M's I need stability in my life right now. You can't keep reentering into my life just when I've made my peace with you for the season only to have you walk out on me right when I start to truly believe we have something going. It's not right. I wish I could quit you.

Montana to Washington

I had meant to write about Skyline QB Jake Heaps choosing BYU over local school UW. This seemed like a big blow, not necesairly because he was an irreplacable talent but because Coach Sarkisian was making a strong push to keep all the top in-state talent to stay home and play at UW. Getting Jake heaps to commit to UW would have bee a great recruiting tool for the rest on the in-state players.

The ghosts of incompetence from the last regime haunted this commitment from the get go. Ty failed to start recruiting of Heaps in any sort of timely manner especially considering how many other schools wanted him. Ty probably felt that similar to courting a girl you don't let 'em know how much you want them and by doing this she will fall over herself trying to be with you. Sadly, this style of recruiting does not work these days when colleges proposition recruits like they are Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal. UW's lack of interest led the school of Magic Pants(BYU) to do some heavy recruiting using religion as the main point of interest.

When Sarkisian came on as Head Coach one of his first acts was to get into contact with Heaps and his family in attempt to make up for lost time. It turned out to be too little to late. BYU had planted its insidious seed in young Jake's mind. I was crushed.

But now there is word that Nick Montana has given his verbal commitment to UW. Montana, does that last name sound familiar? That's because he's the son of fucking football legend Joe Montana. OH FUCKING YEAH! Now, I don't know a whole lot about Nick, but I have heard he may possibly be a better QB prospect than Heaps. That Heaps may be farther along, but Nick is more athletic and taller and has the tools to be the better QB.

Another thing, how bad ass will it be to have Joe Montana in the stand on Saturdays? This program has needed a boost in vitality and a raise in profile. Adding Nick Montana could very well do this.

So, all in all it sounds like that by losing out on Jake Heaps may have been a better thing than getting him. I'm getting excited as more and more recruits commit to UW. Sark seems to have recruiting down and his development of QB's speaks for itself. If he continues racking up quality recruits the future will look pretty damn bright.

One less Ivory Backscratcher for Lebron

Lebron James learned that the media's right to ask inane post-game questions will not be obstructed for any reason. Especially not because he was in a bad mood after a crushing loss to the Magic that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs. To do so is tantamount to not giving David Stern a reach around when visiting his office. The consequences of such a slap in the face will be harsh indeed.

$25,000 was the sum of the punishment meted out by Herr Stern to show that blowing off the media will not be tolerated. Let this act as a deterrent to all the rest of you primadonnas who think they are too big for the media.

While $25,000 might mean one less ivory backscratcher for Lebron, nonetheless it is a ridiculously large amount for merely failing to acknowledge the media. It's not as if some deep insight about Lebron was going to be gained by having him answer a bunch of stock questions. The questions would probably be along the lines of "How do you feel about coming up short in the conference championships again?" and what is he going to really say to that? "Well, if I had any sort of talent outside of myself on this team maybe I could do something. But when the second best scoring option on the team is Big Z I'm kinda limited, y'know? Give me the talent they got on the Lakers and I win 80 games easy!" Fuck no! And even if he did that's not the kind of honest answer the media wants. They want easily digestible bullshit like "It's disapointing to work so hard and come up just short. I'll continue to work hard this summer and be prepared to make another run next fall."

I understand Lebron's decision not to talk with the media. What I don't understand is David Stern felt the need to make this into a public recrimination. The fine almost seems to be saying "You were a bad boy, now give back part of your allowance."

I hate David Stern for many reasons. His part in stealing the Sonics from Seattle, his enforcing of a new dress code to "clean up" the NBA's image, to the cracking down on hard fouls and giving out bs fines for said fouls. Add this to the list of reasons to hate Stern, putting media access before the feeling of his players. Fuck you, Stern.

Dreams of Contention Have Been Morrow'nd

Future Brony

Were you aware that dia-bee-tuhs is the #1 cause of suckitis in the US? No? Well, then you must not have been paying attention to the last two Mariners games. Morrow, the M's young diabetic closer, entered both those games hoping to earn a save and keep hope for contention alive. Instead he decided to kick the chances at hope square in the balls and then urninate all over them. Last night given a 1 run lead to work with Morrow promptly gave up 2 runs for the loss. Today he was given a 2 run lead and gave up 3. Note to Mariners, Brandon hates being given things.

