Random Sports List!!!

Don't you just hate it when you log onto your favorite sports site, only to find some random nonsensical list regarding players looks? Do I care who the "Top Ten Dreamiest NFL Players Currently Serving Suspensions for Violating the League's Substance Abuse Policy?" About as much as I care for "Top Twenty Hardwood Heartthrobs Who Ballooned to Over Three Hundred Pounds Before Retiring."

And yet I still read these articles. I read them simply on the basis that they are sports related. I hate it and yet I succumb to it, much like when I accidentally rented transvestite porn over a holiday weekend.

Regardless, in the spirit of mocking the modern sports media, I present to you my own extremely biased list. Without further ado...

Top Ten Sports Columnists File Photos

1. Bill Simmons


The classic mock laughter pose made famous by the crew at "NFL Today." His fox like grin borders somewhere on lines of, "Take the damned picture already, this tie is killing me," and "I just crapped in Skip Bayless' cereal." Enjoy your Cocoa Puffs Commie douche bag.

2. Jason Whitlock

Its a wonder that they could fit him into a profile photo without breaking out the wide angle lens. He looks winded, but satisfied, meaning he has either just dealt out some of his patented candid insights, or he had to jock for position with Charles Barkley after the Krispy Kreme fresh light went on. Very reminiscent to the look Belladonna had after her scene in "Weapons of Ass Destruction."

3. Charley Rosen


His photo only complements his attempts to come across as the grumpiest old cuss in sports. I can just picture him smoking cigarettes in his garage, listening to a Pistons - Spurs game on an old transistor radio, and hollering about all of the missed defensive rotations.

4. Dayn Perry

For some reason, he has two drastically different photos. The original makes him look like the dweeb singer from "Bare Naked Ladies." The other one gives the impression that he is dying of cancer. Neither one makes me wet between the legs.


5. Rick Reilly


The existential pose. A combination of the tragic thinker mixed with the sardonic grin of a man enlightened by many of life's lessons. Later made famous by the pregnant man seen on "Oprah."

6. Jayson Stark


Recently lost his beloved cat, "Mookie" and had him fashioned into a nifty cap so he could keep him close from now until eternity. Okay I made that up, but that sounds like a credible enough rationale to describe that damp furry mass on his head.

7. J.A. Adande

Classic yearbook photo. I wonder if they had an award back when he graduated for, "Most Likely to Sellout and Serve as a Lackey for Tony "Stat Boy" Reali."

8. Peter Gammons

The obituary photo... I rescind that. Even making that one sniping comment hurt my soul a little. Making fun of Peter Gammons is like mocking someone's grandfather. Just not cool. On a serious note, I was distraught for days when he had his aneurysm. I hope this BoSox loving bastard lives forever.

9. Mark Kreigel

The classic Jewish tough guy. His black and white photo makes him look like a cub reporter for the Brooklyn Dodgers. All he needs is a fedora and a press ticket and he can be out their finding the "hot scoop." In reality his articles effectively take hot scoops on whichever athletes are prominent in the headlines.

10. Mary Buckheit

A talented (and surprisingly attractive) journalist whose articles often get buried by her male counterparts. So naturally she brings up the rear on this list.