As painful as these past two games have been to experience there should be no real surprise in the outcome. Morrow has always struggled to throw strikes like Pookie with crack in "New Jack City". This year the problem has risen to new levels. Not helping things is Morrow's desire to throw only one pitch, the fastball.

Morrow used to have breaking stuff. Sexy breaking stuff. Breaking stuff that combined with his gas made him a damn fun pitcher to watch and an even tougher one to hit. Then he got a taste for the closing. The M's tried to work the buttplug into Morrow to stretch him out for starting duty but the damage was done. Like a pitbull that has tasted child flesh Morrow was hooked. Closing was all he thought about. The trade of JJ Putz allowed Morrow to give a bunch of bullshit reasons about his health to get back to his coveted closers role. Once a closer again Morrow forgot all about his breaking stuff and became fastball obsessed. That is why the M's are 16-19.

I can understand falling in love with the fastball, especially when you can throw it at 99mph. That's like having a sex cannon for an arm. There's nothing not fun about that. But just like real life it can't be sex all the time. You gotta mix things up, keep people on their toes. At this Morrow has failed. In his mind if he misses with a fastball he thinks to himself "Just throw the next one harder." Occasionally, against inferior hitters, this strategy has worked. The Rangers are far from inferior hitters. They feast on fastballs. Even if they are thrown at 99mph.

I'm not sure what the solution is here. Perhaps forcing Brandon Morrow to play russian roulette as an example to his teammates. Maybe a good flogging. Hell, making him go Tony Montanna on a pile of pixie sticks would also work. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is this rollercoaster of a season sucks so far.

I could handle if the M's had been playing around .500 ball all season and had dropped a few more than they had won. But going 15-10 got me all excited. Now I have MLB blue balls, not fun.

In closing let me eloquently express my dissatisfaction with the course of events so far this season. GODDAMN IT! WHY MUST YOU MAKE A FOOL OF ME YOU HARLOTS? I STOOD BY YOU WHEN EVERYONE SAID YOU WERE NO GOOD AND THIS IS THE GODDAMN THANKS I GET? FUCK YOU!!!!

Please play better.

Ok, You Guys Have My Attention. Now, Stop It!!!

"I'm not dead yet!" "We'll see about that!"

The Mariners managed to find a new way to lose today, as the rest of the division won their games. I have admit, I'm afraid I may be behind this disastrous collapse that has seen the M's go from 15-10 to 16-18. My negligence has caused this team to falter.

You see, before the season started I extolled the virtues of the new look M's to anyone who would listen. I told them our new GM knew what the fuck he was doing and that, while certain players leftover from the old regime hamstrung his ability to compile an optimal roster, he had built a team that could compete today that also was not in the hole to anyone in the future. Once the season started and The M's started winning I listened to every game on the radio or caught an occasional game on the TV. I blogged the hell out of this team to start the season. I told my readers that there was every reason to be optimistic. Then, like a parent lets go of their child and the bike as momentum takes over, I stopped paying as much attention to the team.

I figured I could trust the team to do well without me as I focused on school and getting laid. How selfish of me. To attract my attention again The M's knew all they'd have to do is revert to what had me watching them the past few years. If they played terribly I would come back. It's just like when a child holds its breath to get a parents attention or that psycho girl you're dating who threatens to hurt herself if you leave. I know in both cases ignoring the problem normally causes it to go away. And when Erik Bedard broke the losing streak two games ago I thought my plan had worked. Little did I know.

Truthfully I'm rather glad I haven't been able to watch this team implode. Just listening to Dave Neihaus describe two straight batters take a walk from a pitcher struggling with his command and then hear him tell me that Yuniesky Betancourt swung into a double play on the first pitch is maddening enough. I can't imagine seeing the pitch location would do anything but infuriate me more. Same goes with Felix starting off the game with 25 of 27 pitches being fastballs. I think I would punch something if I had to witness one of the many casual errors commited by Yuni or Lopez. I might have gouged out my eyes Oepdipus style if I had to witness this teams offense get dismembered by the Unicron of terrible right-handed groundball pitchers like Vincente Padilla, Bartolo Colon, Scott Feldman and others.

I believed contention this year, damn it! I don't buy into the idea that these are our Mariners and they will always be hapless losers. I won't be a shell-shocked fan constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I believe in what Zduriencik is building with this team. But damn if this skid isn't awfully familiar.

This extended slide has put us in a very precarious situation. If one was a terrible writer really reaching for an analogy they might compare this to hanging off a cliff from a vine with a tiger above and a tiger below. But that's some wussy arsty fartsy bullshit we here at NLS won't stand for. 3 1/2 games out isn't a terrible amount to be out this early in the season. At the same time the premise of contention for the M's this year was to grab the division lead and never let go. Just like the offense this team is not built to come from behind.

No one wants to admit this team's season is done before June. But the sad reality is it very well might be. Even if the season is not over yet Zdruriencik faces the uneviable decision of whether or not to become a tenement finisher and gut this team of all or most of it's valuable pieces. This move would be tantamount to waving a white flag and declaring the season dead. The casual fan would hate it if this were to happen but smart fans know that the M's farm system is more of a barren wasteland than Super-Nanny's womb and top flight prospects would help ensure this team could remain competitive years from now. Selling off players like Bedard, Washburn, Beltre and maybe even Felix or Ichiro would be a necesary evil like taking the fat girl home so yer buddy can bang her hot friend.

These next few games will be hyper-critical in determining the M's fate for the rest of the year. If I pay attention will they stop making idle threats and no longer hurt themselves or will I regret the decision when I watch them unravel. Only one way to find out. Ok, Mariners, I'll play your little game now quite fucking around and win something!!!!

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like These

She just didn't tell me they'd suck this hard.

The Mariners managed squeaked out a series win over the weekend against the A's bringing hope to their fans. Going into their series with Texas sweep looked very possible. The 1-2 punch of Felix and Bedard was set the shut down the always high powered Texas offense when cruel fate stepped in.

Felix came down with a mean case of the swine flu and was not himself last night. Not himself in the sense that he was throwing a large amount of breaking balls and k'ing Texans like he was the second coming of Santa Anna. Keeping with my Alamo simile, just as Santa Anna killed many Texans he also stretched himself too thin and the army took a heavy toll, Felix k'ed many batters but when a Ranger did manage to make contact the ball left the park. Felix may never throw a breaking ball again after this terrible outing. That he won't is a travesty because those are his best pitches.

Today Erik Bedard took the mound to face the Rangers. He had hoped to pitch well and help the team out of the park early for some arbitrary drinking day Cinco De Mayo festivities. Pitch well he did, giving up only 1 run through seven innings. Too bad for him the run support failed to show up. Vincente Padilla sent out a notice to the M's bat's telling them the game had been canceled and that there was a team meeting at Peso's instead.

The fact that the offense struggled against a RHP is nothing new. Dave over at USSM wrote an article a few days ago talking about this glaring weakness. The gist of the post was that the M's need power left hand bats like David Hasslehoff needs rehab. Without anyone in the line-up to make RHPs worry fans will see many more games like these even against terrible pitchers like Padilla. As Dave pointed out

You know how I keep harping on the roster being too right-handed and how it’s costing us wins?

Padilla, career vs RHB: .241/.300/.370
Padilla, career vs LHB: .299/.381/.484

The Mariners are starting seven right-handed bats and two left-handed bats today

There is one in-house option that could possibly destroy the foul beast of RHP like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. His name is Jeff Clement. Many people, including I, lamented Clement's demotion at the beginning of the season. Few foresaw the lack of a daily dose of Jeff in the line-up would be the factor that would cause the center not to hold. Yet here The M's stand defeated after being 1(!!!!!!!) hit against a very pedestrian Vincente Padilla.

There is no good reason for Clement to languish in the purgatory of AAA. His defense can't be any worse than that of Rob Johnson. His bat, however, would be a YUGE upgrade. Even if Clement continued to move like a retarded rhino behind the plate his bat would more than make up the difference. I know Jeff has done some unknown and unforgivable sin but now is not the time to hold a grudge, Zduriencik.

M's fans will have to sit through many more games like the one today if some action is not taken to remedy the lack of lefties on the roster. I for one would like not to endure such punishment. Can we please have the shiny new toy of a power LH bat? We needs it so bad!